Part 5 (1/2)

Casper, who's sitting next to me at the end of the table, grips my shoulder gently and gives it a small squeeze, ”You have nothing to be sorry about. We all understand Brittan. You don't need to try and put up a front for us. We know you're hurting, and we just want to help you any way we can.”

Wiping away another tear, I smile at him and let out a nervous laugh, ”Thanks, you guys have all been so good to me. My news has to do with all of you...not just me and my dreams.” I say sliding my eyes across all the bandmates.

This immediately increases their curiosity.

”Well don't keep torturing us, what's your big news?” Levi asks as he playfully throws a balled up napkin at me.

I love how even when I am feeling like total s.h.i.+t this small group of close friends can find a way to put a smile on my face.

We spend the next hour talking about my plans. I announce I'm dropping out of college and using some of the money from Cane's insurance policy to pay for Beyond Redemption to travel from Florida to California. My plan is to play in any bar or club we can get into. Hopefully, we can build enough buzz with YouTube and social media outlets, that while, in L.A., we can get some recording time in the studio to cut a demo.

I gave Dalton, Cane's Silverado truck, his old pickup truck has been on its last leg for the past couple of years. I know Cane would want him to have it.

Roxie cried for a different reason when I broke the news to her. We've never been apart more than a few weeks, only when our families traveled for vacations. I told her we'll talk and video chat every day, and once we get to L.A., she, Matt and Dalton will have to come see us perform.

It's going to be a long journey, but I think, right now it's exactly what I need. With Cane gone, there is no reason for me to stick around Miami and finish my degree. He was my biggest fan, and if this is what he wants me to do, then I'll take the leap and go for it.

I hope focusing on this adventure will help distract me from the sadness that is consuming every second of my life.

Since we buried him, I've spent every night lost in my thoughts, scribbling down lyrics to songs I'm writing for him or about him and me. They're all still works in progress. I've found it's extremely therapeutic to put all of the thoughts that are screaming to get out of my head down on paper.

I don't know if I'll ever share them with the guys, right now they're just for me. It's the only way for me to grasp onto the last bit of sanity I have left.

Crawling into bed after getting home from the bar, I feel a small weight has been lifted off me. I was so stressed about returning to school because my heart wasn't in it.

It's time to start the next chapter in my life...

January 11th 2014.

Present Day.

”Are you ready for tonight?” Roxie asks as we make our way through the city towards the cemetery.

Propping my arm up on the door of Roxie's BMW M4, I give her a big fake a.s.s smile and lie through my teeth, ”Yup, I can't wait to kick off this tour.”

Roxie gives me a sideways glance before refocusing on the road. I can't tell if she's buying my bulls.h.i.+t or not. She is so d.a.m.n hard to read sometimes.

Slamming her breaks, she shouts out the window, ”A blinker would be nice, you a.s.shole!”

A small chuckle escapes me. No one has more road rage than Roxie St. Claire.

Snapping her head at me, she huffs out, ”What!? He cut me off! If he makes me wreck my new car, I'll ram my stiletto right up his f.u.c.king a.s.s.”

Roxie's new candy red M4 is her newest gift from Matt. He bought it for her for their seventh wedding anniversary. He now plays professional basketball for the New Orleans Pelican's. He was with Miami Heat for years, but he decided when he became a free agent and go to New Orleans, due to paycheck with a few more zeros on it. She hates his being away all of the time traveling for games, but she's just as busy with her 'Wake up with Roxie' morning television show she has here in Miami; which, by the way, is #1 for the third year in a row.

I am so proud of my best friend, and only hope getting my life together will make it so she can be proud of me again. It's hard, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but I want to be the Brittan that Cane loved.

I still can't believe Roxie and Matt stayed together all this time, and they're still madly in love with each other. I often daydream what it would have been like if Cane was never killed. The four of us going out on double dates, and becoming the G.o.d parents to each other's kids. Eight years later the pain still feels as fresh as it did the day I got the news that he was dead.

I've been back in Miami since November third. Leaving rehab and entering the regular world again is overwhelming. My cravings are almost completely gone, and I have my sponsor on speed-dial. I can't help but be afraid that I'll be tempted to fall off the wagon once we kick off the new tour.

