Part 20 (1/2)

This Time Is Unique It's uniquely tough, but also uniquely fabulous. Just accepting that the growing pains are inevitable makes them more bearable. When the three of us feel overworked or even just slightly deprived (as we often do), we remind ourselves not to wish away these precious chubby-thighed, drooly-smiling years. Can you think of any person with older kids who doesn't doesn't say, ”Oh, enjoy this time. It goes by so fast.” Clearly, their memories are also damaged by several years of major sleep deprivation, but maybe they have a point. say, ”Oh, enjoy this time. It goes by so fast.” Clearly, their memories are also damaged by several years of major sleep deprivation, but maybe they have a point.

This difficult time will end. As soon as it does, we'll miss it and we'll want it back.

A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S.

This book would not be what it is without the wit, wisdom, laughter, and tears of so many people-whether dear, lifelong friends, or poor, unwitting souls who had the great misfortune to sit next to us on an airplane-who shared their stories. Our heartfelt thanks to all of you, who, though you will forever remain anonymous, let us peek into your hearts, minds, kitchens, and bedrooms.

Thanks to our agent, Richard Abate, at ICM, for your thoughtful guidance, unwavering support, and strictest adherence to the male perspective. Whatever drove you to take a chance on three fi rst-timers, we'll never understand, but we will always be grateful for your recklessness.

Thanks also to Kate Lee, our bonus agent, and the rest of the talented staff at ICM. And where, oh where, would we be without Allyn Magrino, time-honored friend and one of the most well-connected women in New York?

Everyone at HarperCollins has made this experience truly a joy. We are particularly grateful for the enthusiasm and support of our editor, Mary Ellen O'Neill, whose warmth and talent and humor have propelled us forward, challenged our thinking, and kept us laughing from start to finish. Joe Tessitore amazed us with his relentless energy and commitment to make this book a success. Paul Olsewski, Shelby Meizlik, Jean Marie Kelly, Felicia Sullivan, and Laura Dozier are simply the best in the business.

To Larry Martin, thank you for your fabulous ill.u.s.trations and for the extraordinary patience and humor with which you always responded to 276 276

Acknowledgments.

our bizarre, last-minute requests, such as, ”Can you make the male rabbit look hornier?”

We'd like to thank our dear parents-Richard and Judy Harris, Bren-dan and Mary O'Neill, and Lou and Julie Pirkey-for a lifetime's worth of love, encouragement, and ”fit to burst” enthusiasm. We are also deeply indebted to our fabulous parents-in-law: Susan c.o.c.krell and Will Lapage, Mohinder and Krishna Kadyan, Jerry and Evelyn Stone, and Tom and Weezie Duff, who in no way resemble any of the Outlaws in Chapter 5, and who have gone above and beyond the call of in-law duty throughout this process. Our warmest thanks as well to the wonderful women who've helped maintain peace in our kingdoms, and therefore in our minds: Do-rina Hinosja, Sharlene Parker, Barbara Timko, and Brandy McDonald.

We'd also like to thank our children: Jaclyn, James, Ross, Kate, Maeve, Theo, and Henry; in a way, we wrote this book for you. We want to be the best Moms (and Dads) we can be, and we hope this book will help us do that. We appreciate your (occasional) patience and (limited) understanding. It's more than we deserve. Thank you for helping us make this dream of ours come true. One day, we promise to do the same for you.

And most of all, we want to thank our husbands, Ross, Mike, and Gordon, our biggest fans ( Are you Are you done done yet?) yet?), harshest critics (Here's a (Here's a diagram of all the things you got wrong in Chapter 3.) diagram of all the things you got wrong in Chapter 3.) and greatest sources of inspiration and greatest sources of inspiration (I didn't say (I didn't say that that !) !). For all the times you found yourselves enslaved in a weekend of child care; trawling the supermarket aisles for diapers, milk, and kitty litter; and even bedecked in Pretty Princess jew-elry in a last, desperate attempt to keep the little ones entertained, at the end of the day, you made it all possible. This book springs from the very best places in our hearts, and from the happiness we fi nd in being married to you.

G L O S S A R Y O F T E R M S.

