Part 10 (1/2)

For those of you who don't know, there's a very Helm's Deep-like battle sequence in ”Kingdom of Heaven,” also starring Orlando Bloom.

Dear sound effects people: The Wilhelm Scream is the Rickroll of your industry. Time to retire it.

Helm's Deep explosion: One of the top five explosions in film history. Discuss.

The Legolas Arrow Eye Stab never gets old. The s.h.i.+eld surfing, however.

Now at the scene where elf is stunned that someone as pretty as he can die.

The Two Towers may have the most neck wounds of any film ever made.

I wonder what ents do when they come across a book. I imagine there's a lot of screaming.

The ents are marching, first to Isengard and then to a Phish concert.

I strongly believe Theoden could benefit from mood levelers.

Gimli is taking to that horn like it's the world's biggest hookah.

The horses of the Rohirrim: ”You want us to gallop down WHAT?”

At the ”Ents go Orc bowling” scene.

Burning ent putting himself out in the flood: Still cool.

Sam doing his Saint Crispin's day speech. Undercut by his 70s roadie haircut.

Gandalf now foreshadowing. Movie nearing the end.

Mordor's going about it all wrong, incidentally. Harness all that geothermal energy, sell it to the humans, LIVE LIKE KINGS.

Movie done. I wasn't intending to livetweet it incidentally. It's just that I'm ALL ALONE. With a computer. And cable TV.

And yes, Encore is showing Return of the King next. So if you're sick of the tweets, probably best to unsub for the night.

The very first time you ever see Smeagol he's impaling a living creature, so it's not as if what happens to him afterward is surprising.

The One Ring is bad for your teeth. Pa.s.s it on.

Sitcom proposal: Frodo and Sam are roommates, Gollum is their cranky landlord. Gandalf as the wacky neighbor with a cat.

First time I've noticed the ents in the background, still throwing rocks at Saruman's tower.

Merry and Pippin doing product placement for Green Dragon ale. I remember Middle Earth before it went corporate, man.

Gollum is the 1%.

You'd think they could pa.s.sword protect a palantir.

Merry and Pippin having a spat. They're adorable.

It must be tiring to be an elf and always have to walk in slow motion.

They are reforging the sword of the king. Which will be given to Connor McLeod. IN MY CROSSOVER FANFIC #AragronConnorSlashFTW Let's be honest and admit that Gandalf's people skills leave much to be desired.

I knew Osgilliath was doomed when the Starbucks closed up. All 16 of them #OrcsHateCoffee Minas Morgul glows like an XBox.

And yes, that would make the Eye of Sauron the Red Ring of Death.

Also, I don't care if they're evil, I want a Nazgul.

Say what you will about the Orcs, you don't get be one of their leaders just by having a nice head of hair #MeritocracyIsUgly Of all the Hobbits, it's not entirely surprising that Pippin is the one that starts fires.

I wonder what horrible thing you have to have done to be a.s.signed to Beacon Patrol.

This may be a bit of futconning, but I think Eomer would be even more awesome if he spoke like Leonard McCoy.

Gandalf, walking around with that Nazgul repellent in his staff, only thinks to use it once. #NotATacticalGenius We are now at the scene that suggests that Thanksgiving at the Steward's House is never not awkward.

If I were Sam, I would not be sleeping that close to a cliff edge with Gollum around.

We're at the emo-est parade ever. ”You're all doomed. Here's some flowers.”

It's nice that in Middle Earth you can become Steward of Gondor without ever learning to chew with your mouth closed.

Does anyone other than me notice the similarity of the falling necklace to the falling necklace in The Exorcist?

Aragorn will not be wanting to swing that sword around in a thunderstorm.

We're at the ”Eowyn discovers that proximity does not trump a hot elf” scene.

Also, for those who asked: I am totally sober right now. Believe it.

The whole city of ghosts part here is a little too ”Haunted Mansion” for me.

Given the sooty barrenness of Mordor, the support logistics of the orc army are being seriously glossed over here.

Once again: Gandalf-not a people person. #WhatDenathor-NeededWasAHug That Orc general is bada.s.s. Good looking, too, in a John Merrick sort of way.

If Gandalf would only use his Magneto powers, this whole battle would be over in, like, a minute and a half.

Frodo should have turned back at ”The walls are sticky!” We should ALL turn back when the walls are sticky.

It's out of character for Sam not to have collected up the Lembas bread before he ran back up the mountain in a rage.

You know what would kill Shelob, don't you. A good hard whack with ”A Dance With Dragons.” #ALargeBookIsComing Frodo, Gollum and the rest are easier to understand if you think of this movie as Peter Jackson's remake of ”Requiem for a Dream.”