Part 23 (2/2)
”Captain Hernandez seems to think they do. And given a choice, I'd rather try to save lives than destroy them.”
”It's not so simple a calculus,” Picard said. ”How can I commit myself to aiding the enemy when my people are poised on the brink of destruction?” He turned and looked Riker in the eye. ”Maybe you can explain that to me.”
An unspoken accusation seemed to lurk in Picard's words, and it struck an uneasy chord in Riker. ”What's really bothering you, Jean-Luc?”
”Aside from Borg invasion fleets marauding through Federation s.p.a.ce?”
Riker replied, ”Yes, besides that. You sounded as if you were blaming me for something. More than that, you don't sound like yourself-not like the man I served with for fifteen years. Where's that Jean-Luc Picard?”
”Et tu?” Picard breathed a heavy, defeated sigh. ”First Beverly, now you. Who was this other man you all claim to have known? I thought it was me, but I keep hearing otherwise.”
”The man I know isn't afraid to risk taking the high road,” Riker said. ”He wouldn't let fear make him choose certain defeat instead of a shot at victory, just because success might mean mercy for an enemy that had hurt him.”
”Is that what you think this is about? A vendetta? Or some simple phobia? I wonder, then, whether you ever knew me at all.”
”You keep pus.h.i.+ng me away,” Riker said. ”Did I do something to offend you? Was it something I said?”
Picard shook his head. ”Of course not.”
”But there is something that's bothering you, isn't there?”
”It's not my place to interfere,” Picard said.
”It's not interference if your advice is invited.”
Wound up with tension, Picard turned his chair away from Riker, stood, and paced along the bulkhead opposite the windows. He folded his hands together in front of him as he walked the length of the observation lounge, turned back, and retraced his steps. He stopped in front of the companel. ”I don't really have advice, Will. Just confusion.”
”About what?”
”How could you abandon Deanna?” Picard fixed Riker with a forlorn stare. ”You left her behind, Will, and your away team.”
”I did what I had to do,” Riker said, pus.h.i.+ng back against the rising tide of his guilt.
Picard moved in slow steps toward the windows. ”Had I been in your place,” he said pensively, ”I'm not sure I could have chosen duty over Beverly so easily.”
”I never said it was easy,” Riker replied. ”But I've seen you make decisions like that before. With Nella Daren, for one.”
Holding up one hand, Picard replied, ”That was different. For one thing, I wasn't married to Nella.” He folded his arms. ”For another, Nella wasn't pregnant. Beverly is.”
A surge of grief and anger clenched Riker's jaw. All the feelings he had suppressed since Deanna left t.i.tan rushed back in force, crowding his thoughts. He pressed his fist to his mouth as he fought to master his bitter, desperate emotions.
Picard took note of Riker's reaction and froze, his face a mask of embarra.s.sment and sympathy. ”What have I said, Will?”
The last thing Riker had wanted was to make this conversation about him. He inhaled sharply and set his still-clenched fist on the tabletop. ”Deanna and I...,” he began, before his voice trailed off, swallowed up in his sorrow. He composed himself and continued in a clipped, strained voice. ”We-we've been trying to start a family. It was hard. Hormone injections. Fertility treatments. Gene therapy.” Finding a dispa.s.sionate frame of mind from which to continue was difficult. ”We thought we'd done it,” he said. ”About half a year ago. But it...Deanna...we had a miscarriage.”
”Mon dieu,” Picard whispered, and he seemed to deflate as he let go of a deep breath. He looked stricken by the news as he settled back into his chair. ”I'm so sorry, Will.”
”It's been a wedge, forcing us apart,” Riker confessed. ”After she recovered, we tried again. We thought this time it would all be okay, but it wasn't. The new embryo was deformed, and it'll miscarry, too-it's only a matter of time. But Deanna won't terminate the pregnancy, even though this one could kill her. And I think it's my fault.”
”How is any of that your fault?” asked Picard.
”I was supposed to be the voice of reason,” Riker said. ”After the first miscarriage, I should have said enough and put an end to the whole thing. But the empathic bond between me and Deanna makes it hard to say no to her. I don't even remember anymore which one of us wanted a family. All I know is that I'm supposed to protect her.” He slammed his fist on the table. ”And when she needed me most, I left her behind! Alone, on the other side of the G.o.dd.a.m.n galaxy!” He finally unclenched his hand, but only so he could use it to cover his closed eyes.
