Part 20 (1/2)
But he smirks at me. He doesn't mind.
”I shouldn't laugh.”
”It's okay.”
”I totally do not want to mock your mother.”
”I know. You're nice. To everyone.”
”No I'm not.”
”Fine. To most people then.”
Madison, I think, this is a pointless thing to argue about. ”So... what's your mom's condition like? Schizophrenia. Isn't that the one where you have multiple personalities-”
”No. I don't know how everyone got that confused, but what you're talking about is called Dissociative Ident.i.ty Disorder, and it may not even be a recognized disorder for much longer. The whole multiple personalities thing is really, really rare. A lot of psychiatrists don't believe it really exists. Schizophrenia's just a psychotic disorder.”
”Where a person sees stuff?”
”And hears it. Schizophrenics often have delusions.”
”What does that actually mean? Having a delusion? Is it like when people call you delusional as an insult?”
”That you live in an imaginary world, basically, yeah. People think they're private detectives or superstars, or aliens, or other ones that don't make much sense. Schizophrenics' minds are just... they don't work right. I'm not describing that real well.”
”So what caused it? Your dad dying?”
He shakes his head. ”It's genetic, as best anyone can tell. She had it before he died, and one of her delusions is that he isn't dead. She still sees and talks to him.”
”Oh. And she sees people coming to get her-”
”If you scare her. Not usually.”
”So is schizophrenia hereditary?”
”Yeah. But it's pretty rare. My family only has this one case.”
”Well, obviously you don't have it. I didn't mean to say-”
”It doesn't show until a person's late teens or early twenties.”
”Oh.”
”So I'm probably safe, but I won't know for sure for about ten years.”
”That's gotta be hard, though. Wondering.”
He shrugs. ”At least I have some warning. Coulda been like my mom, whose family didn't know what was going on. You could have it too, you know.”
”Thanks for that.”
”Just sayin'.”
”But if you're praying and stuff and investigating Mormonism...”
”Do I wonder if the answers I feel might be delusions? Sure. Guess that's why religion works best as a group activity.”
”So that you can compare notes?”
”Something like that. You pay attention, you know? Is what you're going through making your mind clouded or clear? Is life better or worse? Is it easier or harder to interact with people?”
I think that over. ”How is it so far?”
”Yeah. It's gone better than I expected. First time I went to church, I was sure they'd just throw me out. Tell me I wasn't welcome. I mean, those people are all the sheltered, suburban, ca.s.serole eating types. It's not like I was ever allowed to go over to their houses to play when I was a kid. But when I walked in, they were not just okay with me being there. They were happy about it. They wanted me there.”
”Well, that's cool.”
”It is, but it also means I really gotta think about stuff. Any religion worth having is one where you'd go even if everyone hated you, you know? It can't be about other people or superficial stuff.”
”So, not to be rude, but why did you go? I mean, I gave you that card and you cut-”
”I remember.”
”It's kind of funny, in hindsight.”
”Sure it is.” He rolls his eyes again.
I shrug.
”You remember what you said to me?”
”Don't be a jerk?”
”You told me I didn't have to be a jerk. And you were right. I did what I always do, which is push you away, try to freak you out so you don't even try to talk to me. Which doesn't work with you.”
”I left you alone.”
”After telling me off some more, and a week later you're mouthing off to me on Main Street in the middle of the night.”
”You threatened to chase me-”
”I know what I said.”
”You were a total jerk.”
”Yes I was. I'm used to shoving people away. I'm used to defending myself from people who think I belong in jail and my mom belongs in an inst.i.tution.”
”You realize that just makes people-”
”Want to throw me in jail. Yeah, yeah, I know. I figured that out, okay? I mean, I guess I always knew, but I didn't care. Those times, I figured out that I'd missed two chances to just be nice to someone who's nice to everyone, and I wondered if I miss a lot of chances like that. Thing is, I didn't know what to do about it, and then I remembered the smiling girl on the card... and some other stuff happened... I figured I had nothing to lose.”