Part 33 (1/2)
”A prig?” said her father inquiringly.
”Ah,” said Katharine, ”it is something of too modern a growth to have come within your ken.” She slipped off her seat, and began pacing restlessly up and down the room.
”A prig,” she continued, more to herself than to her father, who was watching her narrowly nevertheless, ”a prig is one who tries to break what the ordinary person is pleased to call the law of Nature, and to subst.i.tute the law of his own reason instead. It doesn't matter that this is what we are brought up to do, for the ordinary person insists on our forgetting that we are intelligent beings, and only wants us to run in the same rut as himself. And the ordinary person is very happy, so perhaps he is right. Education makes us all prigs, and we have to sit and wait for the particular experience that is to undo the effects of our education. It is great waste of time to be educated, isn't it?
We are told that it is priggish to have ideals, and that is why being young is generally equivalent to being priggish. The world won't tolerate ideals; it sneers at us for trying to find out new ways of being good, and it likes to see us for ever grubbing among the same old ways of being bad. Did you know all this before, daddy? But you never told me, did you? Do parents ever tell their children anything useful, I wonder? Oh, I don't think so; we just have to go on until we find it all out, and break our hearts over it, most likely!” She paused to give a little bitter laugh. The Rector had an intent look on his face that was foreign to it. ”I should like to know,” she went on, more gently, ”if it isn't possible to be brave, or steadfast, or true, without being a prig; it simply means that we have got to go on trying to be better than we are, and pretending that we don't know it all the while. It is such an anomalous position for a thinking person, isn't it? And yet, if we are honest about it we proclaim ourselves prigs at once. _I_ am a prig, daddy. Did you know that too? I have gloried all my life in being above the ordinary littlenesses of womanhood; and then, when my hour came, I just learned that I was the same old woman after all. I was proud of knowing so much, and all the time I did not know what every ignorant woman in the world could have told me. Oh, the world is right, after all; I know it! But it has such uncomfortable ways of convincing us, hasn't it? I'm not bothering you, daddy, am I?” She stopped, and looked at him anxiously. The Rector did not speak. ”Nothing will ever make you a prig,” continued Katharine as she resumed her restless walk, ”or Ted either, or Marion Keeley.
Lovable people are never priggish, are they? Oh, I am never going to try to be anything, again. I shall become as much like the ordinary person as I can; I will let boys like Monty make love to me, and pretend that I like it; I will let myself go, and hide away my old feelings which were real ones, and invent a whole set of new ones for everyday use. Oh, dear, how absurd it all is! To make one's life a long course of deception, in order to prove to the world that we are real! And yet, that is the only way to avoid being called a prig. It is ridiculous to pretend that we care for what the big people think of us. We don't. It is the little, commonplace, ordinary folk, with the commonplace minds and the commonplace views, who make up our audience; and we acknowledge it all our lives by being afraid of their criticism. We play to them, and to them only, from the moment we begin to think for ourselves, until Providence is good enough to ring down the curtain. We make a wretched compromise with our real selves, in order to get through life without being laughed at for taking it seriously. And the end of it all is that we have to suffer our own contempt, instead of the commonplace person's. But everybody does the same, so it must be right, mustn't it? Daddy,” she added suddenly, as she came to a standstill before him, ”daddy, do you think, if I don't try to be good any more, that I shall ever become just an ordinary pleasant person,--someone whom people will care to fall in love with?
It would be so comforting to feel that people cared to fall in love with me. I am so tired of being thought clever and nothing else; cleverness seems like a kind of blight that helps one to miss the biggest thing in life. At least, I have missed it, and everybody says I am clever. Why don't you answer me, daddy? Why, daddy! I--I do believe you're crying!”
”No, my child, you are mistaken,” said Cyril Austen hastily. ”I have been overworking my eyes lately, that is all. You mustn't talk like that, little girl; it--it makes me unhappy. I should never have allowed you to go away by yourself, should I? I'm a useless old-- But there, it is too late now. Let us talk about this Paris plan of yours.
What if I were to come too, eh?”
”It would be beautiful!” cried Katharine. ”But there is still Aunt Esther, isn't there?”
”Ah, yes!” said the Rector ruefully. ”So stupid of me to forget!”
They made themselves very happy for a day or two over the Paris plan.
They met like guilty conspirators when Miss Esther was out of the way, and amused themselves by arranging a scheme which they knew quite well she would never allow them to carry out. Katharine's spirits recovered something of their old vigour; and Miss Esther felt more bewildered than ever when she suddenly appeared in this new mood, and refused to have anything more to do with the parish.
