Part 13 (1/2)

Love, John I read this and my temper flares.

John, You don't even know me, so stop saying stupid stuff like that. I'm boring. My entire social life is me being the designated driver for my best friend. I work in a library. If you look up ”dull” in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of me.

Madison A chat window pops up.

John: Are you happy?

Madison: Happy with what?”

John: Life. Do you wish you did more social stuff? Went to more parties?

Madison: No. I don't even like parties. That's how boring I am.

John: I don't like them either.

Madison: So you going to tell me I shouldn't go? Tell me what to do?

John: I'm done telling you what to do. Even when I ask you to talk to me, that makes you mad. I really don't want to boss you around, at all. I want to get to know you.

Madison: Well, now you do. There's not much more to know.

John: You are way more interesting to me than you are to yourself. You spend every waking hour with you. I've only had a few minutes, and I think you're fascinating. Tell me all about working in the library, or watching Mom do pottery, or counting cracks in the ceiling. I really do want to know.

Madison: Mom doesn't let anyone watch her make pottery. Especially not me. I bug her.

John: I doubt it.

Madison: She doesn't even like me. She thinks I'm boring.

John: I'm sure she loves you.

Madison: She doesn't even want to eat dinner with me at night. If I'm in the house, she goes to her room and doesn't talk to me.

John: Huh. All these years, I a.s.sumed she took you with her because she wanted you to herself. Not that I have abandonment issues or anything :-) Madison: I guess I remind her of Mr. Lukas or whatever.

John: Wild guess here, but I'm thinking she put Mr. Lukas's name on your birth certificate to get a divorce. Dad's extremely conservative. If anyone were to divorce him, that'd be the way to get him to sign the decree.

Madison: So I'm the price she paid. She's stuck with me now.

John: I hope she doesn't see it that way.

Madison: Well, maybe I really am boring and not that great to know.

John: Okay, I am going to give you some advice. Don't read if you don't want to see it. Spend more time doing what you want to do and less time doing what other people want you to do, and you'll probably find you like your life better. I know, you hate advice.

Madison: There isn't anything I like to do.

John: Well, you might find out differently if you start making your decisions based on what you want.

Madison: Well, okay. I have work.

John: I won't keep you. Love you, sis!

Madison: Bye.

On my walk home, someone says ”pssst” from down in the ditch. I pause and look and see that it's JP. Quickly, I jump down.

”Hey.”

”Hey.” He glances around. ”Listen, I've got, like, maybe an hour before I'm supposed to be home. Your mom in?”

”No.”

”What do you say?”

With him right here, in front of me, I want more than anything to feel his arms around me and his lips on mine, but I can't help but remember the letdown that comes afterwards, when he won't so much as look at me in public.

”You okay?” he asks.

I remember Kailie's advice again. Do it if I feel like it. I remember Carson saying that he'd treat me much better. While I'm still not sold on Carson and his arrogance, the thought of a guy who treated me like he was proud to be with me does appeal.

”Earth to Madison?”

”Sorry...”

He stands up and puts his arms around me. I can't help but melt as he kisses my lips. Pick your letdown, I think, letdown from feeling used versus letdown from letting the chance go by? My brother's advice is useless here. What I want is to have both the time with JP and no letdown afterwards. As it is, I have to choose the lesser of two evils, if I can figure out what that is.

Fifteen minutes later I'm lying on my bed with him, gasping for breath as he kisses me, his hands pulling my s.h.i.+rt up, inch by inch. ”I missed you,” he whispers. ”Let me be with you. You are so hot. Madison.”

Do I want to sleep with him? I feel like the answer should be no, but I don't entirely know why. The letdown would be worse, or would it? Would it establish a connection between us that would endure even when he couldn't acknowledge me in public?

Think about what happened to Kailie with Ben, says the little voice in my mind.

But, I reason, she slept with him the first time they ever hooked up.

”Madison?” All kissing has stopped and JP just stares down at me.

”Sorry... got distracted...”

He blinks, and I realize I've dealt him a grave insult. ”Well, I gotta get home soon, but that was a nice way to kill some time.”

”No, I didn't mean... some crazy stuff's happened. I have a lot on my mind.”

He gets up, puts on his s.h.i.+rt, shoes, and jacket.

”JP, stop.” I sit up.

”It's fine,” he says, in a way that sounds perfectly sincere. ”I just need to go.” The entire encounter was probably less than ten minutes.

I think I should say something, ask him for something, but I can't formulate what that would be. Instead I just watch him leave and the usual sense of letdown, coupled with a big dose of guilt for insulting him, wells up inside me.