14 5.1: Coloured Fingertips (2/2)

Somehow this scene invokes so much emotion in me because this act carried more love than I have ever been granted in my living days. I start sniffing and consider touching Joshua's shoulder and turning him to me. I want to look in his earthy eyes. I want to be able to explain my love to him despite his betrayal. I want to tell him that I forgive him.

I want him and his rosy lips, most importantly, to explain his actions and agonizing words.

”You look at him like he means the world to you even though he's one of the reasons why you don't have one-” Tobias speaks softly from behind me, and I blink awake.

”We were very close-” I say simply as I watch Joshua push the white flowers out of the way and spread his red roses in front of my tombstone instead. ”I loved watching him-” I pause and blink, certain that I'm crying. ”Paint-” I choke out and lift my hand toward his back that's facing us. ”Talk. Just doing anything-” I sniff. ”And it's hard to explain the love I hold for him after all the damage he's left behind in me. It's like I'm sure there was a reason behind this drastic change, you know?”

I turn my head to Tobias who locks my eyes with concern and funnily enough, care. I search his hazel eyes for what he thinks about me and find nothing. I wonder if he thinks that I'm pathetic and stupid because what I told him, is stupid. And I regret telling him. In fact, I regret thinking of Joshua like that in the first place. He broke my heart.

I look away from Tobias' eyes and back at Joshua who's now tracing my engraved name with his coloured fingertips.

”I thought he hated you-” Tobias says, and I shrug in response.

”This doesn't look like hate-” I sniff. ”It looks like confusion to me-”

”You know what it looks like to me?” Tobias asks, his voice gaining strength. I look at him and urge him to go on. ”It looks like guilt.”

I freeze at the words that spilt from his lips and hung in the hot (I'm assuming), dusty air between us. ”Guilt?” I mutter, drawing my eyes away from Tobias. ”Possibly-” I say slowly, killing my stupid, flowery thoughts.

Tobias is right through and through. What am I thinking? Joshua, the infamous high school jock, is in love with a dead girl? I shake my head and get a grip on myself. Those ten, stupid, red roses mean nothing. Joshua's just playing the role of any person visiting a damned grave. No more.

”Sorry,” I hear Joshua whisper before getting on his feet and staring at the tombstone some more. And I really want to get closer to him. I want, if possible, to hear his string of thoughts. I want to know if he really only feels guilty.

”You know, if you were alive, you could've figured out all of his confusing, contradicting actions by just talking to him-” Tobias says as Benji moves in circles around us.

”Easier said than done-” I sigh loudly.

Tobias scoffs, and I look at him with narrowed eyes.

”What?” I say, and he just shakes his head and looks back at Joshua. I know that there are words he's holding back, and I know that since he's holding them back that they'll be painful and laced with the bitter truth.

I look at Joshua to find him noisily unwrapping a paper and staring at it. His height blocks the paper's contents, but I'm certain that Tobias can at least get a glimpse of them since he's taller.

Tobias is looking past his shoulders with creases between his eyebrows and a small smirk. ”It's some drawing-”

I lift my brows in surprise. ”A drawing?”

”Yeah, can't see what it is though-”

”How useful of you-” I whisper to myself. ”Seriously, what's the point of being tall if you can't use it to sneak on people?”

”You know, this sort of thinking is the reason why people like you are midgets-” Tobias retorts, and I roll my eyes.

Joshua folds the paper anyway and drops it in front of my grave. My eyes widen, knowing that it's my only chance to get a grab on it. I move to get it, but Tobias holds my forearm, and I irritably narrow my eyes at him.

”Not now-” He says. ”You wouldn't want to freak Judas out-”

I sigh and nod once. He's right. The paper would disappear and Joshua would probably have a fit.

Joshua turns to us and Benji barks at him. He offers the dog a small smile before glancing sideways at nothing in particular. I give him a weird look because I thought that he hated all living creatures (he inspired me to hate them too). To add to my surprise, he kneels in front of Benji and reaches inside his jacket.

”If your Judas even tries harming Benji, I will be forced to give him a spiritual kick-” Tobias whispers furiously, but I don't reply as I watch Joshua take out some biscuits in his palm and extend it to the dog.

Benji licks all the biscuits off his palm, wagging his tail as Joshua chuckles lightly, and I wonder if the Earth is still round. Because this is the greatest juxtaposition ever. Because it seems to me that I don't really know who Joshua is.

”Well, good-” Tobias says bitterly as Joshua pats Benji. ”At least he's fed him-”

Joshua then suddenly looks up at me and his hands stop massaging Benji. Our eyes meet and I'm sure I can't breathe anymore. He stands up slowly, unblinking and I almost believe he sees me.

”What the hell are you doing here?!” I then hear from behind me and know that this is something different.

I quickly glance at Tobias who looks entertained by the sudden appearance of my younger brother.

Jacob.

This won't be good.