Part 19 (1/2)

I have a tiny voice in the back of my mind telling me to just do a line of c.o.ke, and I'll feel better. But then I think about how good my life is right now, and drugs would only destroy all of that.

”Okay.” Jordon says pressing a quick kiss to my lips.

Spinning around, I bolt out of the room as fast as my feet can carry me without running and making a scene.

I need to get away from Kinsley...this entire situation. It's too much. If I'm around her one more second, I may just turn violent and try to literally smack some sense into this girl.

It's too painful to watch Jordon with that baby. He doesn't know what to think or feel right now, and it kills me to watch him battle with all the emotions he's dealing with.

The birth of a child should be the happiest moment in a person's life. For Jordon, he doesn't know if he is the father of this little girl, so he can't bond with her like a normal father would. It breaks my heart that this Kinsley girl can do this to two men and not even seem the least bit fazed by it all.

Unburying the Truth.

I make my way down to the lobby and stop dead in my tracks. I was trying to leave out the double gla.s.s doors in front of the hospital, but outside, the entire front entrance is full of press and paparazzi.

Spinning around, I decide to head back up to the waiting room. As soon as I walk back in, I spot two women coming into the waiting room. They look like they've been at the gift shop with their arms full of flowers and stuffed bears.

The death glare they both give me lets me know they're more than likely the mother and sister of Kinsley, Jordon told me about. Ignoring them, I head towards the private bathroom and lock myself in. It's crazy that a bathroom in the hospital feels like the only safe place in this entire f.u.c.king building.

Sliding to the floor, I lean against the door and hug my legs while resting my forehead on my knees. I feel a panic attack coming on, and this is the last place I want to have one. I haven't had an attack in months, and the feeling of one coming on sends me further into a panic. I don't want Jordon to see that I'm struggling with this more than I'm letting on.

I inhale and exhale shaky breaths as tears well up in my eyes. My world feels like it's spinning out of control and no matter how hard I try, it won't stop. I feel so helpless right now, and I hate it. I wish we could just snap our fingers and go back twenty-four hours ago when Jordon and I were happy, and lost in our own little world on my tour bus.

Giving into the sadness, I let the tears fall. I'm too tired to fight them anymore. It's exhausting trying to pretend as if the thought of Jordon having a baby with another woman doesn't bother me. I will support him no matter what, but the idea that someone else is giving him his first child, and under these circ.u.mstances, is too much to deal with right now.

This is why I've kept myself from falling for anyone else since Cane. It was easier staying distant and not getting attached to someone. I tried to fight my feelings for Jordon, but it was impossible. The pull to him is too strong. Now that I'm finally happy, and accepting that it is all right to move on with my life, this Kinsley girl swoops in and tries to destroy everything.

My ringing phone snaps me out of my fog. Digging in my purse, I find it and see its Roxie.

”Hey.” I answer trying to hold back my sobs and pretend I'm not falling apart right now.

Roxie sees through it and calls me out, ”Are you crying?!” The panic in her voice is evident. I can only imagine what's going through her head right now after seeing the reports about Jordon possibly being a father.

Wiping my tears away with my sleeve, I sniffle, ”Yeah...I feel stupid. I'm locked in a bathroom bawling my eyes out while Jordon is in with Kinsley seeing the baby.”

”Why the h.e.l.l are you in the bathroom and not in there with him?” She shouts into the phone practically blowing out my ear drum.

I let out a soft sigh and sink against the door, ”I was in there for five seconds and was already fighting with Kinsley. I don't want to do that when there's a newborn in the room. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I just needed to get out of there and away from her.”

I hear Roxie, ”Mmm hmm,” into the phone as she listens to me ramble on. I am already feeling a little better just talking to her. ”Well, it's a difficult situation but as long as you and Jordon support each other, you'll get through this. Sadly, I understand what you're going through. Matt and I have had our fair share of drama with girls looking for a big payday by claiming he cheated on me with them. In the end, it's always a lie, with the girl twisting an innocent interaction and using it to get a hefty check in their bank account.”

Standing, I walk over to the sink and wet a paper towel to wash the running mascara off of my face.

