Part 8 (1/2)

The love-lorn visitor had no wives, a fact known to the reader already, and when he does acc.u.mulate a help-meet, he sincerely trusts she may not be so unruly as to require the interference of outsiders to preserve harmony in the family. He expressed himself to that effect, and added that his business was to find out about the well-being of some friends in Minnesota, and to ascertain particulars about some other trifles necessary to his peace of mind.

Hereupon Mr. Hayes, with a growl like a sulky rhinoceros, opened the door which cut off the pot-and-kettle Babel of the other room, and commanded his wife to come, and that estimable lady, who is evidently in a state of excellent subordination, instantly writhed herself into the room. She sat down in an armchair, and began to evolve a most remarkable series of inane smiles, each one of which began somewhere down her throat, rose to her mouth by jerks, and finally faded away at the top of her head and the tips of her ears. It was a purely spasmodic thing of disagreeable habit, without a particle of geniality or feeling about it.

While this curious process was going on, the Doctor had drawn down the window-shades, thus darkening the room, and now approached for the purpose of unhooking from its earthly tabernacle the soul that was to step up to Minnesota and bring back word to his customer ”how all the folks got along.” This he accomplished by a few mysterious mesmeric pa.s.ses, and when the trance was induced, and the spirit had, so to speak, tucked its breeches into its boots ready for the muddy journey, he placed in the hand of Johannes that of the corpus which still remained in the armchair, and said to the disembodied spirit:

”Now, I want you to go with this gentleman to Brooklyn and take a fair start from there, and then go where he tells you to, and tell him what things there is there that you see.”

Having delivered this injunction in a tone so indescribably savage that he had better a thousand times have struck her in the face, this amiable animal retired to the Babel, taking with him the fried-onion atmosphere.

Then the woman in the chair began to speak, in a style the most disagreeable and affected that anybody ever listened to. It was more like that sickening gibberish that nurses call ”_baby-talk_,”

than anything else in the world. She spoke with a detestable whine, and p.r.o.nounced each syllable of every word separately, as if she feared a two-syllable word might choke her. Sick at the stomach as was her visitor at the whole babyish performance, he so far controlled his qualms as to note down the words hereunder written.

Whoever has heard this woman in a professional way can testify to the verbatim truth of this sketch.

”There is wa-ter that we must cross, we must go in a boat musn't we? Now we're in the boat, and O I see so many put-ty things, men, and dogs, and s.h.i.+ps and things going up and down; such beau-ti-ful things I have never seened before. Now we are a-cross the riv-er, and now we must get on the car, musn't we? What car must we get on? O I see it now, the yellow car. Now we are going a-long and I can see-O what a pret-ty dress in that store. O what real nice can-dy that is. I wish I had some don't you? Now we're at the house. Is it the one on the cor-ner, or the next one to it, or is it the brick house with the green blinds? No, the wood one with green blinds; so it is, but I didn't be here be-fore ev-er in my life. Now we will go in-to the house; I see a car-pet there and some chairs and some-O what a pret-ty pic-ture, and what a nice fire. I see a la-dy of ver-y pret-ty ap-pear-ance.

She is a young la-dy; she has got blue eyes, she is stand-ing sideways so I can't see noth-ing of her but one side of her face.

There is al-so an el-der-ly la-dy, but I can't see much of her.

They appear to be go-ing on a jour-ney, shall I go with them?

Yes, well I will. Now we are on the wa-ter and-O what a pret-ty boat-now we are get-ting off of the boat-I didn't nev-er be here be-fore. Now we are on a rail-road, I nev-er seened this rail-road be-fore but-O what a pret-ty ba-by. Now we go along, along, along, along, and now we are at the de-pot. I didn't ev-er be here ei-ther-there is a riv-er here, and a mill and a-O what a pret-ty cow-somebody is go-ing to milk the cow. There is a town here-it seems as if I did be here before-yes I am sure-O what a pret-ty lit-tle car-riage, and what a pret-ty dog. Yes I am sure I seened this town be-fore, but these rail-roads didn't be here then.”

By this time the travellers were supposed to have reached St.

Paul, and the reliable clairvoyant then proceeded to describe that interesting young city; and in the course of her speech made more improvements there than will be accomplished in reality in less than a year or two certainly.

Among other things, Mrs. Hayes described as at present existing in St. Paul, two Colleges, a City Hall built of white marble, a locomotive factory, and a place where they were building seven ocean steamers.

She then, when she arrived at the house, in the course of her mesmeric journey, where the people concerning whom Johannes had inquired were supposed to be at that present domiciled, proceeded to give descriptions of those whom she saw there, of the looks of the country and of the house.

And _such_ descriptions, as much like the truth as a ton of ”T”

rail is like a boiled custard.

By asking leading questions the seeker after clairvoyant knowledge got some very original information. He only began this course after he found that she, if left to herself, could describe nothing, and could utter no speech more coherent or sensible than that already set down as coming from her ill.u.s.trious lips.

In fact, the policy of the clairvoyant-witch in every case, is to wait for leading questions from the anxious inquirer, so that the answers may be framed to suit the exigencies of the case.

Johannes was not slow to perceive this, and by way of testing the science, or rather, art of clairvoyance, he put a series of questions which established the following interesting facts, all of which were positively averred to be true by Mrs. Hayes, ”that superior and wonderful clairvoyant.”

Minnesota Territory is a small town situated 911 miles south-east of the mouth of the Mississippi River-its officers are a chief cook and 23 high privates, besides the younger brother of Shakspeare, who is the Mayor of the Territory, and whose princ.i.p.al business it is to keep the American flag at half-mast, upside down.

When this last important information had been elicited, Johannes, who thought he had got the worth of his money, recalled Dr.

Hayes, who reappeared, surrounded by the same old atmosphere of the same old onions; to him the customer resigned the hand of the twaddling adult baby who had held his hand for an hour and a half, paid his dollar, and then prepared to depart.

The soul of the woman then returned from its long journey, and was locked up in its squirmy body by the Doctor, ready to serve future customers at one dollar a head.