Part 39 (2/2)
She said quickly:
”You trust me, don't you?”
He smiled gently and looked at her with a light in his eyes that was almost humble.
”I've trusted you with my love. I want to do things for you. I'd like to drive this man out of your way.”
He was reluctant to give his real reason because, by doing so, he would necessarily make her aware of the strength of the menace of which Hilton, he felt but could not prove, was a part. He still wanted to s.h.i.+eld her from full realization of the force aligned against her.
She leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands folded.
”I wish he would go away, but I wouldn't want to see him driven. You see, there are things about me which you will never understand. d.i.c.k Hilton, for a man, was not far different from what I used to be, as a woman. Our impulses were quite similar. Since I feel that I have established my right to exist by trying to do something, to be somebody to ... walk alone, I've come to an appreciation of the thing that I used to be, and I pity the old Jane Hunter and all her kind. In spite of all that he has been, I pity d.i.c.k Hilton, Tom, and in that very fact I see an indication of strength of which I'm proud....
”You see, I like to think about myself now; that didn't used to be true.
”Last year I would have been deeply resentful toward d.i.c.k for what he has done, but now, after my natural anger has gone, I can only be sorry for him. That, I feel, is true strength.
”I am not bitter. I don't wish him harm. His environment is to blame for what he is and perhaps this country, the people he comes in contact with here, will do for him what they have done for me.” Beck thought that this was an unconscious absurdity! ”I begrudge him nothing. I only wish that he might come to see life as I have come to see it.
”If he could only see himself as he is! Why, he is intelligent, he has a good mind, he has been generous and kindly, and if he could only get set straight in his outlook I feel that I could call him my friend.
”Do you understand that?”
He shook his head, driving back the perplexity he felt.
”No, I don't understand that.... There's lots of things I'll never quite understand about you, I expect. That's one thing that made me love you; you interest me.
”I just thought maybe you'd like him out of the country.”
”I can never be a dog in the manger,” she replied. ”What is good about this life I would share with my worst enemy, and gladly, because at one time I was my own worst enemy.”
”You ... you don't think you'd ever want to see him again, Jane?” With that evidence of natural jealousy was a gentle reproach, a woe-begone expression which, being so groundless in fact, set Jane Hunter laughing.
”Silly!” she cried, throwing her arms about him.
”Look at me and read the answer!”
Beck laughed at himself then.
”Who wouldn't want _you_ all to himself!” he whispered. ”And who wouldn't believe in you!”
Beck stood a long time under the stars that night, the feel of her lips still on his, but an uncomfortable doubt in his heart. He was tolerant, as mountain men are tolerant, but he had been bred in a hard school; he had learned to weigh men and to discard those who were found wanting.
He was not vindictive, but he took no chances. Placing his trust in those who had showed repeatedly that they were unworthy of trust was taking a chance and though Jane Hunter had done her best to make her reasoning carry, he could not comprehend.
Finally he said: ”This ain't any compliment to her, wonderin' like this. It's her way and she sure's got a right to it!”
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