Part 15 (1/2)
”I have learned by my own anguish all that I made you suffer by my coquetry; but in those days I was utterly ignorant of love. _You_ know what the torture is, and you mete it out to me! During those first eight months that you gave me you never roused any feeling of love in me. Do you ask why this was so, my friend? I can no more explain it than I can tell you why I love you now. Oh! certainly it flattered my vanity that I should be the subject of your pa.s.sionate talk, and receive those burning glances of yours; but you left me cold. No, I was not a woman; I had no conception of womanly devotion and happiness. Who was to blame? You would have despised me, would you not, if I had given myself without the impulse of pa.s.sion? Perhaps it is the highest height to which we can rise--to give all and receive no joy; perhaps there is no merit in yielding oneself to bliss that is foreseen and ardently desired. Alas, my friend, I can say this now; these thoughts came to me when I played with you; and you seemed to me so great even then that I would not have you owe the gift to pity----What is this that I have written?
”I have taken back all my letters; I am flinging them one by one on the fire; they are burning. You will never know what they confessed--all the love and the pa.s.sion and the madness----
”I will say no more, Armand; I will stop. I will not say another word of my feelings. If my prayers have not echoed from my soul through yours, I also, woman that I am, decline to owe your love to your pity. It is my wish to be loved, because you cannot choose but love me, or else to be left without mercy. If you refuse to read this letter, it shall be burnt. If, after you have read it, you do not come to me within three hours, to be henceforth forever my husband, the one man in the world for me; then I shall never blush to know that this letter is in your hands, the pride of my despair will protect my memory from all insult, and my end shall be worthy of my love. When you see me no more on earth, albeit I shall still be alive, you yourself will not think without a shudder of the woman who, in three hours' time, will live only to overwhelm you with her tenderness; a woman consumed by a hopeless love, and faithful--not to memories of past joys--but to a love that was slighted.
”The d.u.c.h.esse de la Valliere wept for lost happiness and vanished power; but the d.u.c.h.esse de Langeais will be happy that she may weep and be a power for you still. Yes, you will regret me. I see clearly that I was not of this world, and I thank you for making it clear to me.
”Farewell; you will never touch _my_ axe. Yours was the executioner's axe, mine is G.o.d's; yours kills, mine saves. Your love was but mortal, it could not endure disdain or ridicule; mine can endure all things without growing weaker, it will last eternally. Ah! I feel a sombre joy in crus.h.i.+ng you that believe yourself so great; in humbling you with the calm, indulgent smile of one of the least among the angels that lie at the feet of G.o.d, for to them is given the right and the power to protect and watch over men in His name. You have but felt fleeting desires, while the poor nun will shed the light of her ceaseless and ardent prayer about you, she will shelter you all your life long beneath the wings of a love that has nothing of earth in it.
”I have a presentiment of your answer; our trysting place shall be--in heaven. Strength and weakness can both enter there, dear Armand; the strong and the weak are bound to suffer. This thought soothes the anguish of my final ordeal. So calm am I that I should fear that I had ceased to love you if I were not about to leave the world for your sake.
”ANTOINETTE.”
”Dear Vidame,” said the d.u.c.h.ess as they reached Montriveau's house, ”do me the kindness to ask at the door whether he is at home.” The Vidame, obedient after the manner of the eighteenth century to a woman's wish, got out, and came back to bring his cousin an affirmative answer that sent a shudder through her. She grasped his hand tightly in hers, suffered him to kiss her on either cheek, and begged him to go at once.
He must not watch her movements nor try to protect her. ”But the people pa.s.sing in the street,” he objected.
”No one can fail in respect to me,” she said. It was the last word spoken by the d.u.c.h.ess and the woman of fas.h.i.+on.
The Vidame went. Mme de Langeais wrapped herself about in her cloak, and stood on the doorstep until the clocks struck eight. The last stroke died away. The unhappy woman waited ten, fifteen minutes; to the last she tried to see a fresh humiliation in the delay, then her faith ebbed.
She turned to leave the fatal threshold.
”Oh, G.o.d!” the cry broke from her in spite of herself; it was the first word spoken by the Carmelite.
Montriveau and some of his friends were talking together. He tried to hasten them to a conclusion, but his clock was slow, and by the time he started out for the Hotel de Langeais the d.u.c.h.ess was hurrying on foot through the streets of Paris, goaded by the dull rage in her heart. She reached the Boulevard d'Enfer, and looked out for the last time through falling tears on the noisy, smoky city that lay below in a red mist, lighted up by its own lamps. Then she hailed a cab, and drove away, never to return. When the Marquis de Montriveau reached the Hotel de Langeais, and found no trace of his mistress, he thought that he had been duped. He hurried away at once to the Vidame, and found that worthy gentleman in the act of slipping on his flowered dressing-gown, thinking the while of his fair cousin's happiness.
Montriveau gave him one of the terrific glances that produced the effect of an electric shock on men and women alike.
”Is it possible that you have lent yourself to some cruel hoax, monsieur?” Montriveau exclaimed. ”I have just come from Mme de Langeais'
house; the servants say that she is out.”
”Then a great misfortune has happened, no doubt,” returned the Vidame, ”and through your fault. I left the d.u.c.h.ess at your door----”
”When?”
”At a quarter to eight.”
”Good evening,” returned Montriveau, and he hurried home to ask the porter whether he had seen a lady standing on the doorstep that evening.
”Yes, my Lord Marquis, a handsome woman, who seemed very much put out.
She was crying like a Magdalen, but she never made a sound, and stood as upright as a post. Then at last she went, and my wife and I that were watching her while she could not see us, heard her say, 'Oh, G.o.d!' so that it went to our hearts, asking your pardon, to hear her say it.”
Montriveau, in spite of all his firmness, turned pale at those few words. He wrote a few lines to Ronquerolles, sent off the message at once, and went up to his rooms. Ronquerolles came just about midnight.
Armand gave him the d.u.c.h.ess's letter to read.
”Well?” asked Ronquerolles.