Part 16 (1/2)

'Weren't you happy in your marriage, then?' asked Iris, not in the least put off by Jean's tone.

'It wasn't that,' said Jean, pulling herself up in her seat. 'I was happy in my marriage. I just wasn't happy in myself. Maybe if I met Mike for the first time now, or in a year's time, I'd fall in love with him and we'd get married and it would last for ever. But that's not going to happen. I'm a different person, and mainly he's a different person. It's much more a case of he shouldn't have married me than I shouldn't have married him. I should have married some guy who was already married to his job and played golf and did scuba-diving and went on business trips and did every f.u.c.king thing he could to get away from me. That would have been perfect. Or I should never have married at all. But Mike really wanted a marriage. He wanted it to be like it should be. He wanted sharing and equality and romance and evenings in by the fire and evenings out in nice restaurants, and I just wanted, I just wanted... to... behave as if I wasn't married. I don't mean I wanted to go off with loads of men and I never cheated on Mike and I never cheated on Mike I wanted to be like the aborted student I was when I met him. If I'd never met him I would have messed around for years and maybe have met someone, maybe not. But even an eejit like me can recognize one of the good ones when you meet him. I don't know what the f.u.c.k he saw in me. I suppose there must have been something, but whatever it was it didn't last. He desperately tried to hide it, but he fell out of love with me... I don't know when exactly... but there was a long time when he was faking it.' I wanted to be like the aborted student I was when I met him. If I'd never met him I would have messed around for years and maybe have met someone, maybe not. But even an eejit like me can recognize one of the good ones when you meet him. I don't know what the f.u.c.k he saw in me. I suppose there must have been something, but whatever it was it didn't last. He desperately tried to hide it, but he fell out of love with me... I don't know when exactly... but there was a long time when he was faking it.'

'Do you resent him for that?' asked Iris.

'No. He faked it because he thought that was what I wanted. And it was. For a long time. And he would have continued to pretend, very expertly, that he still loved me for as long as I appeared to want him to. And I love him for that.'

n.o.body had expected so much talk out of Jean and now that she was done she sank back in her seat and appeared to fall asleep. Iris remained composed, as if it was normal for her to provoke such outbursts.

Only Lucy seemed somewhat uncomfortable. She turned to Marion rather urgently. 'But you have a great marriage, don't you, Marion, and it isn't like any of Jean's stupid categories.'

'Yes,' said Marion, 'but we work at it. We're lucky that we suit each other, but we still have to make allowances for our individuality.'

'But ye really, really love each other?'

'Yes, we do. And that probably is the bottom line. As long as you're not leading some insane lifestyle, you can get over most things if you truly love each other. Don't blame Jean she's right about one thing. She shouldn't have got married. She never liked sharing anything not her toys, not her room, not her sweets, not to mind her life. She's better at it now, but that's only because she's lived with such a selfless man for so long. Don't be worried. For ever can work.'

'I'm not worried. We're very stable.'

Iris, not disturbed by this either, took Lucy's hand in both of hers and squeezed gently. 'And, besides, we can't get married. Thank G.o.d. I'd never want to go through that rigmarole. If you love each other, you stay together. It's as simple as that.' Then she turned to me. 'You're getting married soon, I believe?'

'Yes,' I said, 'probably next summer. We're in the process of deciding on a date.'

'Are you excited?'

'I suppose I am,' I said, although it was an unusual question, 'but we got engaged ages ago and that's where the real excitement was. I'm sure it'll all heat up again once we're booking things.'

Suddenly it felt odd to be sitting with my sisters and one sister's girlfriend, talking about marriage. It surprised me to hear Jean talking about her marriage to Mike almost as if she hadn't been involved. I liked his idea of a marriage, though it was hopefully what I would have with Keith. Evenings in by the fire and evenings out in nice restaurants... I could see how it would go. And then I saw something else, something I really couldn't ignore any more...

Then there were some less pleasant things to think about. Like the rather uncomfortable trip with Keith to his family wedding. And the silly row we had about the roles of bridesmaids and best men. And then there was my last day at work, which had turned out to be one of my best days at work but it was followed by the realization that I was now unemployed and had no income and that I was going to be a student again, which I hadn't enjoyed very much the first time round. I still knew I was doing the right thing but I needed someone to remind me of it constantly or I'd fall into a deep afraid-of-change depression.

