Part 8 (1/2)

Falling back on my pillow, I let out a low belly laugh. It feels strange to be laughing this hard. It's causing my stomach to cramp and tears to form in my eyes. I can't help but think that I must look like a f.u.c.king wack-job at the moment.

Jordon leans over me to press kisses from my jaw up to my lips, quieting my giggles. ”Sorry...” I say between breaths, holding my hand over my abdomen. ”I can't even read myself half the time, so don't feel bad. I don't think anyone will ever understand me, and captivating is far from the word I'd use...more like complicated.”

Grabbing my chin, Jordon forces me to look at him. My eyes have been fixated on the chandelier above my bed trying to keep my emotions at bay.

”To me, Brittan, you are the most captivating woman I've ever met. The second I saw you dancing tonight; I couldn't take my eyes off you, no matter how hard I tried. You don't see it, but you are beautiful and worth someone taking the time to see the real you. Not the facade you put on for the outside world.”

I look like a guppy as my mouth opens and closes, but nothing comes out. Jordon is like a sledge hammer trying to smash down the walls I've built around my heart, but what he doesn't know is they're built of steel not brick...they're indestructible.

Reaching up, I slide my fingers through Jordon's hair, that's now damp with sweat, and pull him down to me for one last kiss before we part ways for good.

As our lips separate I whisper, ”Good night, Jordon.”

Without saying another word, he climbs off my bed and out the door to retrieve his clothing that's been dispersed throughout my house. A few minutes later I hear the front door open and close. I run down the stairs quickly to make sure everything is locked and secure before I allow myself to break down.

Grabbing my iPhone, I snap it into the port and hit play, letting Gavin Rossdale's voice fill my bathroom as he sings Glycerine. I can't hear this song without thinking of Cane.

Tears fill my eyes as I get lost in the music.

Stripping out of Cane's t-s.h.i.+rt, I open the shower doors turning on the water as hot as I can handle and letting the room fill up with steam. Stepping into the shower, I stand under the rain style shower head relis.h.i.+ng the soothing feeling of the water as it cascades over my body.

With the body wash, I scrub my skin until its bright red, trying and remove every ounce of Jordon from my skin.

The images of Jordon and I together flash through my mind, making my head spin. The way his hands felt on my body. How much I enjoyed his lips on mine. Thinking of how it felt as he f.u.c.ked me. My twists tighter and tighter, the more I think about him.

The only man I ever want to make me feel this way is Cane. He was the love of my life. It isn't right for me to have these thoughts about Jordon, when I don't have a heart to give to him. Cane took my heart when he died, leaving a hollow s.p.a.ce in my chest where it used to be.

Staind's, It's Been a While comes on just as I'm stepping out of the shower. Wrapping a towel around myself I pad across the cool stone tiled floor to the sink and grab my toothbrush. Piling the toothpaste on I begin frantically scrubbing my teeth and tongue as I try to remove the taste of Jordon from my mouth.

My head begins to spin as images flood my mind, blending images of Cane and I together followed by Jordon and I. Fisting my hair between my fingers, I stare at the f.u.c.ked up image of myself in the mirror and scream, letting out all of my frustrations.

”Stop! I just want this torture to stop...” I cry out and fall to my knees to crawl towards the toilet.

I lift the lid just in time.

Leaning over the toilet, I empty all the contents from my stomach. It isn't much considering I skipped dinner and only had alcohol all evening. My eyes are watering and aching, and my throat is burning from the acid.

I hear Aaron Lewis singing about addiction and missing the one he loves. It makes my heart race and makes me crave a high only c.o.ke can give me...one that will help numb my mind, ease my sadness and stop the voices of my past .

Tears are still sliding down my cheeks when I pick myself up off the floor. Picking up Cane's t-s.h.i.+rt, I slip it back on and make my way over to the sink to splash some water on my face and rinse my mouth out as I try to rid the taste of the vomit stinging my throat.

Turning off the music, I pad across the bathroom and head back into my bedroom. Stopping at my bedside table, I open the top drawer and retrieve my old cell phone before climbing back into bed slipping under the blankets.

