Volume V Part 1 (2/2)

However, he might have dy'd a pure Celibate, and altogether unexpert of Women, had his good or bad Hopes only terminated in Sir _Philip's_ Niece. But the brave and haughty Mr. _Would-be_ was not to be baulk'd by Appearances of Virtue, which he thought all Womankind only did affect; besides, he promis'd himself the Victory over any Lady whom he attempted, by the Force of his d.a.m.n'd Money, tho' her Virtue were ever so real and strict.

With _Philibella_ he found another pretty young Creature, very like her, who had been a _quondam_ Mistress to Sir _Philip_: He, with young _Goodland_, was then diverting his Mistress and Niece at a Game at Cards, when _Would-be_ came to visit him; he found 'em very merry, with a Flask or two of Claret before 'em, and Oranges roasting by a large Fire, for it was _Christmas-time_. The Lady _Friendly_ understanding that this extraordinary Man was with Sir _Philip_ in the Parlour, came in to 'em, to make the number of both s.e.xes equal, as well as in Hopes to make up a Purse of Guineas toward the Purchase of some new fine Business that she had in her Head, from his accustom'd Design of losing at Play to her. Indeed, she had Part of her Wish, for she got twenty Guineas of him; _Philibella_ ten; and _Lucy_, Sir _Philip's_ quondam, five: Not but that _Would-be_ intended better Fortune to the young ones, than he did to Sir _Philip's_ Lady; but her Ladys.h.i.+p was utterly unwilling to give him over to their Management, tho' at the last, when they were all tir'd with the Cards, after _Would-be_ had said as many obliging things as his present Genius would give him leave, to _Philibella_ and _Lucy_, especially to the first, not forgetting his Baisemains to the Lady _Friendly_, he bid the Knight and _Goodland_ adieu; but with a Promise of repeating his Visit at six a-clock in the Evening on _Twelfth-Day_, to renew the famous and antient Solemnity of chusing King and Queen; to which Sir _Philip_ before invited him, with a Design yet unknown to you, I hope.

As soon as he was gone, every one made their Remarks on him, but with very little or no Difference in all their Figures of him. In short, all Mankind, had they ever known him, would have universally agreed in this his Character, That he was an Original; since nothing in Humanity was ever so vain, so haughty, so profuse, so fond, and so ridiculously ambitious, as Mr. _Would-be King_. They laugh'd and talk'd about an Hour longer, and then young _Goodland_ was oblig'd to see _Lucy_ home in his Coach; tho' he had rather have sat up all Night in the same House with _Philibella_, I fancy, of whom he took but an unwilling Leave; which was visible enough to every one there, since they were all acquainted with his Pa.s.sion for my fair Friend.

About twelve a-clock on the Day prefix'd, young _Goodland_ came to dine with Sir _Philip_, whom he found just return'd from Court, in a very good Humour. On the Sight of _Valentine_, the Knight ran to him, and embracing him, told him, That he had prevented his Wishes, in coming thither before he sent for him, as he had just then design'd. The other return'd, that he therefore hoped he might be of some Service to him, by so happy a Prevention of his intended Kindness. No doubt (reply'd Sir _Philip_) the Kindness, I hope, will be to us both; I am a.s.sur'd it will, if you will act according to my Measures. I desire no better Prescriptions for my Happiness (return'd _Valentine_) than what you shall please to set down to me: But is it necessary or convenient that I should know 'em first? It is, (answer'd Sir _Philip_) let us sit, and you shall understand 'em.--I am very sensible (continu'd he) of your sincere and honourable Affection and Pretension to my Niece, who, perhaps, is as dear to me as my own Child could be, had I one; nor am I ignorant how averse Sir _George_ your Father is to your Marriage with her, insomuch that I am confident he would disinherit you immediately upon it, merely for want of a Fortune somewhat proportionable to your Estate: but I have now contrived the Means to add two or three thousand Pounds to the five hundred I have design'd to give with her; I mean, if you marry her, _Val_, not otherwise; for I will not labour so for any other Man. What inviolable Obligations you put upon me! (cry'd _Goodland_.) No Return, by way of Compliments, good _Val_, (said the Knight:) Had I not engag'd to my Wife, before Marriage, that I would not dispose of any part of what she brought me, without her Consent, I would certainly make _Philibella's_ Fortune answerable to your Estate: And besides, my Wife is not yet full eight and twenty, and we may therefore expect Children of our own, which hinders me from proposing any thing more for the Advantage of my Niece.--But now to my Instructions;--_King_ will be here this Evening without fail, and, at some Time or other to-night, will shew the Haughtiness of his Temper to you, I doubt not, since you are in a manner a Stranger to him: Be sure therefore you seem to quarrel with him before you part, but suffer as much as you can first from his Tongue; for I know he will give you Occasions enough to exercise your pa.s.sive Valour. I must appear his Friend, and you must retire Home, if you please, for this Night, but let me see you as early as your Convenience will permit to-morrow: my late Friend _Lucy_ must be my Niece too. Observe this, and leave the rest to me. I shall most punctually, and will in all things be directed by you, (said _Valentine_.) I had forgot to tell you (said _Friendly_) that I have so order'd matters, that he must be King to-night, and _Lucy_ Queen, by the Lots in the Cake. By all means (return'd _Goodland_;) it must be Majesty.

