Part 4 (2/2)

Commercials for Lucky Charms star a leprechaun who replaced the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow with a bowl of marshmallow-laden cereal, a narrative device that slightly overstated the value of the actual product. The Cookie Crisp2 mascot was a masked rapscallion named ”Crook,” whose whole self-ident.i.ty was built on stealing cereal. In ads for both Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles, Barney Rubble went to ridiculous lengths in the hope of shoplifting Fred Flintstone's breakfast, occasionally dressing like a woman and/or rapping like Ghostface Killah. Time and time again, commercials for cereal a.s.sault children with the same theme: A product's exclusivity is directly proportional to its social cachet, which is the definition of calculated adult coolness. mascot was a masked rapscallion named ”Crook,” whose whole self-ident.i.ty was built on stealing cereal. In ads for both Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles, Barney Rubble went to ridiculous lengths in the hope of shoplifting Fred Flintstone's breakfast, occasionally dressing like a woman and/or rapping like Ghostface Killah. Time and time again, commercials for cereal a.s.sault children with the same theme: A product's exclusivity is directly proportional to its social cachet, which is the definition of calculated adult coolness.

When I say calculated adult coolness, calculated adult coolness, I'm referring to the kind of coolness that generally applies to people between the ages of nineteen and thirty-six. This is different than I'm referring to the kind of coolness that generally applies to people between the ages of nineteen and thirty-six. This is different than mainstream teen coolness mainstream teen coolness and and aging hipster default coolness, aging hipster default coolness, both of which reflect an opposing (and sort of pathetic) consumer aesthetic. Cereal ads are directed at kids, but they barely work on young people; the kind of advertising that works on a teenager are bandwagon spots for things like Trident and khaki Gap pants. Those ads imply that these are products everybody else already owns. Teenagers claim they want to be cool, but they mostly just want to avoid being uncool. It's the same for aging hipsters, an equally terrified cla.s.s of Americans who slowly conclude that the key to staying relevant is by exhibiting default appreciation for the most obvious youth culture ent.i.ties; this is why you often hear forty-seven-year-old men with ponytails saying things like, ”Oh, I'm totally into the new stuff. That new Nickelback record is just terrific.” Aging hipsters and corduroy-clad high school soph.o.m.ores are both primarily concerned with dodging lameness. However, there is a stretch in everyone's early adulthood where they can choose (or choose against) creating their own personalized version of nonpopulist cool, which may (or may not) succeed. This is accomplished by embracing semioriginal, semielitist cultural artifacts that remain just out of reach to those who desire them-the so-called ”Cocoa Puffs of Power.” both of which reflect an opposing (and sort of pathetic) consumer aesthetic. Cereal ads are directed at kids, but they barely work on young people; the kind of advertising that works on a teenager are bandwagon spots for things like Trident and khaki Gap pants. Those ads imply that these are products everybody else already owns. Teenagers claim they want to be cool, but they mostly just want to avoid being uncool. It's the same for aging hipsters, an equally terrified cla.s.s of Americans who slowly conclude that the key to staying relevant is by exhibiting default appreciation for the most obvious youth culture ent.i.ties; this is why you often hear forty-seven-year-old men with ponytails saying things like, ”Oh, I'm totally into the new stuff. That new Nickelback record is just terrific.” Aging hipsters and corduroy-clad high school soph.o.m.ores are both primarily concerned with dodging lameness. However, there is a stretch in everyone's early adulthood where they can choose (or choose against) creating their own personalized version of nonpopulist cool, which may (or may not) succeed. This is accomplished by embracing semioriginal, semielitist cultural artifacts that remain just out of reach to those who desire them-the so-called ”Cocoa Puffs of Power.”