I've kept myself busy and distracted by focusing on writing and recording, to try and fight the cravings when they do hit me. My record label is sending us on our new tour next week. Tonight we're having a huge party at Club Vertigo in South Beach with the band that'll be touring with us, Tempting Tomorrow. They're really talented, and I think our fans are going to love us touring together. So far, our tour is sold out at every venue we'll be performing across the United States. Once we finish our US tour, we're off to Europe.

I just hope I can withstand the temptations I know will be presented to me at every concert. You'll see someone doing a line backstage and people view it as normal, like it's no different from seeing someone sucking on a G.o.d d.a.m.n lollipop.

I don't even know how I allowed myself to get sucked into the world of drugs. I guess I took the term, s.e.x, Drugs and Rock & Roll to the max. I was running on almost no sleep and barely had the energy to perform each night as we traveled across the southern states working our way towards L.A. One night, a roadie that was helping us, pulled me aside and told me he had some c.o.ke on him. He said I could do a line if I was interested; that it'd give me the boost I needed to get through my performance.

That one powdery white line changed my life for the next eight years. I got to the point where I couldn't perform without having c.o.ke coursing through my veins. Then there was the crash. I would crash every morning after a show, sending me deeper into depression and only feeling alive while I was high.

When I was riding that high, I felt nothing. The voices and hallucinations of Cane disappeared. For those few short hours, I felt normal, instead of a girl grieving over losing the love of her life. The other guys in the band preferred pot, but wouldn't pa.s.s up taking a line or two with me from time to time before going out on stage or to celebrate after a show.

The only difference is none of them hit an all-time low like I did.

Just before I was put into rehab, last spring, I was supposed to go live on E!News to discuss our upcoming alb.u.m. I was so out of it; I made a complete a.s.s of myself for millions to see. To say that my record label and manager were p.i.s.sed would be putting it lightly.

That night I had a breakdown after everyone decided to rip into me, letting me know I was flus.h.i.+ng my career and my dreams down the drain. I locked myself in my hotel room in L.A. wanting to get away from everyone and everything. That night I did so many lines of c.o.ke I thought I was going to die...and I almost did.

Seeing the spectacle I made of myself that evening, Roxie flew in from Miami to L.A. to give me an intervention and insist I enter a rehab program. When I wouldn't open my penthouse suite for her, she made security let her in.

She said she'd never been so scared in her entire life. She found me slumped over on the floor beside the coffee table that was covered with empty tubes, razor blades for cutting my c.o.ke, rolled up one hundred dollar bills and a mirror covered in c.o.ke residue. She said the second she saw blood coming out my nose she panicked thinking I was dead.

I was pretty close to it.

I felt as if I was in between life and death. While I was there, I saw Cane. I cried with joy because I had missed him for so many years...I actually ached to finally be wrapped in his arms again. I was okay with dying because it meant I was finally going to be with him. I'd slowly been killing myself each day as I fell deeper into my addiction and depression.

I ran into Cane's arms and jumped up, hooking my legs behind his back. Crying into the nape of his neck, I told him over and over, ”I love you so much...so much...” I never wanted to let him go.

Cane pulled back so he could look me in the eye, the sadness I saw in his once beautiful bright blue eyes was like a punch to my stomach.

”Brittan, I love you too. I want nothing more than to take your hand and walk you to the other side, but baby, it's not your time. I didn't put my life on the line and die just so you could throw your life away.”

Shaking my head, I laced my fingers behind his neck, refusing to let him go, ”I don't want to live anymore, Cane. I just want you...” my words taper off as the tears that were filling my eyes began to fall one by one down my cheeks.

With his right hand, Cane used the pad of his thumb to brush the tears from my face, leaning in he pressed the sweetest kiss to my lips that caused my heart to flutter in my chest for the first time since he pa.s.sed away. I felt a wave of peace wash over me as I melted in his embrace.

”Baby, it's not your time. I'll be here waiting for you for as long as it takes, but I need you to live for me. Live the life I know you deserve, and do it for me...live the life I can't.”

I cut him off, ”No! No, I refuse to leave you! I don't want a life without you in it. I've lived seven miserable years without you by my side. I don't want to anymore. Why don't you want the same thing?” I ask now, in almost a whisper, as I shake my head and lock my eyes onto his.

I'm sobbing uncontrollably now as I feel him slipping from my grasp.

I don't want to lose him again; I can't. Not after finally being reunited!

”I love you, Brittan. Please...live for me.” Are the last words he said to me before I awoke in a hospital bed with Roxie crying by my side with her face pressed against my hand that now had an I.V.