Exactly at six a'clock came _Wou'd-be_ in his Coach and six, and found Sir _Philip_, and his Lady, _Goodland_, _Philibella_, and _Lucy_ ready to receive him; _Lucy_ as fine as a Dutchess, and almost as beautiful as she was before her Fall. All things were in ample Order for his Entertainment. They play'd till Supper was serv'd in, which was between eight and nine. The Treat was very seasonable and splendid. Just as the second Course was set on the Table, they were all on a sudden surpriz'd, except _Would-be_, with a Flourish of Violins, and other Instruments, which proceeded to entertain 'em with the best and newest Airs in the last new Plays, being then in the Year 1683. The Ladies were curious to know to whom they ow'd the chearful part of their Entertainment: On which he call'd out, Hey! _Tom Farmer! Ale-worth! Eccles! Hall!_ and the rest of you! Here's a Health to these Ladies, and all this honourable Company. They bow'd; he drank, and commanded another Gla.s.s to be fill'd, into which he put something yet better than the Wine, I mean, ten Guineas: Here, _Farmer_, (said he then) this for you and your Friends.

We humbly thank the honourable Mr. _Would-be King_. They all return'd, and struck up with more Spriteliness than before. For Gold and Wine, doubtless, are the best Rosin for Musicians.

After Supper they took a hearty Gla.s.s or two to the King, Queen, Duke, &c. And then the mighty Cake, teeming with the Fate of this extraordinary Personage, was brought in, the Musicians playing an Overture at the Entrance of the _Alimental Oracle_; which was then cut and consulted, and the royal Bean and Pea fell to those to whom Sir _Philip_ had design'd 'em. 'Twas then the Knight began a merry b.u.mper, with three Huzza's, and, _Long live King +Would-be!+_ to _Goodland_, who echo'd and pledg'd him, putting the Gla.s.s about to the harmonious Attendants; while the Ladies drank their own Quant.i.ties among themselves, _To his aforesaid Majesty_. Then of course you may believe Queen _Lucy's_ Health went merrily round, with the same Ceremony: After which he saluted his Royal Consort, and condescended to do the same Honour to the two other Ladies.

Then they fell a dancing, like Lightning; I mean, they mov'd as swift, and made almost as little Noise; But his Majesty was soon weary of that; for he long'd to be making love both to _Philibella_ and _Lucy_, who (believe me) that Night might well enough have pa.s.sed for a Queen.

