Part 10 (1/2)

'Are you sure you're OK? Do you want me to go with you, just for the beginning?'

'No, I'm fine, honestly. I don't think there'll be any problem. But I could do with your help tomorrow when I talk to Mum and Dad. Could you be around for that?'

'Of course.'

She got up and we embraced once more. To look at her, you wouldn't have thought she was about to explain to the former love of her life why she'd dumped him. You might have thought she was about to embark on some very exciting adventure.

So, after hearing what Jean had to say I was curious to know what Mike made of it. I left it a couple of days, and without saying anything to Jean, I stayed at work late one evening and called round to his office when I knew he'd be alone. He was staying at work quite late, these days. I hadn't phoned to tell him I was coming but when I arrived he seemed to have been expecting me. 'Kate,' he said. 'Kate,' he repeated, holding out his hands to me. 'I'm so sorry about the other night. I was deranged. I didn't know what I was saying.' His voice was soft and frayed at the edges.

'It's OK,' I told him. 'You were upset. We didn't take any notice. It's fine.'

'No,' he said, 'it's not fine. I had no right to treat you like that.'

His look was deeply intent.

'It's OK, really,' I a.s.sured him. I could see the lines round his eyes and the puffiness beneath. He was doing a good impression of everything having gone back to normal, but it was clear he was still quite rattled.

'Did Jean tell you about our chat?' he asked, with a smile approaching his usual self-possession.

'She told me bits. She said ye were very civilized.'

'Yes, we were. Especially Jean. I've seen her more agitated telling me there's no milk in the fridge.'

I laughed feebly. 'She said you were still a bit dazed but that you were essentially resigned to the whole thing. She said you could see where she was coming from.'

'Where she's coming from?' he mused. 'She's coming from one strange place.' He was shaking his head and laughing. 'She seems to think she's done me a favour. I can now go out and sleep with all the women I've been l.u.s.ting after for years. I can do unmentionably kinky things to them, I can father their children... Yes, indeed, Jean has it all worked out for me.'

'It's not as cynical as you're making it sound. I think she really believes she might have held you back.'

I didn't know if I was defending Jean or trying to pacify him.

'That's the funny thing,' he said then. 'I think so too. And the even funnier thing is that I do see where she's coming from.'

'Oh?'

'I don't mean I'm ready for... well... whatever it is, but the truth is that... maybe some time in the future, it might be nice to have... some options. Oh, f.u.c.k, I don't know what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that, yeah, some part of me realizes that this isn't entirely a bad thing.'

'Oh.'

'I'm sorry, Kate.'

'For what?'

'For everything. For having to listen to me, for having to listen to Jean. We're working things out, we're fine. You've got better things to be thinking about like your own marriage. We're just the idiots who f.u.c.ked it up.'

'She f.u.c.ked it up, not you.'

'No, no, I did too. Look... she's right, I'm not all that surprised. Now that I've calmed down, well, yeah, of course I saw it coming. I just never thought it would actually arrive.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, I'd known our marriage wasn't right for years. But, a.s.shole that I am, I thought I was being the big man and that I was protecting her. I mean, in the beginning, she depended on me. She really was a bit of a mess in those days. I suppose that was part of what I found so attractive in her. But it waned, you know? I mean, she was still needy, but I was finding it less attractive. But I felt that this was what I'd chosen and there was no backing out. So what if I'd fallen a little out of love with her? I'd learn to live with it. But I suppose I was actually being arrogant, believing she still needed me. That was why I was so shocked when it turned out that she didn't need me, after all.'

'Is that true?'

'That is the sorry truth of our fifteen-year marriage.'

'Is that what you told Jean?'

'Mostly. I didn't labour the bits about her being needy, but she knew it anyway. She's much more perceptive and self-aware than I'd thought.'

'Yeah, me too. We're getting on really well now.' me too. We're getting on really well now.'

'She told me.'

'It's weird.'

'Weird is not the word.'

We laughed. It was was weird, and it would probably get weirder. weird, and it would probably get weirder.

'Anyway,' he said, 'enough about me. How are you? How was your holiday? How's work?'

'Work is terrible. I think I want to pack it in.' I was surprised by my outburst. Had I been thinking this already or had it just occurred to me?

'OK, OK,' he said. 'Just how terrible? Are you in any... trouble?'

'Trouble? Oh, G.o.d, no. At least, I don't think so. No, I just hate it. I've always hated it. I can't pretend to be a solicitor any longer.'

'Right. Well, you've loads of options. You still have a very good degree, and your training and experience won't go to waste. There's a lot you could do within the law field.'

'But I'm so fed up of the law!'

'Well, in that case, you could go back to college for a year. Retrain.'

'At my age?'

'Of course. You're not over the hill yet. You just need to think about what you'd like to do.'

Mike was was so level-headed. He could make any problem seem clearer. so level-headed. He could make any problem seem clearer.

'Thanks, Mike. I'll do that. And listen,' I added, 'if you need anything... or you want to talk...'

'Thanks, Kate, but I'll be fine. You have your hands full looking after one half of this mess. Go home and take a rest.'

I went home, where I found Jean in the lotus position on the couch eating a tub of ice-cream and watching Emmerdale Emmerdale. Life seemed good.