Chapter 40 - Volume 2 (2/2)

「No, that’s not it, I’m not trying to get you to apologize.」

Repeating 「That’s not it」 over and over again, he hung his head, hiding his face in his hands.

「Edi?」　I attempted to call out to him like usual, but for some reason I hesitated.

Then, unable to call out to him, unable to embrace those shoulders, I heard a thin, but decidedly male, voice in my ear. Leaking out from the gaps between those bony fingers, an unexpected word.

「Sorry.」

That one words, and then the room became silent again. I realized my eyes had widened. What exactly what he saying?

「Edi, why are you apologizing?」

At my question, he raised his head. His messy jet black hair hanging over his fair-skinned cheeks, hiding the scar under his left eye. The sunrise inside his eyes was flickering. I nearly unconsciously reached out for that face, but I clenched the bed sheet again and endured it. Within that beauty was an expression of regret. Whether or not he noticed my confusion, he continued to apologize, as if repenting.

「I should have realized sooner. I should have been able notice sooner. The fact that I didn’t was neglect on my part.」

「That sort of thing…」

「I won’t let you deny it. Even if you don’t think so, it’s the undeniable truth. When the princess pointed it out to me, I had no reply.」

「Edi, that’s not true.」

「Yes, it is.」

「No, it’s not.」

Whatever he said, this at least, I wouldn’t let slide. I guess my unusually strong denial was unexpected, because he blinked.

「How can you claim that it’s your fault? This is something I brought upon myself. I didn’t want you to notice. I acted so that you wouldn’t realize anything was wrong.」

「Because I’m undependable, I guess.」

Saying that again. He was too stubborn. We’ve known each other so long, it would be nice if he understood that I was trying to say that that wasn’t the case. But if there was a guy who could understand that, it definitely wasn’t this one. That sort of man, wasn’t my husband. I shook my head at his statement and continued.

「No. It’s just, that I…」

He was both stupid and helpless. But I was definitely the same. No, I was probably even more stupid and helpless than him. I didn’t want him to worry? That was true. I didn’t want to cause trouble? That was also true. But the real reason was, I just,

「I just, wanted to be strong.」

「What?」

He wrinkled his brow. In contrast to his puzzled expression, I was smiling. Knowing that it would look forced, I still plastered a smile on my face. If not, it seemed like I’d cry.

「I realized that I’ve been protected this whole time. And I was genuinely happy with that. But, somewhere along the line, I became unsatisfied with just that.」

The reason why he didn’t make the marriage to me public, even if he didn’t say it, I knew it from the start. It was to protect me. Just passing the days, without a care in the world. I wanted nothing more, I was truly happy. To say that wasn’t enough anymore, another person would probably call it ungrateful. But somewhere along the way, a seed of loneliness sprouted in my heart. Unable to stop it, spread its roots deeper and deeper in my chest. Then, when I saw him together with Lunamerie, that loneliness bloomed into a spectacular flower.

What was I to this man? Unable to stand beside him, simply passing my time in concealment. Was an existence like myself really suitable for him? I let myself wonder. That thought became stronger, transforming into a certainty inside my heart.

「I just wanted the strength to be fit to stand beside you. I wanted to think I was strong enough, so I tried to endure it.」

I wasn’t cute like Lunamerie, nor did I have the social status to justify myself at his side. I didn’t realize it for a long time, but when I finally did, it became a pair of shackles around my ankles.

So that’s why, I guess. At the very least, I wanted to be an existence worthy of standing next to him. I wouldn’t accept being a weak woman who was brought down by a mere bad dream. Even if it was caused by some other person’s meddling, I wanted to deal with it myself. Even if that wasn’t what Edi would have wanted. Even though I knew that just obediently being rescued would be best. Even so, I wanted to stand beside this man. I wanted to be his equal.

When the nightmares started happening, they took the form of that unrest. They brought my heart’s feelings to life. I tried to take care of it by myself, to protect my position.

How uncute. How impertinent. I should have taken a lesson from Lunamerie. If I was such a cute girl, I’d surely be able to contentedly smile at his side. Like this man wanted.

My grip on the bed sheet was painful. I could tell that I was exerting so much force that my hands were white. But I couldn’t relax. The darkness of the nightmare appeared in my mind. There, so beautiful that they appeared to sparkle, were the figures of Edi and Lunamerie, standing next to each other. Always being talked about as being a good match, just imagining the two of them made my chest hurt.

Edi stared at me, his eyes widened in surprise. Grateful for him not saying anything, I muttered,

「I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry, Edi. In the end, I ended up causing even more trouble.」

「Enough already.」

「What should I do? Going so far as to even bother the princess?」

Even though he told me to stop talking, I shook my head and continued. What exactly had I been doing? Unskillfully trying to endure it, putting up a brave front, in the end, the result was this predicament. I had done nothing but make the situation worse, failing to accomplish even just one thing, and making him suffer like this.

I felt something warm run down my cheek. It took me a second to realize they were tears. Ah, in the end I couldn’t even stop from crying. Frustrated that I was so pathetic, my tears brimmed.

「I’m sorry.」

「Filmina, enough already.」

「No. No. I’m sorry. I, I—」

「I said, enough already!」

「—!?」

I’m not worthy of you. That’s what I was going to say, but he wouldn’t let me finish. I couldn’t say anything else either. Obviously. Being kissed this roughly, there was no way I could say anything. Even if I had something to say, it would just be swallowed by his mouth.

Eventually I had to twist away just to take a breath, and I managed to get free. But only for the instant it took to breathe, and then instead of another kiss, he grabbed me in his arms, tightly.

「Enough, already.」

I was being hugged so hard it was painful, but I couldn’t muster any form of resistance. I stiffened, unable to do anything else. Embracing me to my limit, he whispered into my ear.

「No matter what anyone says, no matter what happens, you are my wife. I won’t recognize any wife other than you. I wouldn’t want anyone else either.」

His voice was so passionate. Timidly, I put my arms around him, and was gripped even tighter. When I closed my eyes, there was darkness, but it was completely different than the darkness from that dream. The me drowning alone in that darkness was no longer alone. Being embraced with this warmth told me that I wasn’t alone.

Hugging me, he’d said that his wife was none other than me.