Part 4 (1/2)
This is not a question of what ”society” admits; it is a personal question between one man and one woman. It _is_ a partners.h.i.+p, whether society so admits or not. And the failure of one of the partners to live up to the expressed or implied agreement does not justify the other party in the misdoing of her part _as long as they live together_. Does one theft or murder justify another? No! Neither does a neglectful husband justify a scolding or spiteful wife, nor _vice versa._
Two people marry _first_, for the happiness of love; and second, for home privileges. No matter whether love flees or not, _as long as they keep up_ the home-privileges partners.h.i.+p it should be done in the spirit of harmony. Remember, it takes _two_ to destroy harmony and _either one can restore it_. If marriage is not a love contract let it at least be a harmonious business contract. If you can't, or won't, _adjust yourself_ to your husband, then leave him. Don't stay and half-do your part of the business and cultivate hate and contempt. It's h.e.l.l. _Get out_.
I have known several couples who lived years in comparative happiness after love had flown; who were kind to each other, considerate, business-like. The wives made pleasant homes and the husbands came and went at will. In their spare time the wives developed their personal interests and ”lived their own lives,” as critic number two advises.
When the husbands took cranky streaks the wives simply made light of it to themselves, and forgot it as soon as possible. They lived on as comfortable terms as if the wives were simply _first-cla.s.s_ hired house-keepers; little crankisms were all in the bargain. Eventually every one of these couples separated, and nearly all the parties are now _happily_ married. _And every_ _couple parted amicably_; each being _satisfied_ to terminate the old partners.h.i.+p.
To me a divorce is not a disgrace, but a family row _is_. And I suspect that most divorce _rows_ are worked up to _drown guilty consciences_.
Neither has done his best by the other, and he knows it; so he raises a great row to fix attention on the other's shortcomings that his own may escape observation.
Until a man and woman have succeeded in living up to their home privileges in a manner befitting honest and intelligent man and woman, _they can't be sure that they are not fitted for a real loving union_.
Friction over small things obscures vision and judgment, and hate hides the lovableness that _must_ lie in every being. Get rid of the rowing over little things of every day life, and you will be able to love as much as your marriage will permit; _and you will be free to dissolve the entire partners.h.i.+p if you desire_.
Did I _really_ change anything? _Yes_. Is it ”anything” to bring peace and quiet pleasure and comfort and appreciation where their opposites were wont to hold baccha.n.a.le? _Yes_.
No woman who _honestly_ tries the course I have endeavored to outline will ever doubt that she really accomplishes _something_; neither will she regret.
Here is a word every married woman will do well to heed as long as she lives with her husband: _If you can't have your way without a fuss, then try his with a good will_.
Peace be unto you; peace, which is the foundation for _all you desire_.
CHAPTER VII.
SOME HINTS AND A KICK.
”And now, Elizabeth, let me suggest something. Punch up the _men_ a little in the matter of cultivating cleanly habits, etc. Women are preached to eternally on these matters and the men wholly neglected. It would be a 'new thought' to take to the men a little and might a.s.sist in making more of them fit companions for the sweet and cleanly women they delight in a.s.sociating with. The absolute neglect of the masculine s.e.x by writers on these subjects causes them to think that nothing in the way of the aesthetic is expected of them. It is a wrong to the men not to en-me and make me his chum as well as his wife. Help courage them to aspire to a common plane with woman in the matters of purity and cleanliness. Cleanliness is next to G.o.dliness, but no more so in the case of woman than of man. It is time for equality to be recognized in this matter as in all others.” Carrie.
It is funny how many women squirm when reminded that it is they who set the pace in the home! We are always longing for power and a field of effort, and then when a 20th century prophetess arises and tells us we _are_ all but almighty, and shows us how to direct our almightiness to accomplish results, we--well, we squirm. One would think some of us are a little bit ashamed of the pace we have been setting, of the things we have been accomplis.h.i.+ng with our almightiness! You know, our first impulse when we see an error in our own selves is to sound the trumpet and charge upon the error in the other fellow. Is this why Carrie wants the men scolded?
Well, _don't_ they get scolded? What are their wives and daughters and sweethearts for but to scold 'em or coax 'em into cleaner ways of living? No use to talk to men as a cla.s.s, about anything but politics.
Don't you know that Adam couldn't even taste an apple until Eve coaxed him? Adam is a great theorizer; he will gaze at an apple and tell you that he ought not to eat it, and _why_ not; he will even amble long and wishfully about that apple; but it takes _Eve_ to wake in him the _living impulse_ to take it. Just so with matters of personal neatness.
He knows--oh, yes, knowing is his long suit!--he knows he ”ought” to be neat; and he thinks he wants to be; but unless Eve and the serpent come along he hasn't the _living impulse_.
And Eve must not lose sight of the serpent, however far away the dove may fly. Eve must use wisdom and tact, as well as example; if she would have Adam accept her standard of cleanliness she must see to it that her example is _beautifully_ clean instead of _painfully_ so. There are men who are careless about their persons simply as a matter of relief from the painful cleanness of their surroundings.
Then there are Adams who are careless for lack of interest in pleasing Eve. In these cases you will find that Eve has little or no interest in pleasing Adam; or that she overdoes the matter of trying to please, and frequently dissolves in tears and precipitates countless reproaches upon luckless Adam.
Then there are Adams who are careless from petty spite--with shame I say it. And with greater shame I say, you will find their Eves are spiteful, too; probably more spiteful than the Adams; for Eve, you know, is generally smart enough and ambitious enough to outdo Adam in any line of endeavor--especially in the use or misuse of the tongue.
In matters of niceness it is Eve who sets the pace. Adam is built for strength; Eve for beauty and adornment. It is _natural_ for Eve to set the pace and for Adam to follow, in all matters of detail and niceness.
Whether Adam follows with good grace or ill depends upon Eve and the serpent. If Eve is wise as the serpent in her, and harmless as the dove in her, she can lead Adam a _willing_ captive to heaven or h.e.l.l.
Now will you rise again and--squirm--because I attribute to Eve all power over Adam? Will you say I excuse Adam's transgressions and come down hard on Eve? I suppose so. But the very fact that you resent the imputation is proof that in your heart of hearts you know I have hit _very close_ to the mark. When an arrow flies wide we are merely amused at the poor marksmans.h.i.+p; but the closer the arrow strikes to the center the more excited we grow--either with resentment or admiration, according to our sympathies.
In matters of cleanliness, niceness and adornment Eve sets the pace; and if her pace is a graceful one and _not too fast_ Adam follows. In due time he _acquires the habit_ of doing the little ablutions and adornings Eve has taught him.
If your Adam is _very_ careless about these matters you may depend upon it that when he was growing up his mother was either dead or careless or tactless; and you may safely suspect that Adam in his previous state of existence was a forlorn old bach. So be gentle with him, for it will take time to correct the faults of such an Adam.