Part 37 (2/2)
”Annie,” Luke said, shaking his head like some tired old man and then sighing, ”our lives are so twisted and confused. It seems that you and I have been left to bear all the suffering a never-ending suffering.”
”I'll get better Luke. I will,” I promised. He looked so defeated, so overwhelmed. He wasn't my old, determined Luke, unafraid of facing the ”tallest mountains.” If he lost hope and faith, what would I do?
”I don't mean that kind of suffering, Annie.” He looked down at his hands in his lap and then looked up. Even in the dim moonlight I could see that his eyes were wet with tears. ”I was angry at Drake because he was so nasty to you, but I was even more angry at him because he . . . he said the truth. Annie . . .” Luke took my hand into his. ”I can't help myself. I love you, and not like a half brother should love a half sister. I, love you like a man should love a woman.”
”Oh, Luke . . .” The walls between us crumbled in dust. My heart rose and fell. I couldn't help it. In my mind when Luke said the words aloud, he challenged the spell. He had done the forbidden and unleashed all the pa.s.sion that had been waiting hopefully for just this moment, waiting for either of us to give in to what we truly felt.
He took on that familiar decisive look, his eyes fixed on me, his jaw tight. ”I decided in the cabin that I would come here and say it all. Drake was right. I did look at you with longing, with pa.s.sion all these years. No other girl made me happy. It's why I never really had any girlfriends. I dream about you all the time. It's wrong, I know, but I can't help it. That's why I ran away. It's painful, Annie. It's really very painful.”
”Luke, I understand.” I pulled myself up so that our faces were inches apart.
”Do you?” he asked, with the look of someone who had always known.
”I've had the same feelings, always had them, and they seem to have grown stronger since you came for me at Farthy,” I confessed. For a long moment the air between us seemed more like a window through which we gazed into each other's eyes and against which we pressed our lips.
”I thought so,” Luke whispered, his hands moving up my arms to my shoulders. ”I came so close to saying these things during the last day or so. I almost did it on the gazebo.”
”So did I.”
My nightgown slipped over my shoulders and hung precariously against my upper arms. Half my bosom was already exposed, but I didn't feel embarra.s.sed. Luke's fingers, as if they had minds of their own, traced along my collarbone. He sighed.
”Oh, Annie, Nature has played such a dirty trick on us. I hate myself for loving you this way; but I don't know how to stop it, I don't even want to stop it!”
”Luke, don't hate yourself. I can't help it, either, but I don't hate myself.”
”Annie . .”
We could no longer keep our lips from touching. We both slipped through the imaginary window, and when his lips touched mine, my nightgown fell below my elbows and bared my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. His fingers traveled down to touch me. I moaned and searched for his lips again, but Luke pulled himself abruptly back.
”No, Annie . . . no, no. We can't do this. Drake was right about me. I don't belong here; I can't stay here. Whatever undercurrent of evil that has run through the Casteels is running through me now, too. If I stay here with you, I won't be able to stop myself and we'll become like some of my hillbilly ancestors . . . incestuous, like animals, ugly.”
”Luke, we can't be ugly. This can't be wrong. I don't know why, but I feel it can't be.”
”You're too good for someone like me, Annie. You don't deserve to have any evil curses dropped over your head just because I can't control the foul pa.s.sion that runs freely through my Casteel veins. I'm probably no better than my mother used to be. Drake was right about that.
”I must stay away from you for a while, Annie, and let you get better and stronger emotionally as well as physically.” He backed away from my bed.
”No, Luke, I need you. Please, don't go.” I reached out toward him, but he continued to back away.
”I must. G.o.d bless you, Annie. Get well.”
He pivoted quickly and rushed out.
”Luke!” I struggled to get out of the bed. My legs trembled. Even so, I forced them to hold me enough so I could work my way around my bed and grab my walker. Using it, I made my way to the bedroom doorway. I got there just in time to hear the front door open and close.
”Luke!”
”Annie! What's wrong?”
Aunt f.a.n.n.y rushed across the hallway.
”Oh, Aunt f.a.n.n.y, hurry. Luke's run out. Stop him. He blames himself for everything, for what happened between me and Drake. . . for . . . for everything.”
She nodded, but I saw she knew more than I thought.
”It was bound ta happen, child. Like Heaven, I could see it comin', but I didn't know how ta stop it.” She guided me back to my bed.
”See it coming?” Did everyone know what we thought was kept so deeply secret in our own hearts?
”Saw the way he always looked at ya, saw the way ya were togetha. I saw the light in ya eyes and the light in his'n and I knew what was growin' between ya.”
”Oh, Aunt f.a.n.n.y, I didn't do it deliberately. I. . .” I sat on my bed, my hands in my lap, and shook my head.
”I know, honey.” She sat beside me and took my hand. ”I know ya wouldn't have let anythin' happen if ya could stop it. Love jist gushed outta ya and outta him. Can't blame nurther of ya fer it. Ya were both drawn ta one another at an early age, and like two flowers in the forest, hidden from everyone's shoes and sight, yer love grew free and wild until ya entwined. Yet, it's all wrong, so ya got ta untwine. It's goin' ta be somethin' painful, and fer it ta happen atop'a all the rest, it's goin' ta be doubly hard fer ya, butIll be here ta help ya get through it, Annie.”
”But Luke,” I cried. He had no one to help and to comfort him.
”Ya got ta let him go his own way, Annie. I told ya. He ain't jist got Luke Casteel's name; he's got his blood. I loved ma pappy, but he was a man with a man's fire burnin' hot and heavy beneath those pretty eyes.”
”Aunt f.a.n.n.y, I feel so sick inside, so empty and alone. I just can't stand it,” I moaned. She put her arms around me and held me to her for a few moments. Then she kissed my forehead and held me out at arm's length.
”Come on, Annie. I'll help ya back ta bed. Ya gotta think of yer own health now.”
I let her help me. After I was under the blanket again, she leaned down and kissed me on the forehead and stroked my hair just like my mother used to.
”Git yerself some sleep, Annie. be here with ya and help ya till ya get yerself on yer feet again.”
”Thank you, Aunt f.a.n.n.y.”
”Us women gotta stick together now,” she said, smiling and straightening her shoulders to indicate we would tough it out together.
She kissed me again and then she left me alone in the darkness with only the echo of Luke's voice beside me. I could still see his eyes close to mine.
”It isn't ugly; it can't be ugly,” I chanted, and fell asleep with the memory of his kiss still on my lips.
TWENTY-THREE.
The Secret of the Cottage.
The next week and a half was difficult for me. In some ways it was even harder than the time I had spent at Farthy. Not that anyone was cruel to me; far from it. All of the servants and my aunt f.a.n.n.y couldn't have been more concerned, loving, and considerate. But now, so soon after I had lost my parents, I had lost Luke, the one person in the world who I thought would always be there for me, the one person who made the struggle and the pain worthwhile. He was gone, and I felt as dead and as lost inside as I had when I had lost my parents.
Days were bleak and dark no matter how brightly the sun shone. I was forever cold and tired, wrapping my blankets around me and spending hours and hours simply staring up at the ceiling, not even wanting to put on the lights when twilight came. At times I felt numb, and at times I cried and cried until my chest ached. I cried myself to sleep, only to awaken to the realization that now all the people who had been close to me were gone. I had never felt so alone, not even when I was shut up in Farthy. At least when I was there, I still had my fantasies, my dreams.
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