We all relate to Sonny the Cuckoo Bird. We pursue that which retreats from us, and coolness is always a bear market. Coolness is always what others seem to have naturally-an unspecific, delicious, chocolately paradigm we must pilfer through subterfuge. It drives us, for lack of a better term, coo coo. And part of the reason we struggle is because there is no hard-and-fast clarity about what qualifies anything as cool cool. It needs to be original, but only semioriginal: It would be legitimately inventive (and kind of ”out there”) to casually walk around with the petrified skull of a orangutan under your arm for no obvious reason, but this would only seem cool to a select cla.s.s of performance artist. A better choice would be a T-s.h.i.+rt featuring the cast of After M*A*S*H After M*A*S*H. A cool image also needs to be semielitist, but it can't be wholly wholly elitist: What you display should be extremely hard to find, yet could have been elitist: What you display should be extremely hard to find, yet could have been theoretically theoretically found by absolutely found by absolutely anyone anyone six months ago (had they possessed the foresight). This is why calculated adult coolness would reward the possession of, say, a can of Elf soda pop, yet frown upon the possession of, say, four ounces of weapons-grade uranium. six months ago (had they possessed the foresight). This is why calculated adult coolness would reward the possession of, say, a can of Elf soda pop, yet frown upon the possession of, say, four ounces of weapons-grade uranium.3 The impact of this understanding comes later in life, usually at college, and usually around the point when being ”weird” starts to be periodically interpreted by others as ”charming” and/or ”s.e.xually intriguing.” As noted earlier, kids don't really understand the nuance of cereal advertising until they reach their twenties; this is when characters like the Trix Rabbit evolve into understated Christ figures. And though the plot is not purposeful on the behalf of cereal makers, it's also not accidental. Cereal mascots are generally a.s.sociated with sugared cereals-while a box of Wheaties might feature anyone from Bruce Jenner to Mich.e.l.le Kwan, Count Chocula sticks with its mischievous vampire. Super Golden Crisp sells itself with the portrait of a laid-back bear wearing a mock turtleneck; Grape Nuts sells itself with a photograph of Grape Nuts. And this is more proof of cereal's overlooked relations.h.i.+p to American cool: Being cool is mostly ridiculous, and so is sugared cereal. That's why we like it.

I eat sugared cereal almost exclusively. This is because I'm the opposite of a ”no-nonsense” guy. I'm an ”all-nonsense” guy. Every time I drive a long distance, I'm hounded by the fear that I will get a flat tire and be unable to change it. When a b.u.t.ton falls off one of my dress s.h.i.+rts, I immediately throw away the entire garment and buy a new one. I can't swim; to me, twelve feet of water is no different than twelve feet of hydrochloric acid (it will kill me just as dead). However, I can can stay awake for seventy-two straight hours. I stay awake for seventy-two straight hours. I can can immediately memorize phone numbers without writing them down. When flipping channels during commercial breaks in televised sporting events, I immediately memorize phone numbers without writing them down. When flipping channels during commercial breaks in televised sporting events, I can can innately sense the perfect moment to return to what I was watching originally. So the rub is that I have these semicritical flaws and I have these weirdly specific gifts, and it seems like most Americans are similarly polarized by what they can (and cannot) do. There are no-nonsense people, and there are nonsense people. And it's been my experience that nonsense people tend to consume Cocoa Krispies and Lucky Charms and Cap'n Crunch ( ”nonsense food,” if you will). Consequently, we nonsense types spend hours and hours staring at cardboard creatures like the Trix Rabbit and absorbing his ethos, slowly ingesting the principles of exclusionary coolness while rapidly ingesting sugar-saturated spoonfuls of Vitamin B-12. innately sense the perfect moment to return to what I was watching originally. So the rub is that I have these semicritical flaws and I have these weirdly specific gifts, and it seems like most Americans are similarly polarized by what they can (and cannot) do. There are no-nonsense people, and there are nonsense people. And it's been my experience that nonsense people tend to consume Cocoa Krispies and Lucky Charms and Cap'n Crunch ( ”nonsense food,” if you will). Consequently, we nonsense types spend hours and hours staring at cardboard creatures like the Trix Rabbit and absorbing his ethos, slowly ingesting the principles of exclusionary coolness while rapidly ingesting sugar-saturated spoonfuls of Vitamin B-12.

The desire to be cool is-ultimately-the desire to be rescued. It's the desire to be pulled from the unwashed ma.s.ses of society. It's the desire to be advanced beyond the faceless humanoid robots who will die unheralded deaths and never truly matter, mostly because they all lived the same pedestrian life. Without the spoils of exclusionary coolness, we're just cogs in the struggle. We're like a little kid trying to kayak (or perhaps freestyle rock climb), and all the older kids keep mocking our efforts, openly implying that we cannot compete. But if we can just find that one cool thing that n.o.body else has-that gregarious, nine-foot animated jungle cat who can provide a glimmer of hope and a balanced breakfast-we can be better than ourselves. We can be tigers We can be tigers. 'Atta boy.

