Part 14 (1/2)

There was a long pause, during which she watched her cousin narrowly.

He seemed to be thinking deeply, with eyes intent on the fire. She was so little prepared for the direction which his thought took that she was startled when he said at last with a sigh:--

”I do sometimes find myself envying the absolute authority with which the Roman Catholic Church speaks.”

”Authority!” she repeated indignantly. ”Do you mean that you wish to give up your individuality?”

”No; not that; but it must be of unspeakable comfort in times of mental doubt to repose on unquestioned and unquestionable authority.”

Helen rose from her place by the fire and walked to the window. She felt that she was on very delicate ground, and she would gladly have escaped from the discussion could she have done so without the feeling of having evaded. She stood a moment looking out into the darkening street, dusky in the growing January twilight, bleak and dreary. Then with a sudden movement she went to her husband's desk and took up a picture of her boy, a beautiful, manly little fellow of three years, of whom Philip was especially fond. Crossing to her cousin, she put the picture in his hand, at the same time turning up the electric light behind him.

”See,” she said, with feminine adroitness. ”I don't think I've shown you this picture of Greyson.”

He looked at it earnestly, and sighed.

”It is beautiful,” said he. ”Greyson is a son to be proud of and to love.”

”Well?” she asked significantly.

”What do you mean?” returned he. ”What has Greyson's picture to do with what we were talking about?”

She took the photograph from his hand, extinguished the light, and walked back toward the desk. The room seemed darker than before now that the firelight only was left. Suddenly she turned, with an outburst almost pa.s.sionate:--

”O Philip!” she exclaimed. ”Can't you see? My son! Surely if there is anything in this world that is holy, that is entirely pure and n.o.ble, it is parentage. Do you suppose that all the churches in the world, with authority or without it, could make Grant and me feel that there is anything higher for us than to take our little son in our arms and thank G.o.d for him!”

He did not answer, and she controlled her emotion, smiling at her own extravagance, while she wiped away a tear. She kissed the picture, and put it in its place; then she returned to her chair by the fire.

”I don't expect you to understand my feeling,” she said. ”You never can until you have a son of your own. If a little cherub like Grey puts his baby hands into your eyes and pulls your hair, you'll suddenly discover that a good many of your old theories have evaporated.”

”But, Cousin Helen,” he began hesitatingly, ”certainly there is often sin”--

She interrupted him indignantly.

”There is no sin in faithful, loving, self-respecting marriage,” she insisted. ”That is what I am talking about. It is the holiest thing on earth. Anything may be degraded. I've even heard of a burlesque of the sacrament. I don't see why I shouldn't speak frankly, Philip. You are in a state of mind that is morbid and self-tormenting. If you love a woman, tell her so honestly and clearly; and if she is a good woman and can love you, go down on your knees, and thank G.o.d.”

He leaned his forehead on his hands, as if he were struggling with himself. The firelight shone on his rich hair, auburn like her own.

Helen watched him anxiously, wondering if she had said too much, and whether she were taking too great a responsibility in the advice she gave. Certainly anything must be good that took him out of his unhealthy mood.

”Come,” she said, rising, and turning on the electric light again. ”It is time for Grant to be at home, and for me to be dressing. We are to dine at the Bodewin Rangers to-night.”

He put up his hand to arrest her, and said in a tone that wrung her heart:--

”But, Cousin Helen, I cannot speak of love to a woman until I am ready to give up for her my priestly calling.”

”Until you are willing to give up your unwholesome idea of celibacy and asceticism, you mean.”

”It would be sacrificing a principle to a pa.s.sion.”

Helen sighed.