Part Iv Part 23 (1/2)
Shopper:-”Are these eggs fresh?”
Apprentice:-”Yes, ma'am, they be.”
Shopper:-”How long since they were laid?”
Apprentice:-”'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am-I know, I laid them eggs there myself.”
PROPERTY.
The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that had been lying by the curb three days.
”What am I to do with this?” he demanded.
”Take it to headquarters,” was the serene reply. ”If n.o.body claims it within a reasonable time, it's your property.”
PROVIDENCE.
The babu explained with great politeness the complete failure of a young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game: ”The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful to the birds.”
PRUDENCE.
Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet, and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a very affectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned.
”But, Sandy, mon,” he protested, ”Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin' just started?”
”Nay,” declared the prudent MacTavish, ”I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all.”
The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car, was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and a woman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.
”No, not this afternoon,” he replied. ”But why do you ask? Who are you?”
”That doesn't matter,” came the voice over the wire. ”It's only that I wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand.”
PUNISHMENT.
The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, received this note in reply: ”Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either i'll handle him.”
The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.
”I gotta git home fer maw to spank me,” the boy panted.
”Bless my soul!” exclaimed the old gentleman, ”I can't understand your being in such a hurry to be spanked.”
”I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'.”
The little lad sat on the curb howling l.u.s.tily. A pa.s.ser-by halted to ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation: ”But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to punish their children sometimes.”
The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to explain: ”Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the ba.s.s drum in the band!”
PUNS.
”What is your name?” demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Munic.i.p.al Court.
”Locke Smith,” was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.
He was seized by an officer and hauled back.
”Ten dollars or ten days,” said the magistrate.
”I'll take the ten dollars,” announced the prisoner.
Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be caught and brought back a second time.
The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him severely, in these words: ”If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have been chased and refined.”
A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly: ”I'm writing my autobiography.”
”With the accent on the 'bi'?” One of the newcomers suggested sarcastically.
”No,” his friend corrected, ”with the accent on the 'auto'.”