”I am tired of good works,” she announced vigorously. ”They don't answer, and they destroy one's self-respect. Some people are cut out for that sort of thing, but I am not, and I am going to leave it to those who are. I am never again going to make myself uncomfortable by visiting people in their unpleasant homes. I don't want to go, for one thing; and it isn't good for them to be patronised, for another.
Besides, they can't refuse to see me in any case, and I don't like forcing myself upon people in that uninvited manner. I am going to be happy in my own way, and that will give them a much fairer chance of being happy in theirs. I've done with the whole thing.” And she returned cheerfully to the map of Paris.
But her new-found contentment was not to be allowed a long duration. A letter came for her a few days later, which altered the whole aspect of affairs, and finally quenched the Paris plan. The writing was unfamiliar to her, and she had to turn to the end of the closely written pages to discover who had sent it to her.
”Dear Miss Austen,” it ran:--
”It may be a matter of great surprise to you to hear from me in this unexpected manner. Nothing but the deep interest I feel in one who is, I have reason to believe, as great a friend of yours as of mine would give me the courage to take up my pen and write to you. I have for some time past been observing Ted's career with distress, if not with the deepest concern. You probably know that he gave up his work in the city on the death of Mrs. Morton, so I will not trouble you with more details than necessity compels you to hear. Of course you will understand the diffidence with which I approach you on so delicate a matter; but my great friends.h.i.+p, or what I might call our _mutual_ friends.h.i.+p, for Ted Morton has given me the requisite courage. I do not know the reason for what I am about to break to you; in fact, to be explicit, I have not the slightest idea of what led him to take such a step, but I have my own conjectures about the matter, and these I will lay before you as briefly as the occasion demands. For some time past, indeed, I may say for months, he has been very depressed, and has tried to drown his trouble, whatever it might be, in distractions of various kinds. Do not for one moment suppose that I am making any insinuation detrimental to Ted's reputation; far from it! But there is no doubt that he has grown somewhat reckless in disposition, owing possibly to this same mysterious trouble of his, and this has hurried on the crisis which it is now my business to communicate to you. But to avoid unnecessary details, let me at once tell you in plain language what has happened to him.
Three days ago I met him in the Strand about seven o'clock, and asked him to come and dine with me. He refused, with none of the punctilious courtesy that usually characterises him, and I left him thinking, strange as it might seem, that he preferred to be alone. But on going to look him up at his chambers last night, I found him in the condition which it has become my obvious duty to describe to you. Fortunately, the ingenuous disposition, which has made him feel his trouble much longer than most men, has also saved him from this last and worst step of all; for, in his ignorance, he took too large a dose of laudanum, and the effect has mercifully been injurious instead of fatal. He is now--”
Katharine read no more. Nothing further could be of importance after she had learnt so much. Ted had tried to destroy himself, and it was on her account.
”Whatever is the matter, Katharine? I have asked you the same question three times,” Miss Esther was saying crossly. Katharine stared at her in reply, with large, terrified eyes. Her aunt repeated her question, and tried to possess herself of the letter. Katharine came to herself with a start, and s.n.a.t.c.hed it back again, and thrust it into her father's hand.
”Read it, daddy,” she tried to say, but no sound came; she seemed possessed of a great horror that robbed her of every faculty. The Rector smoothed out the letter silently, glanced at the florid signature, ”Barrington Montague,” and began to read it without waiting to put on his gla.s.ses. Miss Esther looked from one to the other, and was divided between her curiosity and her annoyance.
”Really, Katharine, you are quite devoid of manners. Am I not to have the right to ask a simple question in my own house? Who is the letter from, and what is it all about?”
Dorcas lingered by the door as long as she dared, under pretence of being wanted; but Miss Esther, who never relaxed her vigilance even in a crisis, detected the subterfuge and ordered her sharply out of the room. The accustomed tone of reproof helped Katharine to recover herself. She drew a deep breath, and made an effort to speak.
”Ted is dying,” she said. ”They are afraid to tell me, but I know it is so. And it is I who have killed him, _I_! I am going to him at once.”
The Rector was blinking his eyes as he finished reading the letter.
Miss Esther held out her hand again.
”I insist upon your giving me that letter, Cyril,” she said in her discordant voice. Katharine struck down her hand fiercely. Her numbness was giving way to a kind of pa.s.sionate frenzy.