Part 136 (1/2)
By the side of a murmuring stream an elderly gentleman sat.
On the top of his head was a wig, and a-top of his wig was his hat.
The wind it blew high and blew strong, as the elderly gentleman sat; And bore from his head in a trice, and plunged in the river his hat.
The gentleman then took his cane which lay by his side as he sat; And he dropped in the river his wig, in attempting to get out his hat.
His breast it grew cold with despair, and full in his eye madness sat; So he flung in the river his cane to swim with his wig, and his hat.
Cool reflection at last came across while this elderly gentleman sat; So he thought he would follow the stream and look for his cane, wig, and hat.
His head being thicker than common, o'er-balanced the rest of his fat; And in plumped this son of a woman to follow his wig, cane, and hat.
_George Canning._
SAYING NOT MEANING
Two gentlemen their appet.i.te had fed, When opening his toothpick-case, one said, ”It was not until lately that I knew That _anchovies_ on _terra firma_ grew.”
”Grow!” cried the other, ”yes, they _grow_, indeed, Like other fish, but not upon the land; You might as well say grapes grow on a reed, Or in the Strand!”
”Why, sir,” returned the irritated other, ”My brother, When at Calcutta Beheld them _bona fide_ growing; He wouldn't utter A lie for love or money, sir; so in This matter you are thoroughly mistaken.”
”Nonsense, sir! nonsense! I can give no credit To the a.s.sertion--none e'er saw or read it; Your brother, like his evidence, should be shaken.”
”Be shaken, sir! let me observe, you are Perverse--in short--”
”Sir,” said the other, sucking his cigar, And then his port-- ”If you will say impossibles are true, You may affirm just anything you please-- That swans are quadrupeds, and lions blue, And elephants inhabit Stilton cheese!
Only you must not _force_ me to believe What's propagated merely to deceive.”
”Then you force me to say, sir, you're a fool,”
Return'd the bragger.
Language like this no man can suffer cool: It made the listener stagger; So, thunder-stricken, he at once replied, ”The traveler _lied_ Who had the impudence to tell it you;”
”Zounds! then d'ye mean to swear before my face That anchovies _don't_ grow like cloves and mace?”
”I _do_!”
Disputants often after hot debates Leave the contention as they found it--bone, And take to duelling or thumping _tetes_; Thinking by strength of artery to atone For strength of argument; and he who winces From force of words, with force of arms convinces!
With pistols, powder, bullets, surgeons, lint, Seconds, and smelling-bottles, and foreboding, Our friends advanced; and now portentous loading (Their hearts already loaded) serv'd to show It might be better they shook hands--but no; When each opines himself, though frighten'd, right, Each is, in courtesy, oblig'd to fight!
And they _did_ fight: from six full measured paces The unbeliever pulled his trigger first; And fearing, from the braggart's ugly faces, The whizzing lead had whizz'd its very worst, Ran up, and with a _duelistic_ fear (His ire evanis.h.i.+ng like morning vapors), Found him possess'd of one remaining ear, Who in a manner sudden and uncouth, Had given, not lent, the other ear to truth; For while the surgeon was applying lint, He, wriggling, cried--”The deuce is in't-- Sir, I _meant_--|CAPERS|!”
_William Basil Wake._
HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY
Hans Breitmann gife a barty; Dey had biano-blayin': I felled in lofe mit a Merican frau, Her name was Madilda Yane.
She hat haar as prown ash a pretzel, Her eyes vas himmel-plue, Und ven dey looket indo mine, Dey shplit mine heart in two.