1. Proof that America is ultimately a sympathetic nation surfaced in 1976, when a consumer election sponsored by General Mills indicated that over 99 percent of Trix eaters felt the flamboyant six-foot rabbit deserved a bowl of Trix, which places his approval rating on par with Colin Powell in 1996.

2. This is not to be confused with the short-lived Oatmeal Cookie Crisp, a cereal fronted by the good-natured wizard ”Cookie Jarvis.”

3. Although this would make you very cool in Syria.

The three questions I ask everybody I meet in order to decide if I can love them:

1. Let us a.s.sume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us a.s.sume he can do five simple tricks-he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through s.p.a.ce. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein? Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

2. Let us a.s.sume that a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us a.s.sume that-for some reason-every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this? Would you attempt to do this?

3. Let us a.s.sume that there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical. Which option do you select? Which option do you select?

11 Being Zack Morris 1:27 Sometimes I'm a bad guy, but I still do good things. Ironically, those good things are often a direct extension of my badness. And this makes me even worse, because it means my sinister nature is making people unknowingly smile.

Here's one example: I was once dating a girl in a major American city, and I was also kind of pursuing another girl in another major American city. I had just received one of those nifty ”CD burners” for my computer, so I started making compilation alb.u.ms for friends and particularly for lady friends. Like most uncreative intellectual men, almost all of my previous relations.h.i.+ps had been based on my ability to make incredibly moving mix ca.s.settes; though I cannot prove it, I would estimate that magnetic audiotape directly influenced 66 percent of my career s.e.xual encounters. However, the explosion of CD burning technology has forced people like me to create CDs instead of ca.s.settes, which is somewhat disheartening. The great thing about mix tapes was that you could antic.i.p.ate the listener would have to listen to the entire thing at least once (and you could guarantee this by not giving them a track listing). Sequencing was very important. The strategy was to place specific ”message” songs in-between semimeaningless ”rocking” songs; this would transfix, compliment, and confuse the listener, which was always sort of the goal. However, once people starting making their own CDs, the mix tape suddenly seemed cheap and archaic. I had no choice but to start making CDs, even though they're not as effective: People tend to be more impressed by the packaging of the jewel case than the songs themselves, and they end up experiencing the music no differently than if they had thoughtlessly purchased the disc at Best Buy (i.e., they skip from track to track without really studying the larger concept behind the artistic whole).

ANYWAY, I was making a mix disc for one of these women (I will never admit which), and it was my intention to find eighteen songs that reflected key elements of our relations.h.i.+p, which I thought I did. But as I looked at the track selection, it suddenly dawned on me that these songs were just as applicable to my other other relations.h.i.+p. My feelings for ”Woman A” were completely different than my feelings for ”Woman B,” but the musical messages would make emotional sense to both, despite the fact that these two women were wildly dissimilar. So I ended up making two copies of this alb.u.m and sending one to each woman, using all the same songs and identical cover art (computers make this entirely too easy). I expressed identical romantic overtures to two different people with one singular movement. And they both received their discs on the same day, and they both loved them. relations.h.i.+p. My feelings for ”Woman A” were completely different than my feelings for ”Woman B,” but the musical messages would make emotional sense to both, despite the fact that these two women were wildly dissimilar. So I ended up making two copies of this alb.u.m and sending one to each woman, using all the same songs and identical cover art (computers make this entirely too easy). I expressed identical romantic overtures to two different people with one singular movement. And they both received their discs on the same day, and they both loved them.1 Part of me will always know this was a diabolical thing to do. However, I'm mostly struck by the fact that all my deepest, most sincere feelings are so totally stereotypical that they pretty much apply to every girl I find even vaguely attractive. My feelings toward every woman I've ever loved can be completely explained by Paul McCartney's ”Maybe I'm Amazed,” Rod Stewart's ”You're in My Heart,” and either Matthew Sweet's ”Girlfriend” or Liz Phair's ”Divorce Song” (depending on how long we've known each other). My feelings about politics and literature and mathematics and the rest of life's minutiae can only be described through a labyrinthine of six-sided questions, but everything that actually matters can be explained by Lindsey f.u.c.king Buckingham and Stevie f.u.c.king Nicks in four f.u.c.king minutes. Important things are inevitably cliche, but n.o.body wants to admit that. And that's why n.o.body is deconstructing Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell.