Sotto voce, Picard asked, ”Have you tried talking with anyone about this?”
”Yeah,” Riker said. ”I talked to Chris. What a mistake.”
”Not an easy subject for a captain to discuss with a member of his crew,” Picard said, acknowledging Riker's dilemma. ”Not even with a trusted first officer.”
Lowering his hand, Riker opened his eyes and nodded at Picard. ”Exactly,” he said. ”Until now, I didn't really get how vital it is to keep some things from my crew-how valuable personal privacy is.”
”I understand,” Picard said. ”Believe me.”
”So, now you know what's eating me alive,” Riker said. ”Are you ready to tell me what's bothering you?”
Picard grimaced and drummed his fingertips on the table for a few seconds. ”Our problems are similar but not the same,” he said. ”What they have in common...is fatherhood.” He turned himself a few degrees closer to facing Riker and spoke in a measured hush. ”For a long time, I told myself that I didn't want a family, that I didn't need one. Certainly, there were fleeting moments, days when I'd wonder, 'What if...?' But I never took them seriously. Not until Robert and Rene died.”
Riker recalled the day when Picard had received the news that his brother and nephew had perished in a fire on Earth. He saw in his friend's eyes that the pain of that tragedy still lingered in Picard's psyche, an open emotional wound.
”I even told myself I didn't need love,” Picard continued. ”Part of me actually believed it. Then I met Anij...” Mentioning the Bak'u woman's name brought a wistful, fleeting smile to Picard's face. ”She showed me what I had given up and how much I really needed it. But I was still afraid. I should have just reached out to Beverly right then and made up for lost time, but I hesitated-and I almost lost her. That's what it took for me to see what she really meant to me.” Powerful emotions threatened to crack Picard's stoic facade, and Riker grasped how traumatic this discussion had to be for him. Picard's eyes gleamed with the threat of tears. ”So I let her into my life. And it's been a wonder and a joy, Will. I curse myself daily for not having invited her in sooner. But when she suggested we have a child together, I panicked. The idea terrified me.”
With gentle curiosity, Riker asked, ”Why?”
”I concocted so many arbitrary reasons that you'd laugh if I told you half of them,” Picard said. ”But the truth is, I was afraid it would be like tempting fate.” A haunted expression settled on him like a mask. ”After all these years and excuses, for me to start a family...it seemed like a portent of doom. And no sooner did Beverly and I conceive our son than the Borg began their invasion.” He shook his head and permitted himself a bitter chuckle. ”I feel like Coleridge's Ancient Mariner, after he shot the albatross. I indulged myself with one selfish act, and in the process, I've condemned countless others to suffer and die for my mistake.”
Shaking his head in denial, Riker replied, ”You can't be serious. You don't really believe the Borg invaded because you and Beverly conceived a child?”
”No, of course not,” Picard said, his tone sharp with frustration. ”It's not about logic, or reason, or causality. It's about creating new life and then being afraid you'll have to watch it die.” He lifted his hands and covered his face for several seconds while he slowed and deepened his breathing. Then he lowered his hands and said, ”It took me so long to let something real into my life, and now all I can think about is the Borg taking it away. Even if we stop this invasion, what then? What of the next one, Will? Must my family, must my son, live in the shadow of this menace every day of his life?” The anger left Picard's voice; in its place was nothing but quiet desperation. ”When will it end?”
”It will end when we end it.” Riker leaned forward and stared at Picard until his old friend looked back at him. ”I've seen what the Caeliar can do, Jean-Luc, and I think Hernandez is right. If anyone can stand up to the Borg, they can. I also agree with Dax. If we can end this war and save the people a.s.similated by the Collective, we have a duty as Starfleet officers to try.”
Picard frowned. ”And if Dax and Hernandez are wrong, we'll unleash the greatest horror the galaxy has ever seen.”
”So, we hasten the inevitable,” Riker said, fed up with Picard's impenetrable pessimism. ”The Borg are less than two hours from Earth. Could our plan backfire? Yes, but we can't let that paralyze us. It's time for a leap of faith.”
The older man shook his head dismissively and said, ”You're talking about hope.”
”Yes, I am.”
”We'll need more than hope to fight the Borg.”
”True,” Riker said. ”But without it, we might as well just give up.” He got up and walked to the door, which hissed open ahead of him. Standing in the doorway, he looked back at Picard. ”We can fight for hope, or we can give in to despair. The choice is yours, Jean-Luc. Let me know what you decide.”
23.
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