Part Ix Part 147 (1/2)
Excited Pregnant Woman.
A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
”Sir,” she said, ”I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I'll bust.” She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiasm as she shared his experience. He said he was a farmer, and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, ”But, confidentially, I changed c.o.c.ks.”
The newly pregnant woman responded, ”Confidentially,... me, too.”
Fairly Quiet.
A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home: ”So, has anything happened while I've been away?”
”No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning.”
”Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time.”
”Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died.”
”My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?”
”The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat.”
”The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?”
”Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down.”
”Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?”
”It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir.”
”The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?”
”Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle.”
”Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?”
”They were there for the wake, sir.”
”The wake?!? Whose wake?”
”Your mother's, sir. She pa.s.sed away quite suddenly.”
”Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?”
”It must have been the shock, sir.”
”The shock.”
”Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir.”
Fat Man at the Health Club.
A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, ”Gee, you're fat!”
The fat man said, ”Yeah.”
The second man asked, ”How long's it been since you've seen your d.i.c.k?”