8 3.3: A Bottle and A Brush (2/2)

Joshua's lips remain sealed, and for a second, I believe that this Joshua would've never verbally abused me. Would've never let me down.

His eyes are stern, glistening with stubborn tears, and his throat bobs up, and down occasionally as a thousand possible thoughts probably wrap themselves around his head. He seems unmoving. Even his chest won't rattle with his breaths.

So I wonder if Joshua's suffocating himself. If his problems are suffocating him as they did me.

Fun fact: I've tried killing myself by simply commanding myself not to breathe. I did manage to hold my breath for a good while, but I figured breathing is involuntary. And really, it does take more than yourself to stop breathing.

But I don't think Joshua's suffocating himself. He isn't me. He doesn't have a deprived social status. He doesn't compete with his sister. He doesn't deal with the loneliness I'd taken as a soulmate.

And really I don't know what that means. What him still breathing means despite all of his problems? Does it really mean that he is just a spoiled brat with a mean father? Or does it mean that he isn't as superficial as I think he is, and he has simply learnt how to float with his demons?

I sigh, and David steps even closer to him.

”I never forgave you-” He whispers loudly, baring his teeth. ”Never did. Never will-”

Joshua looks up and blinks at the ceiling. He then looks down again, and very slowly he says, ”I no longer care. It's time you slept, Papa, and woke up to the reality where you know that I've changed, and really don't care-” David's smirk falls, and I lift my eyebrows at how grown up Joshua sounds. ”And Selena won't give you shit. Her money. You have no say-”

”I have no say?” David says incredulously. ”After all those years I've spent bringing you up. All that money I've spent on you-” He shakes his head. ”You, son-” David pokes his index finger in Joshua's chest. ”-disgust me-” He then drops what remains of the bottle before taking Joshua's collar in his hands, and pulling him closer.

Joshua stumbles forward but stops himself from collapsing in his father's chest. His chest is heaving up, and down erratically, and his neck is taut and red. It completely contradicts his calm facial expression.

”I don't care if you don't care-” David yelps, his spit flying everywhere. ”You destroyed my life! You deserve every terrible thing that happens to you, boy. And you deserve the pain you feel when you hear those very same words every day-” He then pushes him away, and Selena backs off.

Joshua stills, shoulders tensed, and eyes widened. He then looks over his shoulder, and says, ”Leave, Selena. Get back to your room, and lock yourself-”

Selena seems to be relieved to have orders to follow.

”She ain't going-” David starts reaching for her, but Joshua lifts his fists, and uses them to pin his father in his place. His calm demeanour disappears and is replaced by a hostile one.

Selena quickly leaves the scene, and a door bang indicates that she's safe from that monster.

Joshua lets him go, and David laughs, adjusting his shirt. ”You know I ain't leavin' her alone, eh?”

Joshua runs a hand all over his face, looking very exasperated. ”Okay, stop!” He breathes out. ”Stop, okay?” He then reaches deep in his sweatpants pockets and takes out a few bills before throwing them at his father's feet. ”Fucking hell just...just leave her alone-” He whispers defeatedly, his shoulders dropping.

David bends down to collect the bills, and Joshua is so completely revolted. I am so completely revolted.

”Aye, aye-” David mocks as he counts the bills. ”I'll let her be-” He then locks eyes with his son. ”But only for t'day. Or-” He grins, showing his blackening teeth. ”Or only 'till I'm back-”

Joshua scowls, and I watch, confused, as David uses his feet to scatter the glass shards before leaving the house.

Joshua looks beaten yet relieved. He sighs heavily, pushing back his hair with a hand before holding his hips. He looks upward and shuts his eyes. I step closer to him so that I am just a few inches away from his chest, and sigh, wondering how is all that supposed to make me feel bad about killing myself.

Joshua lowers his head, and stares at me- oh sorry, no, I mean at the glass I'm currently floating on- but I'll give myself the pleasure of this little attention I'm getting. His face's rough, and it's almost heartbreaking that I still remember how it feels under my fingers.

Joshua then backs away before rounding a corner and getting a broomstick. I watch him gather the glass, and discard it. I watch him lean back on a wall, and slide down, pulling his knees to his chest. He sniffs loudly before resting his head on the wall. He looks deeply disturbed and exhausted.

Joshua and I broke up two months ago on a thunderous night. He showed up in my room, looking really messed up in ripped pants, and injured forearm wrapped in a bandage. He gave me no reason, but I just figured that I bored him. He started insulting me, using all the insecurities I had shared with him against me.

I didn't understand. He broke my heart left and right, then left me. I, of course, broke into his room that night and wasted all his paint on him.

I wonder, however, about what could've happened in those two months that would give him those deep creases between his eyebrows, and those deeply bitten lips? I mean, should I worry? Last I remember, Joshua's social status in school didn't change. In fact, it only keeps rising.

I stare at Joshua and shake my head. I obviously don't understand what he and his father were discussing with such intensity, and hatred, but I can tell that it has a great effect on him. I can also tell that the 'perfection' tuxedo he wears at school is nothing more than a cover from people's prying eyes. A cover to his fragile, fucked-up self.

I lift my chin and smirk. I shouldn't feel as bad as people believe I should for being 'ditched' by Joshua David Philips. It turns out that Joshua is pretty much a loser too.

”Josh!” Someone- Selena- screams from on top of the staircase, startling Joshua, and breaking the train of my thoughts.

Joshua jumps to his feet with parted lips, and wide, anticipating eyes. ”Selene, wha-?”

Selena almost trips over the last stairs before standing before us and panting. Her eyes are wide and bloodshot, and her lips are frowning. She stares at her freaked out, previously-crying brother, and shakes her head.

”What, Selena-?” Joshua asks cautiously. ”Papa-?”

”You haven't- You haven't heard?” She breathes out.

Joshua subtly shakes his head and narrows his eyes.

”It's all over facebook!” She cries out, and I back away in dread. I know what's coming for him. Joshua is already having a terrible day. Oh no.

”It's-it's Rose-” She whispers, and I bite my lips, feeling terrible that this worn-out Joshua has to be the recipient of this message instead of the cocky, asshole one.

”Roseline?” Joshua seems taken aback that my name has come up. ”What about her?”

Selena sniffs, and Joshua studies her intensely. He then tilts his head a bit before he starts shaking it.

”No, no, no-” He starts, gulping, his back hitting the wall.

”She slit her wrists, Josh. Her parents found her last night in a tub of her blood-”

I flinch and close my eyes. What have I done?