Oh, yes. There was also the fact that Keith had dumped me. I needed to think about that, too.

14.

Keith kept staring at the hat box and insisting it wouldn't fit in the car.

'Of course it will,' I said. 'It's just a little hat box.'

In fact it was a very large hat box, outsize almost, but there was still no reason why it wouldn't fit somewhere in his generously proportioned Ford Mondeo.

'Can't you take the hat out and leave the box behind?'

'No way! It would get crumpled it would get completely wrecked. And it's not even my hat, it's only hired.'

'You've hired a hat?'

'It's what everybody does for weddings. Hats are far too expensive for just one wear.'

I was getting quite annoyed with him; I had made a real effort with my outfit. I wanted his family to look at me and think, Wow! Keith's done well for himself. And it was was fabulous a long purple dress that hugged the body with a long deeper purple coat in the same fabric to drape over it. I had decided on the big hat, even though hats were on the wane. But that was merely fas.h.i.+on. I've always loved hats and there's nothing like a great big hat to make a great big statement. So I chose a large wide-brimmed one that picked up the colours of the dress and the coat and sent out an air of elegant mystique with every feather that dived from its crown. It was a f.u.c.king great hat and Keith was dismissing it as if it wasn't important. I wasn't having it. fabulous a long purple dress that hugged the body with a long deeper purple coat in the same fabric to drape over it. I had decided on the big hat, even though hats were on the wane. But that was merely fas.h.i.+on. I've always loved hats and there's nothing like a great big hat to make a great big statement. So I chose a large wide-brimmed one that picked up the colours of the dress and the coat and sent out an air of elegant mystique with every feather that dived from its crown. It was a f.u.c.king great hat and Keith was dismissing it as if it wasn't important. I wasn't having it.

'Look,' I said, 'it can go in the boot. You won't even have to look at it.'

He sighed loudly. 'There'll be n.o.body else wearing a hat.'

'I don't care!'

'I'm only trying to help.'

'Well, you're not. Look, I'm going for a walk. I'll see you in a while.'

'Good! You could do with cooling off.'

'Would you like me to tell you what you could do with?' I stormed off.

This whole family-wedding business was a strain. I thought Keith wanted me to make a fuss of his family after all, he had been exposed to so much of mine, and I was curious about his. But as it drew closer he seemed less and less keen on the whole thing. If it weren't for the fact that his mother could talk about nothing else every time he saw her or spoke to her on the phone, he would probably have cried off. They had wanted us all to travel together but Keith was adamant that that wasn't a good idea. He was torn between saving his father the drive and saving me the over-exposure (so he claimed). I tried to tell him I didn't mind, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually his brother agreed to drive their parents. I thought that would put him at ease but he still seemed bothered about something. I was weary of trying to work out what it was.

I headed in the direction of O'Connell Street; something was drawing me once more to the front steps of O'Sullivan and Woulfe. It was right to move on, but I couldn't deny what a large part the firm had played in my life. Mostly it was a lesson in denial and how to deal with a mild-to-middling case of self-inflicted misery but there had been the odd good time. At least, that was how I was choosing to remember it.

They had given me a b.l.o.o.d.y good send-off. At three o'clock on my last day (the hour when I habitually shut down mentally) my boss came into the office area and announced to everybody that in honour of my leaving we were going to have a party. Then he rolled in the drinks trolley several bottles of moderately good wine and a truckload of beer, followed not too much later by the food trolley with drumsticks, c.o.c.ktail sausages and sandwiches. He wasn't being mean, just lacked imagination. Once we'd all had enough to loosen us up he made a speech about the bravery in trying new things and the excitement of taking on a new challenge. For a moment he sounded almost wistful and his gaze was fixed on something indefinable at the end of the room. He quickly sobered up he probably made a mental tot of his salary and decided things weren't so bad after all. However, I believe his sentiments were genuine, and when he held my hand and kissed me, then presented me with a substantial Brown Thomas voucher, a lot of warmth emanated from him. If I had met him in any other circ.u.mstances I'd probably have liked him.

