Part Ii Part 56 (1/2)
Bill: ”Of course he doesn't! He does undercover work!”
Teacher: ”Ok who cla.s.s, who can tell me how the counties of England got their names?”
Johnnie: Miss, Miss! Did they name them after cricket teams?
Golf stance.
A guy is golfing with a friend and decides to visit the restroom before the start of play.
As he walks out of the restroom he gives audible sigh.
”Feel better?” His pal asks, ”Yeah,” he replies, ”You know, that's the only place on the whole course where n.o.body tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!”
Burglar 1: ”Quick, the police are coming...jump out the window!”
Burglar 2: ”But we're on the thirteenth floor!”
Burglar 1: ”This is no time to be superst.i.tious!”
Hit and run.
A mathematician is knocked down by a hit-and-run driver. When the police arrive they ask, ”Did you get the driver's license plate number?”
”Not exactly,” he replies. ”But I did notice if it were doubled and then multiplied by itself, the square root of the product was the same as the original numbers, only with the integers reversed.”
A sad day.
Farmer Brown's son went to the big city to make his fortune.
Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and with the market downturn, he found himself reduced to s.h.i.+ning shoes for a living.
At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm for Farmer Brown.
So ... the farmer makes hay, while the son s.h.i.+nes.
Son: ”Dad why does my girl friend close her eyes when she kisses me?”
Father: ”Take a look in the mirror and you'll see why.”
A woman rushes up to a policeman out of breath and says, ”Officer! A man is chasing and he wants to rape me! I think he's crazy!”
The cop looks at the homely, dumpy middle-aged woman and replies, ”Yea, I think your right.”
The Reverend Mother and the case.
The Reverend Mother gathers the nuns from the Covent together and says, ”Sisters, I have to tell you that we have discovered a case of gonorrhoea at the convent.”
A voice from the back shouts, ”Thank f.u.c.k for that! I'm sick of that Chardonnay.”
A wife walks into the lounge and says to her husband, ”You know that cake I promised you?”
”Yea,” says the husband.
”Well I put it on the table to cool and the dog's eaten it.”
”Don't worry,” says the Husband, ”I can get you another dog.”
The lady of the house sobbed to her former prince charming, ”You only married me because Daddy left me a lot of money,”
”That's not true,” replied the husband, ”I don't care who left you the money!”
A guy says to his wife, ”You know you're a luck woman. If my d.i.c.ks was just two inches longer I'd be a King amongst men.”
”Hum,” says his wife, ”and if it we're two inches shorter you'd be Queen amongst women!”
A bloke says to his wife, ”Darling, I've just got the bill for your plastic surgery and now I know why you doctor was wearing a mask!”
Did you hear what happened to the two blonde thieves that stole a calendar?