Saved by the Bell is like this little generational secret that's hyperfamiliar to people born between 1970 and 1977, yet generally unremarkable to anyone born after (and completely alien to all those born before). It was an NBC sitcom that ran for four years (1989 to 1993) after an initial thirteen-episode season on the Disney Channel (where it was originally t.i.tled is like this little generational secret that's hyperfamiliar to people born between 1970 and 1977, yet generally unremarkable to anyone born after (and completely alien to all those born before). It was an NBC sitcom that ran for four years (1989 to 1993) after an initial thirteen-episode season on the Disney Channel (where it was originally t.i.tled Good Morning, Miss Bliss Good Morning, Miss Bliss). The show sp.a.w.ned two spin-offs-Saved by the Bell: The College Years and and Saved by the Bell: The New Cla.s.s Saved by the Bell: The New Cla.s.s-and also included a six-episode summer run (usually referred to as the ”Malibu Sands” miniseason) and two made-for-TV movies (one set in Hawaii, the other in Las Vegas).

It was a program about high school kids.

I realize that is not much expository information. Typically, one tries to explain TV shows in terms of ”context”-if someone asked me to describe The X-Files, The X-Files, for example, I would seem like a moron if I said, ”It was a program about two people who mostly looked for aliens.” That would never qualify as a significant description. I would have to write about how the supernatural religiosity of for example, I would seem like a moron if I said, ”It was a program about two people who mostly looked for aliens.” That would never qualify as a significant description. I would have to write about how the supernatural religiosity of The X-Files The X-Files personified a philosophical extension of its audience, and how the characters represented two distinct perspectives on modern reality, and how the s.e.xual chemistry between Mulder and Scully was electrified by their lack of physical intimacy. All this abstract deconstruction is necessary, and it's necessary because personified a philosophical extension of its audience, and how the characters represented two distinct perspectives on modern reality, and how the s.e.xual chemistry between Mulder and Scully was electrified by their lack of physical intimacy. All this abstract deconstruction is necessary, and it's necessary because The X-Files The X-Files was artful. However, I have never watched even one episode of was artful. However, I have never watched even one episode of The X-Files, The X-Files, because I'm not interested. I'm not interested in trying to understand culture by understanding that particular show, and that's part of the social contract with appreciating because I'm not interested. I'm not interested in trying to understand culture by understanding that particular show, and that's part of the social contract with appreciating anything anything artful. You can't place something into its aforementioned ”context” unless you know where (and how) to culturally file it, and I honestly don't care where artful. You can't place something into its aforementioned ”context” unless you know where (and how) to culturally file it, and I honestly don't care where The X-Files The X-Files belongs in the American zeitgeist. Dozens of smart people told me how great this show was, and I'm sure they were right. But I'm satisfied with a.s.suming that program was about two people who mostly looked for aliens, so-as a consequence-the show meant nothing to me. I ”don't get it.” belongs in the American zeitgeist. Dozens of smart people told me how great this show was, and I'm sure they were right. But I'm satisfied with a.s.suming that program was about two people who mostly looked for aliens, so-as a consequence-the show meant nothing to me. I ”don't get it.”

That's not the case with Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell. Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell wasn't artful at all. Now, that doesn't mean it's bad (nor does it mean it's good). What it means is that you don't need to place wasn't artful at all. Now, that doesn't mean it's bad (nor does it mean it's good). What it means is that you don't need to place Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell into any context to experience it. I didn't care about into any context to experience it. I didn't care about Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell any more than I cared about any more than I cared about The X-Files, The X-Files, but the difference is that I could watch but the difference is that I could watch Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell without caring and still have it become a minor part of my life, which is the most transcendent thing any kind of art can accomplish (regardless of its technical merits). without caring and still have it become a minor part of my life, which is the most transcendent thing any kind of art can accomplish (regardless of its technical merits).

