Part 31 (1/2)
Why haven't you told Bea you love her?
You don't love us.
A bigger part was angry at myself for even having those kinds of thoughts again. I was coming to realize that it wasn't so much the fact that he was leaving that bothered me as it was the fact that he was leaving me so unsure about where things really stood with us.
He treated me as if he loved me, but even when we were acting like a family, he'd never defined our relations.h.i.+p, never even labeled me his girlfriend.
As Justin prepared the mugs of coffee like he always did, I followed every move he made and couldn't help but wonder what the next time I'd watch him make coffee would be like.
When he handed me my cup, I put on the best smile I could. I didn't want him to leave thinking of my sad face. Just as I was trying like h.e.l.l to put on a happy facade, his own expression turned sullen.
”What is it, Justin?”
”I just feel helpless. If you need anything, I told Tom you might call him from time to time. I left his number on the fridge. He said anytime day or night, don't hesitate. Call him instead of that tool next door, please. I also installed a new alarm system.” He waved a hand, leading me to the door. ”Come on, I'll show you how to use it.”
Everything he was saying was m.u.f.fled as my eyes followed his fingers, hands, and lips as he explained how to maneuver the alarm control pad. His voice was fading into the background, losing the battle with my acc.u.mulating panic.
Justin took notice and stopped talking. ”You know what? I'll email you the instructions.” He stared at me for a bit before pulling me into an embrace. He held me for what seemed like several minutes, slowly rubbing my back. There wasn't anything we could do to slow down time.
I watched from the window as Justin loaded his luggage into the back of the Range Rover.
When he came back inside, we took a quick but quiet walk on the beach with Bea. At one point, I stayed behind as Justin took Bea closer to the sh.o.r.e. He whispered something in her ear. That made me curious, but I never asked him what he'd said to her.
Once we returned to the house, it was time for Justin to leave. The morning had flown by way too fast; it almost seemed unfair.
Trying to suppress my tears, I said, ”I can't believe this moment is finally here.”
Miraculously, I was able to keep the crying at bay because, mostly, I was in shock. The best thing I could do for him right now was to rea.s.sure him that I would support him while he experienced this new chapter, let him know that I would be there for him in the very way we started-as a friend.
I returned his own sentiments from earlier. ”The same goes for you, Justin. If you need me, or you get lonely, or maybe you're feeling doubtful, you call me day or night. I'll be here.”
Justin was still holding Bea as he placed his forehead on mine and simply said, ”Thank you.” We stayed like that for a while with Bea sandwiched in the middle of us.
Still wanting to avoid breaking out in tears, I forced myself away. ”You'd better go. You'll miss your flight.”
He kissed Bea's head gently then said, ”I'll call you when I land in Minneapolis.”
Bea and I stood in the doorway, watching as he walked away. He got in the car and started it but didn't move. He looked over at us as we continued to wait. Bea was reaching out her hand to him and babbling; she obviously had no clue what was going on.
Why wasn't he moving?
He suddenly got out of the car, slamming the door. My heartbeat accelerated with each step he took toward me. Before I could ask him whether he'd forgotten something, his hand wrapped around the back of my head, pulling me into him. He opened his mouth wide over mine, plunging his tongue inside and twirling it around at an almost desperate pace as he groaned into my mouth. He tasted like coffee and a flavor all his own. This was not the time to be getting aroused, but I couldn't help my body's reaction.
When he forced himself back, his eyes were hazy, filled with just as much confusion as pa.s.sion. I had to once again remind myself of the old adage of setting someone free, that if they come back they're yours; if they don't, they never were.
Please come back to me.
He said nothing else as he walked back to the car, started it and this time...drove off.
CHAPTER 18.
Blind faith.
That was the only thing helping me get through that first month with Justin away. Somehow, I just had to convince myself to trust his actions and judgement, even though I couldn't be there to see what was actually happening.
He called us every night. Sometimes, it would be during what he referred to as his relaxation time around 8PM, right before their 9PM performances. Other times, it would be during his lunch or dinner break. From what he'd told me, his daily itinerary was jam-packed with sound checks and rehearsals at each new venue. The only down time was after the show, and by then, he was roped into after parties or just plain exhausted. If the band stayed more than one night in the same city, they would all check into a hotel. If they had to be in another locale the next day, they would drive through the night and sleep on the bus.
There were two buses, one for Calvin and the main band and one for Justin and the rest of the crew. According to Justin, each bus slept about twelve people. I never asked him which bus Olivia slept in, because I was afraid of the answer.
Blind faith.
Okay, well even though I chose to have faith in him, I still discovered a little window into their world that would satisfy my episodes of paranoia. It came in the form of Olivia's Instagram page.
Back when Jade lived at the beach house and used to complain about Olivia's commenting on all of Justin's posts, I searched his page to check out Olivia's profile. I'd stalked her online occasionally even before Justin left. Now, each day, she would post pictures from the tour. Many were just scenic shots, like the sunrise taken from the bus as they entered a new city or whatever the band and crew happened to be eating. Other shots were of Calvin and his band backstage.
One particular night when Bea was sleeping, I opened up Instagram. Olivia posted a picture of Justin performing. It was just a standard shot of him leaning into the microphone with the spotlight s.h.i.+ning down onto his beautiful face, which was framed by that five-o'clock shadow. It made me long to be there, to see him perform on the big stage. When I looked lower, I noticed the hashtags.
#LadyKiller #JustinBanks #UsedToTapThat #ExesOfInstagram Despite the fact that it bothered me, I refused to bring it up to him, refused to play the role of jealous girlfriend, especially when he hadn't labeled me his girlfriend at all.
A knock at the door startled me. I shut my laptop.
Who would be coming by this late?
Thankfully, in addition to the alarm system, Justin had drilled a peephole into my door before he left.
A woman with long brown hair like mine was standing there s.h.i.+vering. She looked innocent enough, so I opened the door.
”Can I help you?”
”Hi.” She grinned. ”Amelia, right?”
”Yes.”
”I wanted to introduce myself. My name is Susan. I live in the blue house next door.”
”Oh. Did Roger move?”
”No. I'm actually his wife.”
Wife?
”Oh. I thought he was-”
”Divorced?” She smiled.