They fell then to Questions and Commands; to cross Purposes: _I think a Thought, what is it like?_ &c. In all which, his _Would-be_ Majesty took the Opportunity of shewing the Excellency of his Parts, as, How fit he was to govern! How dextrous at mining and countermining! and, How he could reconcile the most contrary and distant Thoughts! The Musick, at last, good as it was, grew troublesome and too loud; which made him dismiss them: And then he began to this effect, addressing himself to _Philibella_: Madam, had Fortune been just, and were it possible that the World should be govern'd and influenc'd by two Suns, undoubtedly we had all been Subjects to you, from this Night's Chance, as well as to that Lady, who indeed alone can equal you in the Empire of Beauty, which yet you share with her Majesty here present, who only could dispute it with you, and is only superior to you in t.i.tle. My Wife is infinitely oblig'd to your Majesty, (interrupted Sir _Philip_) who in my Opinion, has greater Charms, and more than both of them together. You ought to think so, Sir _Philip_ (returned the new dubb'd King) however you should not liberally have express'd your self, in Opposition and Derogation to Majesty:--Let me tell you 'tis a saucy Boldness that thus has loos'd your Tongue!--What think you, young Kinsman and Counsellor? (said he to _Goodland_.) With all Respect due to your sacred t.i.tle, (return'd _Valentene_, rising and bowing) Sir _Philip_ spoke as became a truly affectionate Husband; and it had been Presumption in him, unpardonable, to have seem'd to prefer her Majesty, or that other sweet Lady, in his Thoughts, since your Majesty has been pleas'd to say so much and so particularly of their Merits: 'Twould appear as if he durst lift up his Eyes, with Thoughts too near the Heaven you only would enjoy. And only can deserve, you should have added, (said _King_, no longer _Would-be_.) How! may it please your Majesty (cry'd _Friendly_) both my Nieces! tho'

you deserve ten thousand more, and better, would your Majesty enjoy them both? Are they then both your Nieces? (asked Chance's King). Yes, both, Sir (return'd the Knight,) her Majesty's the eldest, and in that Fortune has shewn some Justice. So she has (reply'd the t.i.tular Monarch): My Lot is fair (pursu'd he) tho' I can be bless'd but with one.

_Let Majesty with Majesty be join'd, To get and leave a Race of Kings behind._

Come, Madam (continued he, kissing _Lucy_,) this, as an Earnest of our future Endeavours. I fear (return'd the pretty Queen) your Majesty will forget the unhappy _Statira_, when you return to the Embraces of your dear and beautiful _Roxana_. There is none beautiful but you (reply'd the t.i.tular King) unless this Lady, to whom I yet could pay my Vows most zealously, were't not that Fortune has thus pre-engaged me. But, Madam (continued he) to shew that still you hold our Royal Favour, and that, next to our Royal Consort, we esteem you, we greet you thus (kissing _Philibella_;) and as a Signal of our continued Love, wear this rich Diamond: (here he put a Diamond Ring on her Finger, worth three hundred Pounds.) Your Majesty (pursu'd he to _Lucy_) may please to wear this Necklace, with this Locket of Emeralds. Your Majesty is bounteous as a G.o.d! (said _Valentine_.) Art thou in Want, young Spark? (ask'd the King of _Bantam_) I'll give thee an Estate shall make thee merit the Mistress of thy Vows, be she who she will. That is my other Niece, Sir, (cry'd _Friendly_.) How! how! presumptious Youth! How are thy Eyes and Thoughts exalted? ha! To Bliss your Majesty must never hope for, (reply'd _Goodland_.) How now! thou Creature of the basest Mold! Not hope for what thou dost aspire to! _Mock-King_; thou canst not, dar'st not, shalt not hope it: (return'd _Valentine_ in a heat.) Hold, _Val_, (cry'd Sir _Philip_) you grow warm, forget your Duty to their Majesties, and abuse your Friends, by making us suspected. Good-night, dear _Philibella_, and my Queen! Madam, I am your Ladys.h.i.+p's Servant (said _Goodland_:) Farewel, Sir _Philip_: Adieu, thou Pageant! thou Property-King! I shall see thy Brother on the Stage ere long; but first I'll visit thee: and in the meantime, by way of Return to thy proffer'd Estate, I shall add a real Territory to the rest of thy empty t.i.tles; for from thy Education, barbarous manner of Conversation, and Complexion, I think I may justly proclaim thee, _King of +Bantam+_--So, _Hail, King that Would-be! Hail thou King of +Christmas+! All-hail, Wou'd-be King of +Bantam+_--and so he left 'em.--They all seem'd amazed, and gaz'd on one another, without speaking a Syllable; 'till Sir _Philip_ broke the Charm, and sigh'd out, Oh, the monstrous Effects of Pa.s.sion! Say rather, Oh, the foolish Effects of a mean Education! (interrupted his Majesty of _Bantam_.) For Pa.s.sions were given us for Use, Reason to govern and direct us in the Use, and Education to cultivate and refine that Reason. But (pursu'd he) for all his Impudence to me, which I shall take a time to correct, I am oblig'd to him, that at last he has found me out a Kingdom to my t.i.tle; and if I were Monarch of that Place (believe me, Ladies) I would make you all Princesses and d.u.c.h.esses; and thou, my old Companion, _Friendly_, should rule the Roast with me. But these Ladies should be with us there, where we could erect Temples and Altars to 'em; build Golden Palaces of Love, and Castles--in the Air (interrupted her Majesty, _Lucy_ I. smiling.) 'Gad take me (cry'd King _Wou'd-be_) thou dear Partner of my Greatness, and shalt be, of all my Pleasures! thy pretty satirical Observation has oblig'd me beyond Imitation.' I think your Majesty is got into a Vein of Rhiming to-night, (said _Philadelphia_.) Ay! Pox of that young insipid Fop, we could else have been as great as an Emperor of _China_, and as witty as _Horace_ in his Wine; but let him go, like a pragmatical, captious, giddy Fool as he is!