When I first saw Saved by the Bell, Saved by the Bell, I was a senior in high school. It was on Sat.u.r.day mornings, usually right when I woke up (which I think was either 11:00 or 11:30 I was a senior in high school. It was on Sat.u.r.day mornings, usually right when I woke up (which I think was either 11:00 or 11:30 A A.M.). It was supposedly the first live-action show NBC ever broadcast on a Sat.u.r.day morning, an idiom that had previously been reserved for animation. I would watch Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell the same way all high school kids watch morning television, which is to say I stared at it with the same thoughtless intensity I displayed when watching the dryer. I watched it the same way all high school kids watch morning television, which is to say I stared at it with the same thoughtless intensity I displayed when watching the dryer. I watched it because it was on TV, because it was on TV, which is generally the driving force behind why most people watch any program. However, I became a more serious which is generally the driving force behind why most people watch any program. However, I became a more serious Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell student when I got to college. I suspect this kind of awakening was not uncommon, as universities always sp.a.w.n little cultures of terrible TV appreciation: When I was a soph.o.m.ore, the only non-MTV shows anyone seemed to watch were student when I got to college. I suspect this kind of awakening was not uncommon, as universities always sp.a.w.n little cultures of terrible TV appreciation: When I was a soph.o.m.ore, the only non-MTV shows anyone seemed to watch were Saved by the Bell, Life Goes On Saved by the Bell, Life Goes On (that was the show about the r.e.t.a.r.ded kid), (that was the show about the r.e.t.a.r.ded kid), Quantum Leap, Quantum Leap, the Canadian teen drama the Canadian teen drama Fifteen, Fifteen, and and Days of Our Lives Days of Our Lives. And what was interesting was that everybody seemed to watch them together, in the same room (or over the telephone), and with a cultic intensity. We liked the ”process” of watching these shows. The idea of these programs being entertaining never seemed central to anything, which remains the most fascinating aspect of all televised art: consumers don't demand it to be good. It just needs to be watchable. And the reason that designation can be applied to Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell has a lot to do with the fundamental truth of its staggering unreality. has a lot to do with the fundamental truth of its staggering unreality.

Saved by the Bell followed the lives of six kids at a California high school called Bayside. Architecturally, the school was comprised of one multipurpose cla.s.sroom, one square hallway, a very small locker room, and a diner owned by a magician. The six primary characters were as follows: followed the lives of six kids at a California high school called Bayside. Architecturally, the school was comprised of one multipurpose cla.s.sroom, one square hallway, a very small locker room, and a diner owned by a magician. The six primary characters were as follows:

Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar): Good-looking blond kid with the ability to talk directly to the camera like Ferris Bueller; possessed a cell phone years before that was common; something of an Eddie Haskell/James Spader type, but with a heart of gold. Good-looking blond kid with the ability to talk directly to the camera like Ferris Bueller; possessed a cell phone years before that was common; something of an Eddie Haskell/James Spader type, but with a heart of gold.Samuel ”Screech” Powers (Dustin Diamond):uber geeky Zack sycophant. geeky Zack sycophant.Albert Clifford ”A.C.” Slater (Mario Lopez): Good-looking ethnic fellow; star wrestler; nemesis of Zackexcept in episodes where they're inexplicably best friends. Good-looking ethnic fellow; star wrestler; nemesis of Zackexcept in episodes where they're inexplicably best friends.Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen): s.e.xy girl next door; love interest of Zack. s.e.xy girl next door; love interest of Zack.Jessica ”Jessie” Spano (Elizabeth Berkley): s.e.xy 4.00 over-achieving feminist; love interest of A.C. s.e.xy 4.00 over-achieving feminist; love interest of A.C.Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies): Wildly unlikable rich black girl; vain clotheshorse; unrequited love interest of Screech. Wildly unlikable rich black girl; vain clotheshorse; unrequited love interest of Screech.

