Part 4 (1/2)

My wife was gone.

Dead.

Just like that, within the blink of an eye.

I loved her to death. She was half of me-the reason I kept breathing so long ago. She was part of the reason I still stood on this earth, her and my daughter.

I slowly spiraled that night, considering myself a complete f.u.c.k-up. A low-life. A f.u.c.king idiot.

Only idiot thirty-eight-year olds f.u.c.ked nineteen year olds.

Only f.u.c.k-ups spiraled so hard and so fast that they saw nothing but a blur and soon ended up pa.s.sing out in the garage.

Only a low-life would have the audacity to come onto such a sweet, innocent girl. A girl who so clearly wanted to help me get through this pain. This harsh, unbearable pain. Only a fool would end up taking something that sacred away from her, like it didn't even matter.

But it mattered a lot.

The ache that I had was there, but the crazy thing about it was I lost sight of all losses while she was around. All the pain, all the suffering, and all the hurt just seemed to disappear. While I was buried deep in that tight, mind-blowing p.u.s.s.y, all agony faded. While I held that sweet, young girl close, feeling as she accepted me-took me whole, inch by savory f.u.c.king inch, it was gone. All gone.

She had wanted me for years. I could tell when someone was interested, but the thing about her was she didn't put it on display for everyone to see. h.e.l.l, I don't even know how I figured it out.

Chloe had always had a thing for me, and perhaps my bantering and teasing her as she grew didn't help get rid of those feelings. If anything, I'd only enhanced them, making her wonder. Making her dream... question.

I was trying to play it cool, but I never had to become someone else while she was around. She accepted us. She understood us. She understood me. She was an amazing person, but just like that, I'd stolen her innocence and filled her with guilt and a spill of my own darkness.

It was a curse, the darkness. It always snuck up on me somehow. Right when I thought I was doing well, it would show up, stealing all the goodness away from me. The blackness would seep through me, ruining my life, turning me into someone I couldn't stand to look at.

”f.u.c.k!” I barked, rising to my feet. I watched the mirror, how my chest heaved and my body dripped with prohibited sweat. I couldn't stand what I saw. The dark circles around my eyes from weeks of depression, the way my eerie reflection stared back at me, almost taunting. Laughing. Mocking.

Growling, I rushed forward and punched the mirror on the wall. The gla.s.s shattered, pieces falling apart and dropping just like my heart did the night Janet died. Trickles of blood formed from deep cuts on my balled fists. It sucked because I felt nothing, and all I wanted to do was feel-feel something. Feel anything. Feel her... the sweet, beautiful girl.

But Chloe... no.

My head shook as I glared at my scattered reflection, eyes dark and lips thin. I couldn't touch her again, no matter how hard it would be. This would change everything between us-all we'd established. The bond we'd created over the years. All of it was now gone. Flushed away like it never existed.

Although she may have wanted it, Chloe wasn't the type to come running to me, begging for more. She was the type to sit around and wait for me to speak up and make a move no matter how awkward she felt about previous actions. And she was too smart to inform Izzy... f.u.c.k, Izzy. I hoped she never found out.

She liked me, and I liked how she made me feel like I wasn't a total f.u.c.king loser. As badly as I would have loved to keep going, make her mine by taking her over and over again in every possible way, I just couldn't do that to her. I should have paid attention. I should've taken notice of the pain that ran across her face when I first entered, how she held me tight, nails biting flesh.

She deserved better than having to deal with my brokenness, a man with no self-control-no guidance. A man with a dark past and an even darker heart. That was my mistake, leading her on like that, taking from her what so clearly didn't justify being mine.

Sad, I couldn't even hold it in anymore. My c.o.c.k throbbed hard when I saw it was her head that was between my legs, pulling my boots from my feet in a gesture not even meant to spark l.u.s.t. He'd been begging me more and more to make a move whenever she made an appearance. The first few nights, I did pretty well, controlling my raging hormones, but that fourth, fateful night took a turn on us.

She wanted me. She knew better, but she wanted me to take her raw on that bed. Help me forget for just a little while. Allow me to remember that there were still options. I felt horrible f.u.c.king Chloe on the bed I shared with a wife that hadn't even been dead for a year, but I couldn't help myself.

I had to claim it. I had to show her that she wasn't the only one feeling those urges, wondering about the maybes and the what ifs. She needed to know that I, Theo Black, was far from a saint, and that I constantly had some wicked thoughts about her.

She needed to know... I just wanted to show her... that's understandable, right? Right?

f.u.c.king moron, my heart whispered.

f.u.c.king champ, my c.o.c.k chanted.

I don't even f.u.c.king know, my helpless mind murmured.

s.h.i.+t. I had no clue what to think anymore.

FOUR.

Theo didn't come home the following night. No loud, angry music. No metal tools clanking around. No empty gla.s.ses slamming on the concrete. Just peace and quiet. It felt strange.

I didn't like it.

I wondered where he was, what he was doing, or worse-if he was still alive.

The question of him being alive was shortly answered when I heard the grumble of his motorcycle. The growl came to a hush, engine shutting off, and I dropped my book, uncrossed my legs, and narrowed my eyes as I walked towards the window.

Looking out, I watched as he stumbled towards the door, pulling out his key and struggling to stick it into the lock. My window was cracked, so I heard him curse beneath his breath as he tried getting it in. I rolled my eyes. At least he hadn't pa.s.sed out again. He'd gone elsewhere to get drunk. Maybe he did understand me last night.

Finally, he was inside, and I was relieved. I shut my window and locked it, walking back to my leather recliner in the corner and returning to my book. I was curious about what he was doing, though. Thinking about him distracted me from devouring the romance novel I'd just bought.

I shut the book, blowing out a heavy puff of breath as I climbed out of the recliner and entered my bathroom. I took a long shower, tossed on a large black T-s.h.i.+rt, and climbed into bed, shutting the lamp off.

Moments later, as I lay in darkness, my phone buzzed on the nightstand. It was a text from Izzy.

Izzy: My dad isn't answering his phone. Is he okay?

I responded quickly.

Me: He's fine. Just saw him getting home. I'm sure he'll call.

Izzy: Ok. Good. I was a little worried. Keep an eye on him, will u?

I struggled between a true laugh and a scoff. Yeah, I thought. I've been doing that all d.a.m.n summer.

Me: I will.

Izzy: Thanks, Chlo. Ur the best.

I started to ask her how the college life was going, but my mind changed within the same moment. I wasn't up for chatting, not after feeling like I'd betrayed her. I couldn't believe I still hadn't told her what was going on. She deserved the truth, even if that meant losing her.

I just couldn't imagine her reaction.

I'd seen Izzy angry, sad, depressed, happy, content, and even confused, but I wasn't sure what I'd get if word got out that I'd messed around with her dad. Ignoring my guilt, I shut my eyes and curled up beneath the blanket, drifting off to sleep.

The next day, around dusk, I went for a jog at the neighborhood park. Stress had been eating away at me. I was done packing for school and tired of being cooped up in the house. With Izzy gone, I had no one to hang with, so I slid into some jogging pants and a tank, tied my hair up, and was out of the door in seconds, my earphones wedged in my ears.