Part Ix Part 42 (1/2)
Two 90 years old.
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, ”Well, tonight's the night we have s.e.x!” And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, ”My G.o.d, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, ”My G.o.d, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”
v.i.a.g.r.a's Use.
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for v.i.a.g.r.a. The pharmacist said ”That's no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered, ”Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”
The pharmacist said, ”That won't do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman said, ”That's alright. I don't need them for s.e.x anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.”
Wheelchair Demon.
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm out stretched. ”STOP!” he said in a firm voice. ”Have you got a license for that thing?”
Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. ”Ok” he said and she went on her way.
Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted ”Stop! Have you got a valid tax disc from your vehicle madam?”
Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.
Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizeable erection in his hand.....
”Oh no”, said Ethel .... ”Not the breathalyzer again!”
Worst Sound.
There was 3 old men sitting by a pool talking about old times. One of the men ask the other two what was the worst sound they ever heard.
The first old man said, ”well I was in Africa once and had a herd of wild elephants coming in my direction and no place to hide.”
The second old man said, ”I was a pilot in the air force and was flying over the ocean and my engine on my air plane was making bad noises like it was going to quit.”
The third old man who had asked the question said, ”well I have the worst one of all. I was seeing this woman and her husband came in on us while we were in the bed together. I jumped up and ran and jumped out the window.”
The third old man stopped talking for a minute and the other two men ask, ”well what was the bad sound”. The third old man said, ”just a minute this is hard for me to retell the story”.
After a short pause he then said ”ok, I jumped out the window and the woman's husband grabbed me by the b.a.l.l.s, so there I was hanging by my b.a.l.l.s, and the worst sound I ever heard was the man trying to open his pocket knife with his teeth.
Cinderella.
We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy G.o.dmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy G.o.dmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy G.o.dmother replies, ”First, you must wear a diaphragm.”
Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, ”You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm.”
The fairy G.o.dmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm.
”Well, what's the second condition?” Cinderella asked.