I shall take a Time to see him. Nay, Sir, (said _Philibella_) he has promis'd your Majesty a Visit in our Hearing. Come, Sir, I beg your Majesty to pledge me this Gla.s.s to your long and happy Reign; laying aside all Thoughts of ungovern'd Youth: Besides, this Discourse must needs be ungrateful to her Majesty, to whom, I fear, he will be marry'd within this Month! How! (cry'd _King and no King_) married to my Queen!

I must not, cannot suffer it! Pray restrain your self a little, Sir (said Sir _Philip_) and when once these Ladies have left us, I will discourse your Majesty further about this Business. Well, pray, Sir _Philip_, (said his Lady) let not your Wors.h.i.+p be pleas'd to sit up too long for his Majesty: About five o'Clock I shall expect you; 'tis your old Hour. And yours, Madam, to wake to receive me coming to Bed--Your Ladys.h.i.+p understands me, (return'd _Friendly_.) You're merry, my Love, you're merry, (cry'd _Philadelphia_:) Come, Niece, to Bed! to Bed! Ay, (said the Knight) Go, both of you and sleep together, if you can, without the Thoughts of a Lover, or a Husband. His Majesty was pleas'd to wish them a good Repose; and so, with a Kiss, they parted for that time.

Now we're alone (said Sir _Philip_) let me a.s.sure you, Sir, I resent this Affront done to you by Mr. _Goodland_, almost as highly as you can: and tho' I can't wish that you should take such Satisfaction, as perhaps some other hotter Sparks would; yet let me say, his Miscarriage ought not to go unpunish'd in him. Fear not (reply'd t'other) I shall give him a sharp Lesson. No, Sir (return'd _Friendly_) I would not have you think of a b.l.o.o.d.y Revenge; for 'tis that which possibly he designs on you: I know him brave as any Man. However, were it convenient that the Sword should determine betwixt you, you should not want mine: The Affront is partly to me, since done in my House; but I've already laid down safer Measures for us, tho' of more fatal Consequence to him: that is, I've form'd them in my Thoughts. Dismiss your Coach and Equipage, all but one Servant, and I will discourse it to you at large. 'Tis now past Twelve; and if you please, I would invite you to take up as easy a Lodging here, as my House will afford. (Accordingly they were dismiss'd, and he proceeded:)--As I hinted to you before, he is in love with my youngest Niece, _Philibella_; but her Fortune not exceeding five hundred Pound, his Father will a.s.suredly disinherit him, if he marries her: tho' he has given his Consent that he should marry her eldest Sister, whose Father dying ere he knew his Wife was with child of the youngest, left _Lucy_ three thousand Pounds, being as much as he thought convenient to match her handsomly; and accordingly the Nuptials of young _Goodland_ and _Lucy_ are to be celebrated next _Easter_. They shall not, if I can hinder them (interrupted his offended Majesty.) Never endeavour the Obstruction (said the Knight) for I'll shew you the Way to a dearer Vengeance: Women are Women, your Majesty knows; she may be won to your Embraces before that time, and then you antedate him your Creature.

