Part 46 (1/2)

_Sir John._ Sirrah, there's nothing got by Murder but a Halter: My Talent lies towards Drunkenness and Simony.

_Watchman._ Why that now was spoke like a Man of Parts, Neighbours; it's pity he should be so disguis'd.

_Sir John._ You lye--I'm not disguis'd; for I am drunk bare-fac'd.

_Watchman._ Look you here again--This is a mad Parson, Mr. Constable; I'll lay a Pot of Ale upon's Head, he's a good Preacher.

_Constable._ Come, Sir, out of Respect to your Calling, I shan't put you into the Round house; but we must secure you in our Drawing-Room till Morning, that you may do no Mischief. So, come along.

_Sir John._ You may put me where you will, Sirrah, now you have overcome me--But if I can't do Mischief, I'll think of Mischief--in spite of your Teeth, you Dog you. (_Exeunt._)[52]

YOU NEVER CAN TELL

ACT IV

_Waiter. (Entering anxiously through the window._) Beg pardon, ma'am; but can you tell me what became of that--(_He recognizes Bohun, and loses all his self-possession. Bohun waits rigidly for him to pull himself together. After a pathetic exhibition of confusion, he recovers himself sufficiently to address Bohun weakly, but coherently._) Beg pardon, sir, I'm sure, sir. Was--was it you, sir?

_Bohun._ (_Ruthlessly._) It was I.

_Waiter._ (_Brokenly._) Yes, sir. (_Unable to restrain his tears._) You in a false nose, Walter! (_He sinks faintly into a chair at the table._) I beg your pardon, ma'am, I'm sure. A little giddiness--

_Bohun._ (_Commandingly._) You will excuse him, Mrs. Clandon, when I inform you that he is my father.

_Waiter._ (_Heartbroken._) Oh, no, no, Walter. A waiter for your father on the top of a false nose! What will they think of you?

_Mrs. Clandon._ (_Going to the waiter's chair in her kindest manner._) I am delighted to hear it, Mr. Bohun. Your father has been an excellent friend to us since we came here. (_Bohun bows gravely._)

_Waiter._ (_Shaking his head._) Oh, no, ma'am. It's very kind of you--very ladylike and affable indeed, ma'am; but I should feel at a great disadvantage off my own proper footing. Never mind my being the gentleman's father, ma'am: it is only the accident of birth, after all, ma'am. (_He gets up feebly._) You'll excuse me, I'm sure, having interrupted your business.

(_He begins to make his way along the table, supporting himself from chair to chair, with his eye on the door._)

(_Bohun._) One moment. (_The waiter stops, with a sinking heart._) My father was a witness of what pa.s.sed to-day, was he not, Mrs. Clandon?

_Mrs. Clandon._ Yes, most of it, I think.

_Bohun._ In that case we shall want him.

_Waiter._ (_Pleading._) I hope it may not be necessary, sir. Busy evening for me, sir, with that ball: very busy evening indeed, sir.

_Bohun._ (_Inexorably._) We shall want you.

_Mrs. Clandon._ (_Politely._) Sit down, won't you?

_Waiter._ (_Earnestly._) Oh, if you please, ma'am, I really must draw the line at sitting down. I couldn't let myself be seen doing such a thing, ma'am: thank you, I am sure, all the same.

(_He looks round from face to face wretchedly, with an expression that would melt a heart of stone._)

_Gloria._ Don't let us waste time. William only wants to go on taking care of us. I should like a cup of coffee.

_Waiter._ (_Brightening perceptibly._) Coffee, miss? (_He gives a little gasp of hope._) Certainly, miss. Thank you, miss: very timely, miss, very thoughtful and considerate indeed. (_To Mrs. Clandon, timidly, but expectantly._) Anything for you, ma'am?