Bait and Switch-A tactic employed to ”get the girl or guy” in which a certain behavior is displayed and then discontinued once the objective (e.g. marriage) has been achieved. Both men and women feel like their other halves pull a Bait and Switch once they have kids. Men complain that their wives pull one in the bedroom (Why doesn't she (Why doesn't she ever want to have s.e.x?) ever want to have s.e.x?); whereas women feel that their husbands pull a Reverse Bait and Switch in the romance department in the romance department (Now all I get is (Now all I get is a tap on the shoulder . . .) a tap on the shoulder . . .) and/or a and/or a Domestic Bait and Switch Domestic Bait and Switch on the home front. on the home front. (He used to make dinner all the time . . .) (He used to make dinner all the time . . .) Bas.e.m.e.nt Dweller Bas.e.m.e.nt Dweller-What some men become to avoid the cold fi sh upstairs. Men go underground to develop a hobby or play with their electronic toys (among other things) when they feel like their wives are too tired/busy/annoyed to care about them. Some Dwellers are Potential p.o.r.n Addicts. Most Bas.e.m.e.nt Dwellers are retrievable, however. Wives who venture down below to share in their husbands'

subterranean activities can usually persuade their men to step into the light.

Book Club Refugees-Often married to uncommunicative Bas.e.m.e.nt Bas.e.m.e.nt Dwellers, these women flee to monthly book clubs to fill the emotional voids in their marriages. Husbands who sharpen their romance and communication skills will find their wives eager to migrate back to the sanctuary of home.

The Bottom Head on the Family Totem Pole-How many men feel after kids arrive: unnoticed, unappreciated, and weighed down by the task of supporting everyone else in the family.

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Glossary of Terms The BPYM Call to Inaction-A plea to mothers everywhere to embrace lower standards and end the Uber-Mama Uber-Mama insanity. The movement's manifesto includes calls to a) abolish insanity. The movement's manifesto includes calls to a) abolish Open House Overdrive Open House Overdrive (e.g. setting out fresh flowers before play dates) and b) limit the contents of all birthday party goodie bags to a (e.g. setting out fresh flowers before play dates) and b) limit the contents of all birthday party goodie bags to a Sticker and a Fruit Snack Sticker and a Fruit Snack.

The BPYM Family Management Plan-Policies and procedures developed by Mom and Dad for handling extended family members. Strategies include clarifying The Pecking Order The Pecking Order (see below), (see below), Running Inter- Running Inter- ference (each spouse deals with his/her own offending relatives) and establis.h.i.+ng unique family traditions. (each spouse deals with his/her own offending relatives) and establis.h.i.+ng unique family traditions.

Clash of the Grannies-A high stakes ”who will have the greatest infl uence on the grandkids” ”who will have the greatest infl uence on the grandkids” tournament played by each set of grandparents. tournament played by each set of grandparents.

Compet.i.tive categories include: The t.i.tle Champions.h.i.+p The t.i.tle Champions.h.i.+p (who gets to be called ”Grandma”), (who gets to be called ”Grandma”), the Battle for Floor and Wall s.p.a.ce, the the Battle for Floor and Wall s.p.a.ce, the Battle for Face Time, Exclusive Access, Equal Access, and Gratuitous Grandparental Gift Giving. Winners get to claim Winners get to claim Alpha Grandpar- Alpha Grandpar- ent status. status.

Cut the Cord-What Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls should do after they become parents. Failure to cut the cord can lead to Turf Infringement Turf Infringement, a distraught spouse or, in cases of extreme attachment, divorce papers.

Deer in the Headlights-The stunned ”I just got whacked over the head”

sensation experienced by most new parents.

Did-Enough Dads-These are the Dads who do just enough to get by.

Domestic Shortcuts Shortcuts (skipping baths and teeth brus.h.i.+ng) are Standard Operating Procedure, and they make liberal use of (skipping baths and teeth brus.h.i.+ng) are Standard Operating Procedure, and they make liberal use of Convenience Convenience Cards (TV, McDonald's, 1-800-Grandma). (TV, McDonald's, 1-800-Grandma).

D-Train-That's D for Divorce. While hitching a ride is appropriate in various circ.u.mstances, the D-Train often brings its pa.s.sengers right back to the place they left. Same s.h.i.+t, different spouse. Changing partners won't change millions of years of the biological hardwiring that drives much of our post-kid behavior.

Divide and Conquer-Unless you have a fleet of staff and unlimited cash, this apportioning of household and parenting responsibilities between spouses is the only way to reduce Scorekeeping.