A Cuckold, you mean (cry'd King in Fancy:) O exquisite Revenge! but can you consent that I should attempt it? What is't to me? We live not in _Spain_, where all the Relations of the Family are oblig'd to vindicate a Wh.o.r.e: No, I would wound him in his most tender Part. But how shall we compa.s.s it? (ask'd t'other.) Why thus, throw away three thousand Pounds on the youngest Sister, as a Portion, to make her as happy as she can be in her new Lover, Sir _Frederick Flygold_, an extravagant young Fop, and wholly given over to Gaming; so, ten to one, but you may retrieve your Money of him, and have the two Sisters at your Devotion. Oh, thou my better Genius than that which was given to me by Heaven at my Birth!

What Thanks, what Praises shall I return and sing to thee for this!

(cry'd King _Conundrum_.) No Thanks, no Praises, I beseech your Majesty, since in this I gratify my self--You think I am your Friend? and, you will agree to this? (said _Friendly_, by way of Question.) Most readily, (returned the Fop King:) Would it were broad Day, that I might send for the Money to my Banker's; for in all my Life, in all my Frolicks, Encounters and Extravagances, I never had one so grateful, and so pleasant as this will be, if you are in earnest, to gratify both my Love and Revenge! That I am in earnest, you will not doubt, when you see with what Application I shall pursue my Design: In the mean Time, _My Duty to your Majesty; To our good Success in this Affair_. While he drank, t'other return'd, _With all my Heart_; and pledg'd him. Then _Friendly_ began afresh: Leave the whole Management of this to me; only one thing more I think necessary, that you make a Present of five hundred Guineas to her Majesty, the Bride that must be. By all means (return'd the wealthy King of _Bantam_;) I had so design'd before. Well, Sir (said Sir _Philip_) what think you of a set Party or two at _Piquet_, to pa.s.s away a few Hours, till we can sleep? A seasonable and welcome Proposition (returned the King;) but I won't play above twenty Guineas the Game, and forty the Lurch. Agreed (said _Friendly_;) first call in your Servant; mine is here already. The Slave came in, and they began, with unequal Fortune at first; for the Knight had lost a hundred Guineas to Majesty, which he paid in Specie; and then propos'd fifty Guineas the Game, and a hundred the Lurch. To which t'other consented; and without winning more than three Games, and those not together, made s.h.i.+ft to get three thousand two hundred Guineas in debt to Sir _Philip_; for which Majesty was pleas'd to give him Bond, whether _Friendly_ would or no,

_Seal'd and deliver'd in the Presence of_,

The Mark of (_W._) _Will. Watchful_.

And, (_S_) _Sim. Slyboots_.

A couple of delicate Beagles, their mighty Attendants.

It was then about the Hour that Sir _Philip's_ (and, it may be, other Ladies) began to yawn and stretch; when the Spirits refresh'd, troul'd about, and tickled the Blood with Desires of Action; which made Majesty and Wors.h.i.+p think of a Retreat to Bed: where in less than half an Hour, or before ever he cou'd say his Prayers, I'm sure the first fell fast asleep; but the last, perhaps, paid his accustom'd Devotion, ere he begun his Progress to the Shadow of Death. However, he waked earlier than his Cully Majesty, and got up to receive young _Goodland_, who came according to his Word, with the first Opportunity. Sir _Philip_ receiv'd him with more than usual Joy, tho' not with greater Kindness, and let him know every Syllable and Accident that had pa.s.s'd between them till they went to Bed: which you may believe was not a little pleasantly surprizing to _Valentine_, who began then to have some a.s.surance of his Happiness with _Philibella_. His Friend told him, that he must now be reconcil'd to his _Mock-Majesty_, tho' with some Difficulty; and so taking one hearty Gla.s.s a-piece, he left _Valentine_ in the Parlour to carry the ungrateful News of his Visit to him that Morning. King ---- was in an odd sort of taking, when he heard that _Valentine_ was below; and had been, as Sir _Philip_ inform'd _Majesty_, at _Majesty's_ Palace, to enquire for him there: But when he told him, that he had already school'd him on his own Behalf, for the Affront done in his House, and that he believ'd he could bring his Majesty off without any loss of present Honour, his Countenance visibly discover'd his past Fear, and present Satisfaction; which was much encreas'd too, when _Friendly_ shewing him his Bond for the Money he won of him at play, let him know, that if he paid three thousand Guineas to _Philibella_, he would immediately deliver him up his Bond, and not expect the two hundred Guineas overplus. His Majesty of _Bantam_ was then in so good a Humour, that he could have made Love to Sir _Philip_; nay, I believe he could have kiss'd _Valentine_, instead of seeming angry. Down they came, and saluted like Gentlemen: But after the Greeting was over, _Goodland_ began to talk something of Affront, Satisfaction, Honour, _&c._ when immediately _Friendly_ interpos'd, and after a little seeming Uneasiness and Reluctancy, reconcil'd the hot and cholerick Youth to the cold phlegmatick King.