Turning the phone on, I go to saved voicemails and scroll through to find one and hit play.

The sound of Cane's voice makes b.u.t.terflies flutter in the pit of my stomach and causes a lump to form in my throat as I choke on a sob.

”Hey babe, just calling to say I love you and miss you so much. Soon enough I'll be back home and driving you absolutely crazy. I hope you have a great day; I'll call again when I can.”

That was the last voice mail I ever received from Cane. I can't listen to it enough. Whenever I hear him say I love you it sends chills through my entire body.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I push the tears out that have been pooling in my eyes; I feel one slide slowly over the bridge of my nose and drip onto my pillow. I've lost count of how many nights I've fallen asleep this way, and how many tears have stained my pillows since Cane was taken from me.

Sometime after four A.M. I finally fall asleep with Cane's dog tags, and my phone held tightly against my chest. It's all I have left, and I don't think I'll ever be able to let them go.

I Hold On.

It's been six days since my one night stand with Jordon. Tonight will be the first time I'll see him, and I am a bundle of nerves. Normally, I can hook up with a guy and care less if I see him again or not. Jordon has crawled into my head and refuses to get out.

I'm nervous that it'll be weird or uncomfortable when we're around each other after rehearsals for tomorrow's concert. This is the main reason I do not sleep with anyone I work with; I hate being stuck in awkward situations. My concerts are the one escape I have from the f.u.c.ked up world I live in, and now, thanks to Mr. s.e.xy-as-sin-with-f.u.c.k-me-blue-eyes, I can't stop stressing about this tour and seeing him tonight at rehearsals.

h.e.l.l, I've already changed my clothing three times!

I resorted to calling Roxie to help me pick out something. She immediately sensed something was going on and grilled me until I caved and spill all the dirty details from Sat.u.r.day night.

She freaked out when I told her that I felt more than just a great o.r.g.a.s.m when I was with Jordon. She's been trying to get me to start dating again for years, she even resorted to making me a fricking profile on eHarmony!

Now that she knows I felt something when I was with Jordon, she is all aboard the Jordon train and driving me completely insane.

She keeps telling me to toss my rules out the window, and have as much meaningless s.e.x with Jordon as I can. If something more comes from it that will be an added bonus.

I told her even if I did, in the end, it would cause drama on our tour; which I do not want. 'Friends with Benefits' always turns messy. It ends with someone getting hurt even if you start out with the best of intentions, because normally one of the two end up developing feelings that the other doesn't reciprocate.

I doubt Jordon would want to hook up with me for the entire six month tour. Especially when there will be a million hot chicks begging to have a one night stand with him.

Everyone keeps telling me it's been eight years since Cane's death; I should get out there and date, have some fun. Not just have random hot s.e.x.

No one understands me or what the h.e.l.l I'm dealing with.

Christ! Even in his letter Cane told me he wants me to live a fulfilled life and to love again, but I just can't find the strength to let go of him and move on.

So I keep holding on to my love for Cane with both hands, terrified of what will happen if I let him go and take that leap of faith by opening myself up to someone again.

Of course, the man-wh.o.r.e who happens to be the guitarist for my opening act, is the one guy, in all the guys I've met in eight years, to make me feel again?

Fate can be a b.i.t.c.h sometimes.

I already know I'm setting myself up for disaster if I allow Jordon back into my bed. The best thing I can do is stay as far away from Jordon Valentine as I can. Hopefully, I can find a hot random hook up while on the road that can f.u.c.k Jordon out of my system.

Parking my black Dodge Challenger at the American Airlines Stadium back entrance, I pull down my visor to check my make-up one more time.

I have to say I look pretty f.u.c.king hot right now.

Roxie convinced me to go with my new tight leather peplum dress with rows of silver spikes along my bust line, giving it an edgier look.

I touch up my fire engine red lips and step out onto the pavement. I'm rocking my seven inch Louboutin Black Lady Clou spiked platform heels covered in the same silver spikes as my dress and decorated with cute little bows and open toes showing off my red nails.