The Everything List-Drawing up this list of all all the required parenting Glossary of Terms the required parenting Glossary of Terms 279.

and household to-dos is the first step in the Divide and Conquer solution to Scorekeeping.

Extreme Parenting-The tendency to overparent, overschedule, and overeverything our children. All parents who want to give their kids the best possible opportunities can fall into extreme parenting behaviors; although UberMamas UberMamas, and the occasional UberPapa make it an art form. It can cause us to neglect ourselves and our marriages.

Family Tug-of-War-The conflicting familial pulls experienced by new Moms and Dads. Opposing sets of grandparents pull at opposite ends of the rope, and heave extra hard during holidays and birthdays.

Sometimes a spouse joins his or her family in the tugging.

Five-Minute Fix-An underutilized, relatively easy, and most importantly, (for women, at least) non-time-consuming s.e.x act. Its weekly implementation can transform a marriage.

Free Pa.s.s-What some men think their wives enjoy when they stay at home with the kids.

Get Out of Jail Free Cards-A ”no strings attached” break given by one spouse to the other. The recipient isn't expected to use Marriage Capi- Marriage Capi- tal (see below) to ”buy” his/her freedom (e.g., promising to do all the laundry and/or baths for a week). There is no quid pro quo with these cards. The paroled spouse usually returns with renewed energy, appreciation and a willingness to help. (see below) to ”buy” his/her freedom (e.g., promising to do all the laundry and/or baths for a week). There is no quid pro quo with these cards. The paroled spouse usually returns with renewed energy, appreciation and a willingness to help.

The Getting vs. Giving Equation-This formula for marital happiness requires that both spouses focus on what they can do for the other, rather than on what their spouse is not not doing for them. doing for them.

Global Conspiracy of Silence-The iron curtain of secrecy that hides the reality of the Parenthood a.s.s-Kicking Party Parenthood a.s.s-Kicking Party. No one, not even our own parents, will tell it like it is. Some cryptic messages do make it through the silence, though, like advice to stockpile couple time for the famine ahead: ”Make sure you go to the movies/out to dinner/sleep in because you'll never, ever get to do it again.” in because you'll never, ever get to do it again.”

The Granny Grab-A Grandma's involuntary, uncontrollable impulse to s.n.a.t.c.h a baby right out of whoever's arms it happens to be in. This is a force to be reckoned with. Attempts to intercede a Grandma, mid-grab, can result in serious bodily harm.

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Glossary of Terms The Great s.e.x Negotiation-Heavy-duty peace talks held between husband and wife to address supply/demand problems and work toward s.e.xual Equilibrium. Diplomacy skills rivaling those of Kofi Anan are required to achieve a mutually agreeable outcome.

Hardwiring-The genetically programmed instincts that kick in when we become parents. Although both men and women are compelled to maximize their genes' chance of survival; they have different, and often, incompatible hardwiring. She ensures her genes' survival by focusing on her baby. He, on the other hand, seeks to proliferate his genes through s.e.x.

Helpful Man vs. Pa.s.sive Man-The superhero that lurks in the heart of every husband, a man who will pitch in without being asked; and his alter-ego, the guy who parks his a.s.s on the couch and whose sole contribution is to point out that the baby is crying and/or has grabbed the remote. Pa.s.sive Man drives women nuts. Helpful Man, however, always gets the girl.

Hound Dog/Ice Queen Vortex-The highly-scientific BPYM term for people's post-baby hardwired response to s.e.x. He (the Hound Dog) wants s.e.x, baby or no baby, because men proliferate their genes through s.e.x.

She (the Ice Queen) focuses on the baby to the exclusion of all else because women are compelled by nature to nurture their young.

The Hourgla.s.s Effect-This is how many men respond when their wives say no to s.e.x. They tip the sands and make it clear that she needs to ”make it up” within a 24-hour time period and indicate (usually with stooped shoulders and a sulky look) that failure to do so will result in supremely grouchy husband behavior. Most women, however, are supremely annoyed by the Command Performance and become even less interested in putting out.

The Ick Factor-The slimy, gross reality of mothering small kids. One side effect of dealing with all the Ick (i.e. bodily fluids and messy baby food) is less interest in s.e.x. What woman wants to deal with another mess after a slog through the Trenches of Muck? Trenches of Muck?