Rubbing under my eyes I say, ”Thanks, Rox. I appreciate it. You're right. I just need to have faith it'll all work out and show Jordon that no matter what, I'm not going anywhere. Oh! You won't believe it, but we told each other I love you today.”

”Oh, my G.o.d! Seriously! At the hospital? How are you doing?” She fires off her questions so fast I can barely get a word in.

I can't stop laughing at her excitement, ”I'm good. Yes, at the hospital. He just kinda spit it out while talking to me about Kinsley. So I finally decided, what the h.e.l.l, and said it back. I've wanted to for weeks but was scared. I know he's afraid that I won't love him the way he loves me; I can see it in his eyes. I feel bad because I know he feels that way because of Cane. In time, I hope he'll see my love for him is genuine and real.”

Roxie squeals on the other end of the phone bursting with excitement, ”Aww that's so sweet! He knows sweetie; Cane is a lot to live up to. You two were so madly in love; I can understand how Jordon may feel Cane has shoes too big to ever fill. Just give it time. Anywhoo, I gotta go, but wanted to see how you were doing. I love you girly! If you need anything just call or text me, okay?”

”Okay. Love you too.”

Hanging up, I continue cleaning myself up. Staring in the mirror, I wish Cane would appear to me like he did after he died. I need to see him right now, know he is okay with all of this. I need to know so I can put my mind at ease.

”Cane. I'm so scared.” I whisper closing my eyes and dropping my chin to my chest. ”I hope you are looking down on me and happy with the woman I'm becoming. All I want is to make you proud and your death worth something.

For so long I was lost after losing you. Now with Jordon, I feel like I'm finally where I belong. Just all of this with Kinsley...the baby...it's a lot to deal with. I love you so much, and I never want to lose that. I'm scared if I let myself fall completely for Jordon, I'll forget about you.

I never want to forget about you or what we had. It was special and to me the greatest love of all time. I'm struggling with the idea that maybe G.o.d does give you two soulmates in one lifetime. I know in my heart you were my soulmate. We were destined to be together, but I can't ignore the feeling that it's the same with Jordon.

I feel that the battles I went through these last eight years were all to lead me to Jordon. The thought that your death sent me on this course that eventually brought Jordon into my life can't be ignored. I just wish you'd give me a sign, let me know it's all going to be okay.”

Opening my eyes I glance at my reflection in the mirror one more time before scooping my purse up off the floor and head back out to the waiting room.

It sounds crazy but talking to Cane, even though he can't talk back, helps ease my mind. Having Roxie call also helped rea.s.sure me that as long as Jordon and I stick together it'll all be all right.

I notice a tall man with short blonde hair standing at the nurse's counter as I head back towards Kinsley's room. Stopping, I eavesdrop, which I know is wrong, but geesh I've had a rough day.

”Hi, I'm Brock Lawrence. I'm looking for my girlfriend, Kinsley Jefferson's room. She checked in earlier this morning.”

Oh. My. G.o.d. He came.

A little late to the party, but he's here.

I slowly approach him, tapping him on his shoulder.

”Excuse me? Hi, I'm Brittan, Jordon's girlfriend.” I began to say as he turns and looks down at me. His eyes grow big as he stares at me not blinking.

”Um, yeah, I know who you are. You're Brittan-f.u.c.king-McKenna. I'm a huge fan.” He says taking my hand and shaking it.

I let out a nervous laugh and tuck my hair behind me ear, ”Yup, that's me. I'm actually heading to Kinsley's room if you want to walk with me.”

Nodding he says, ”Sure,” and walks beside me down the long corridor to her room.

”What made you decide to come to the hospital?” I finally ask, breaking the awkward silence.

Stuffing his hand in his pocket, he pulls out his cell and scrolls to his recent messages showing me a text from Jordon. It's a picture of the baby.

”Jordon sent me this picture and it reminded me that even if I'm p.i.s.sed off at Kinsley, this little girl is an innocent in all this.”

Grabbing his arm I stop him mid-step, and look up at him nervously, ”Can I ask you something?”

”Sure, anything.”