Every other kid at Bayside was either a nerd, a jock, a randomly hot chick, or completely nondescript; it was sort of like Rydell High in Grease Grease. There were several noteworthy kids from the Good Morning, Miss Bliss Good Morning, Miss Bliss era who simply disappeared when the show moved to NBC (this is akin to what happened to people like Molly Ringwald and Julie Piekarski when era who simply disappeared when the show moved to NBC (this is akin to what happened to people like Molly Ringwald and Julie Piekarski when The Facts of Life The Facts of Life changed from an ensemble cast to it's signature Blair-Jo-Natalie-Tootie alignment). Tori Spelling portrayed Screech's girlfriend Violet in a few episodes, Leah Remini served as Zack's girlfriend during the six episodes set at the Malibu beach resort, an unbilled Denise Richards appeared in the final episode of the Malibu run, and a now-buxom Punky Brewster played a sn.o.b for one show in the final season. Weirdly, a leather-clad girl named Tori (Leanna Creel) became the main character for half of the last season when Thiessen and Berkley left the show, but then they both reappeared at graduation and Creel was never seen again (I'll address the so-called ”Tori Paradox” in a moment). changed from an ensemble cast to it's signature Blair-Jo-Natalie-Tootie alignment). Tori Spelling portrayed Screech's girlfriend Violet in a few episodes, Leah Remini served as Zack's girlfriend during the six episodes set at the Malibu beach resort, an unbilled Denise Richards appeared in the final episode of the Malibu run, and a now-buxom Punky Brewster played a sn.o.b for one show in the final season. Weirdly, a leather-clad girl named Tori (Leanna Creel) became the main character for half of the last season when Thiessen and Berkley left the show, but then they both reappeared at graduation and Creel was never seen again (I'll address the so-called ”Tori Paradox” in a moment).

But-beyond that-the writers of Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell always seemed to suggest that most adolescents are exactly the same and exist solely as props for the popular kids, which was probably true at most American high schools in the 1980s. always seemed to suggest that most adolescents are exactly the same and exist solely as props for the popular kids, which was probably true at most American high schools in the 1980s.2 The only other important personality in the Bayside universe is Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins), who is a princ.i.p.al of the John Hughes variety; there is no gla.s.s ceiling to his stupidity. However, Belding differs from the prototypical TV princ.i.p.al in that he tended to be completely transfixed by the school's most fas.h.i.+onable students; he really wanted Zack to like him, and Belding and Morris would often join forces on harebrained schemes. The only other important personality in the Bayside universe is Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins), who is a princ.i.p.al of the John Hughes variety; there is no gla.s.s ceiling to his stupidity. However, Belding differs from the prototypical TV princ.i.p.al in that he tended to be completely transfixed by the school's most fas.h.i.+onable students; he really wanted Zack to like him, and Belding and Morris would often join forces on harebrained schemes.

On the surface, Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell must undoubtedly seem like everything one would expect from a dreadful show directed at children, which is what it was. But that's not how it was consumed by its audience. There was a stunning recalibration of the cla.s.sic ”suspension of disbelief vs. aesthetic distance” relations.h.i.+p in must undoubtedly seem like everything one would expect from a dreadful show directed at children, which is what it was. But that's not how it was consumed by its audience. There was a stunning recalibration of the cla.s.sic ”suspension of disbelief vs. aesthetic distance” relations.h.i.+p in Saved by the Bell, Saved by the Bell, and it may have accidentally altered reality (at least for brief moments). and it may have accidentally altered reality (at least for brief moments).

Here's what I mean: In 1993, Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell was shown four times a day. If I recall correctly, two episodes were on the USA Network from 4:00 to 5:00 was shown four times a day. If I recall correctly, two episodes were on the USA Network from 4:00 to 5:00 P P.M. CST, and then two more were on TBS from 5:05 to 6:05. It's possible I have these backward, but the order doesn't matter; the bottom line is that I sometimes watched this show twenty times a week. So did my neighbor, a dude named (I think) Joel who (I think) was studying to become a pilot. Sometimes I would walk over to Joel's place and watch Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell with him, and he was the type of affable stoic who never spoke. He was one of those quiet guys who would offer you a beer when you walked into his apartment, and then he'd silently drink by himself, regardless of whether you joined him or not. Honestly, we never became friends. But we sort of had this mute, parasitic relations.h.i.+p through with him, and he was the type of affable stoic who never spoke. He was one of those quiet guys who would offer you a beer when you walked into his apartment, and then he'd silently drink by himself, regardless of whether you joined him or not. Honestly, we never became friends. But we sort of had this mute, parasitic relations.h.i.+p through Saved by the Bell, Saved by the Bell, and I will always remember the singular significant conversation we had: We were watching an episode where Belding was blackmailing Zack into dating his niece, and Joel suddenly got real incredulous and asked, ”Oh, come on. Who the f.u.c.k has that kind of relations.h.i.+p with their high school princ.i.p.al?” and I will always remember the singular significant conversation we had: We were watching an episode where Belding was blackmailing Zack into dating his niece, and Joel suddenly got real incredulous and asked, ”Oh, come on. Who the f.u.c.k has that kind of relations.h.i.+p with their high school princ.i.p.al?”