Peace was no sooner proclaim'd, than the King of _Bantam_ took his Rival and late Antagonist with him in his own Coach, not excluding Sir _Philip_ by any means, to _Locket's_, where they din'd: Thence he would have 'em to Court with him, where he met the Lady _Flippant_, the Lady _Harpy_, the Lady _Crocodile_, Madam _Tattlemore_, Miss _Medler_, Mrs.

_Gingerly_, a rich Grocer's Wife, and some others, besides Knights and Gentlemen of as good Humours as the Ladies; all whom he invited to a Ball at his own House, the Night following; his own Lady being then in the Country. Madam _Tattlemore_, I think was the first he spoke to in Court, and whom first he surpriz'd with the happy News of his Advancement to the t.i.tle of King of _Bantam_. How wondrous hasty was she to be gone, as soon as she heard it! 'Twas not in her Power, because not in her Nature, to stay long enough to take a civil Leave of the Company; but away she flew, big with the empty t.i.tle of a fantastick King, proclaiming it to every one of her Acquaintance, as she pa.s.sed through every Room, till she came to the _Presence-Chamber_, where she only whisper'd it; but her Whispers made above half the honourable Company quit the Presence of the King of _Great-Britain_, to go make their Court to his Majesty of _Bantam_: some cry'd, _G.o.d bless your Majesty!_ Some _Long live the King of +Bantam+!_ Others, _All Hail to your Sacred Majesty_; In short, he was congratulated on all Sides. Indeed I don't hear that his Majesty King _Charles_ II. ever sent an Amba.s.sador to compliment him; tho' possibly, he saluted him by his t.i.tle the first time he saw him afterwards: For, you know, he is a wonderful good-natur'd and well-bred Gentleman.

After he thought the Court of _England_ was universally acquainted with his mighty Honour, he was pleas'd to think fit to retire to his own more private Palace, with Sir _Philip_ and _Goodland_, whom he entertain'd that Night very handsomly, till about seven o'Clock; when they went together to the Play, which was that Night, _A King and no King_. His Attendant-Friends could not forbear smiling, to think how aptly the t.i.tle of the Play suited his Circ.u.mstances. Nor could he choose but take Notice of it behind the Scenes, between Jest and Earnest; telling the Players how kind Fortune had been the Night past, in disposing the Bean to him; and justifying what one of her Prophetesses had foretold some Years since. I shall now no more regard (said he) that old doating Fellow _Pythagoras's_ Saying _Abstineto a Fabis_, That is, (added he, by way of Construction) _Abstain from Beans_: for I find the Excellency of 'em in Cakes and Dishes; from the first, they inspire the Soul with mighty Thoughts; and from the last our Bodies receive a strong and wholesom Nourishment. That is, (said a Wag among those sharp Youths, I think 'twas my Friend the Count) these puff you up in Mind, Sir, those in Body. They had some further Discourse among the Nymphs of the Stage, ere they went into the Pit; where Sir _Philip_ spread the News of his Friend's Accession to the t.i.tle, tho' not yet to the Throne of _Bantam_; upon which he was there again complimented on that Occasion. Several of the Ladies and Gentlemen who saluted him, he invited to the next Night's Ball at his Palace.

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