Part Iv Part 3 (1/2)
The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a red nose who sat near.
These were: ”First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have peace.”
BURGLARY.
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line: ”Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much amus.e.m.e.nt in trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the ident.i.ty of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: ”Now you know!”
CANDOR.
Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.
”I look a perfect fright,” she remarked, eager for praise.
The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered absent-mindedly: ”Yes, you certainly do.”
”Oh, you horrid thing!” Jeanette gasped. ”I'll never-never speak to you again!”
CALMNESS.
In Bret Harte's Mary McGillup, there is a notable description of calmness in most trying circ.u.mstances.
”'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss McGillup?'” asked the vandal officer.
”In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my agitation.”
CARDS.
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name.
When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the grocer.
”Simple enough,” was the reply. ”Jim Sloc.u.m come along with a six of hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn.”
CARELESSNESS.
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
”My goodness gracious!” she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. ”Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket.”
CATERPILLARS.
The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much perplexed.
”Caterpillars!” he e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed. ”What are you doing with them?”
”They climb trees and eat the leaves,” the boy explained.
”Yes?”
”And so,” the boy continued proudly, ”I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin' 'em climb the telegraph pole.”
CATS.
Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much pride as ever a policeman had in his s.h.i.+eld. He displayed eagerness in the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to look out.
”Why, Clarence!” she cried, aghast. ”What are you doing to that poor cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!”
Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he explained: ”I was-but I lost my star.”
The teacher put a question to the cla.s.s: ”What does a cat have that no other animal has?”
A number cried in unison: ”Fur!”
But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One pupil raised an eager hand: ”I know, teacher-whiskers!”