Of all the things that could have caused Joel to bristle, I remain fascinated by his oddly specific observation. I mean, Bayside High was a school where students made money by selling a ”Girls of Bayside” calendar, and it was a school where oil was discovered under the football team's goalposts. This is a show where Zack had the ability to call timeout and stop time stop time in order to narrate what was happening with the plot. There is never a single moment in the in order to narrate what was happening with the plot. There is never a single moment in the Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell series that reflects any kind of concrete authenticity. You'd think Zack's unconventional relations.h.i.+p with an authority figure would be the least of Joel's concerns. However, this was the only complaint he ever lodged against the series that reflects any kind of concrete authenticity. You'd think Zack's unconventional relations.h.i.+p with an authority figure would be the least of Joel's concerns. However, this was the only complaint he ever lodged against the Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell aesthetic, and that's very telling. aesthetic, and that's very telling.

Now, I realize there is some precedent for this kind of disconnect: Trekkies generally have no problem with the USS Enterprise Enterprise moving at seven times the speed of light, but they roll their eyes in disgust if Spock acts a little too jovial. Within any drama, we all concede certain unbelievable parameters, a.s.suming specific aspects of the story don't go outside the presupposed reality. But I think Joel's take on moving at seven times the speed of light, but they roll their eyes in disgust if Spock acts a little too jovial. Within any drama, we all concede certain unbelievable parameters, a.s.suming specific aspects of the story don't go outside the presupposed reality. But I think Joel's take on Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell is different than the usual contradiction. What it made me realize is that people like Joel (and like me, I suppose) were drawn to this unentertaining show because we felt like we knew what was going to happen next. Understanding is different than the usual contradiction. What it made me realize is that people like Joel (and like me, I suppose) were drawn to this unentertaining show because we felt like we knew what was going to happen next. Understanding Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell meant you understood what was supposed to define the ultrasimplistic, hyperstereotypical high school experience-and understanding that formula meant you realized what was (supposedly) important about growing up. It's like I said before: Important things are inevitably cliche. Zack's relations.h.i.+p with Belding-and his niece-was just too creative, and bad television is supposed to be rea.s.suring. n.o.body needs it to be interesting. meant you understood what was supposed to define the ultrasimplistic, hyperstereotypical high school experience-and understanding that formula meant you realized what was (supposedly) important about growing up. It's like I said before: Important things are inevitably cliche. Zack's relations.h.i.+p with Belding-and his niece-was just too creative, and bad television is supposed to be rea.s.suring. n.o.body needs it to be interesting.

Take a show like M*A*S*H, M*A*S*H, for instance. for instance. M*A*S*H M*A*S*H consciously aspired to be ”good television.” Its goal was to be intellectually provoking (particularly over its final four seasons), so almost every plot hinged on a twist: The North Korean POW was actually more ethical then the South Korean soldier, Colonel Potter's visiting war buddy was actually corrupt, a much-decorated sergeant was actually killing off his black platoon members on purpose, etc., etc., etc. The first ten minutes of every consciously aspired to be ”good television.” Its goal was to be intellectually provoking (particularly over its final four seasons), so almost every plot hinged on a twist: The North Korean POW was actually more ethical then the South Korean soldier, Colonel Potter's visiting war buddy was actually corrupt, a much-decorated sergeant was actually killing off his black platoon members on purpose, etc., etc., etc. The first ten minutes of every M*A*S*H M*A*S*H episode set strict conditions; the next twenty minutes would ill.u.s.trate how life is not always as it seems. episode set strict conditions; the next twenty minutes would ill.u.s.trate how life is not always as it seems.3 This-in theory-is clever, and it's supposed to teach us something we don't know. Meanwhile, This-in theory-is clever, and it's supposed to teach us something we don't know. Meanwhile, Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell did the opposite. The first ten minutes of every episode put a character (usually Zack) in a position where he or she was tempted to do something that was obviously wrong, and their friends would warn them that this was a mistake. Then they would do it anyway, learn a lesson, and admit that everyone was right all along. did the opposite. The first ten minutes of every episode put a character (usually Zack) in a position where he or she was tempted to do something that was obviously wrong, and their friends would warn them that this was a mistake. Then they would do it anyway, learn a lesson, and admit that everyone was right all along. Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell wasn't ironic in the contemporary sense (i.e., detached and sardonic), and it wasn't even ironic in the literal sense (the intentions and themes of the story never contradicted what they stated ostensibly). You never learned anything, and you weren't supposed to. wasn't ironic in the contemporary sense (i.e., detached and sardonic), and it wasn't even ironic in the literal sense (the intentions and themes of the story never contradicted what they stated ostensibly). You never learned anything, and you weren't supposed to.