He set the tone for everybody else; even people I knew had never liked me were full of good wishes and sadness that I was leaving. I wondered if I'd underestimated them, but when I saw them eyeing up my desk (and its prime location by a window and and a radiator) I decided to let my original judgement lie. They weren't bad people; they just weren't my sort of people. Whatever my sort was. a radiator) I decided to let my original judgement lie. They weren't bad people; they just weren't my sort of people. Whatever my sort was.

Of course, I'd had one or two allies Denise was always good for a laugh even though she got on my nerves most of the time, and there was an older woman who proffered advice when it was most needed but the truth was that I wouldn't be seeing any of them again. It was a sad thought that such a huge part of my life would close so finally, but I was moving on.

Facing the closed doors of the building now (it was Sat.u.r.day), I sighed and continued walking. The only place to go was to the shops, and for once I wasn't in the mood for that. I was in the mood to get the car packed and moving. Pa.s.sing a flower shop I decided to buy Keith a b.u.t.ton-hole; it had struck me as the sort of thing he would appreciate. The florist was all chat about weddings and where the one I was going to would take place. She made a lovely b.u.t.tonhole and charged me very little. 'Enjoy your day,' she called, as I went out of the door.

By the time I got back to the car, parked on the street outside my building, Keith had it piled with our luggage, including my enormous hat placed carefully on the back seat. Before I had a chance to say anything, he apologized. 'I'm sorry,' he said. 'It was my fault. I was being a b.o.l.l.o.c.ks. Your hat's lovely.'

'Great,' I said. 'Just wait till you see it when I'm wearing my new outfit. Or, better still, wait till you see it when I'm wearing nothing at all...'

Somehow the image of me naked except for my hat didn't have the desired effect.

'Come on, let's get going,' he said. 'We have to drive some of the worst roads in the country and it's in the middle of b.l.o.o.d.y nowhere.' His relations lived in the heart of rural Clare.

'OK,' I said. 'Just don't drive too fast. My hair's in a state of ruffled perfection and I don't want to ruin it.'

'Get in,' he said. 'Isn't the b.l.o.o.d.y hat going to cover your hair anyway?'

I couldn't argue with that.

The drive was probably the most pleasant part of the trip. He seemed a bit more relaxed, the weather was good, the roads were surprisingly quiet and Steely Dan were excellent company. I sat back and allowed my mind to wander but not too far. I had decided recently that it was possible to spend too much of your life daydreaming. If you want to make a success of your present and have a hope of a future, you have to live fully in your present. Keith was my present and he was going to be my future. He was real and solid and wonderful, and it was about time I appreciated that. I wanted to talk to him about college, but he never seemed keen to sit down and hammer it out with me. I was excited about all that was to come but also quite apprehensive and I needed to feel he would be there to guide me through it. He had a.s.sured me that work would quieten down soon and that we might take a holiday, even go back to Los Almiras where everything had seemed so simple. But weren't patience and understanding part of a grown-up relations.h.i.+p? If he was going through a rough time I should support him by not making demands on him, by thinking of him and not myself for once. Then he would do the same for me. I hoped he'd get sorted out before I went headlong into something I knew would freak me out, even if it was in a good way.

I worried about what happened to couples when both parties were needy at the same time. In my innocence, I had always presumed it was only the woman who needed looking after because that had been my experience, but now I had discovered that men needed just as much care. They might be a lot less obvious about it but they could have their mini-crises, just as we did. Keith wasn't throwing any wobblies at me, but it was clear that he needed something from me and mainly for me to give him s.p.a.ce.

The family's plan was to call first at the homestead to see everybody before the wedding, then continue to the hotel to change for the church. I thought it was a crazy idea, involving loads of extra driving, and an invasion of a bride who would probably prefer to get ready in peace. But apparently it was a tradition among them to do this house-visit thing. And it wasn't even as if champagne and whiskey would be flowing: most of the family were teetotal. Keith explained that it was a way for the family to be private together before the wedding was opened up to the public. Which might have been all very well if they were celebrities, I thought, but didn't say. If that was what we were doing, it was what we were doing.