Take the episode from the gang's senior year, where they went to a toga party hosted by a bloated jock nicknamed Ox. They all get drunk, but Zack claims to be able to drive Lisa's car home.4 Before they climb into the vehicle, they all note how this is dangerous, because Zack might wreck the car. And (of course) he does just that. Obviously, NBC would claim this was a ”message” episode, and it was supposed to show teenagers that alcohol and the highway are a deadly combination. But there's really no way anyone would Before they climb into the vehicle, they all note how this is dangerous, because Zack might wreck the car. And (of course) he does just that. Obviously, NBC would claim this was a ”message” episode, and it was supposed to show teenagers that alcohol and the highway are a deadly combination. But there's really no way anyone would learn learn anything from Zack's booze cruising. There's no kid in America who doesn't know that drinking and driving is dangerous, and there's no way that you could argue anything from Zack's booze cruising. There's no kid in America who doesn't know that drinking and driving is dangerous, and there's no way that you could argue Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell made this sentiment any more ”in your face” than when Stevie Wonder sang ”Don't Drive Drunk.” It served no educational purpose, and it served no artistic purpose. But what it did was reestablish everyone's moral reality. If made this sentiment any more ”in your face” than when Stevie Wonder sang ”Don't Drive Drunk.” It served no educational purpose, and it served no artistic purpose. But what it did was reestablish everyone's moral reality. If Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell was a cliched, uncreative teen sitcom (and I think we would all agree that it was), it needed to deliver the cliched, uncreative plot: If these kids drink and drive, they will have to have a bad accident-but no one will actually die, because we all deserve a second chance. As I watched that particular episode in college, I took satisfaction in knowing that American morality was still basically the same as it had been when I was thirteen years old. It proved I still understood how the mainstream, knee-jerk populace looked at life, even though my personal paradigm no longer fit those standards. was a cliched, uncreative teen sitcom (and I think we would all agree that it was), it needed to deliver the cliched, uncreative plot: If these kids drink and drive, they will have to have a bad accident-but no one will actually die, because we all deserve a second chance. As I watched that particular episode in college, I took satisfaction in knowing that American morality was still basically the same as it had been when I was thirteen years old. It proved I still understood how the mainstream, knee-jerk populace looked at life, even though my personal paradigm no longer fit those standards.

Saved by the Bell was well-suited for conventional moralizing, because none of the characters had multifaceted ethics (or even situational ethics). Every decision they made was generated by whatever the audience would expect them to do; it was almost like the people watching the show wrote the dialogue. This was damaging to the was well-suited for conventional moralizing, because none of the characters had multifaceted ethics (or even situational ethics). Every decision they made was generated by whatever the audience would expect them to do; it was almost like the people watching the show wrote the dialogue. This was damaging to the Saved by the Bell Saved by the Bell actors, all of whom went to ridiculous lengths to avoid being typecast as their TV ident.i.ties once the show ended. Berkley was the most adamant about her reinvention, taking the lead role in the soft-p.o.r.n box-office failure actors, all of whom went to ridiculous lengths to avoid being typecast as their TV ident.i.ties once the show ended. Berkley was the most adamant about her reinvention, taking the lead role in the soft-p.o.r.n box-office failure Showgirls, Showgirls, which even her costars couldn't fathom. ”I wouldn't see why you'd want to go so far afield to change your image that you'd take a role so demanding or drastic as that,” said a remarkably candid Screech in an 2002 interview with which even her costars couldn't fathom. ”I wouldn't see why you'd want to go so far afield to change your image that you'd take a role so demanding or drastic as that,” said a remarkably candid Screech in an 2002 interview with The Onion A.V. Club The Onion A.V. Club. ”It pretty much was just the exploitation of a Sat.u.r.day-morning icon, I feel. I don't think that the movie had any more substance than, 'Hey, we should go check it out to see the girl from Saved by the

<script>