Part 27 (2/2)
”But my marriage will never get better as long as I keep running back here.”
When her mother left the room, Kari stared into the mirror and realized something she hadn't before. For all her determination to save her marriage, for all her faith and ideals, this morning the facts were painfully clear.
She was no better than Tim. They were both unfaithful now, weren't they?
After being with Ryan, after picturing his face even this morning while she was making plans to reunite with Tim, the simple fact was this: The tears she'd shed the night before were not for her husband's faithlessness.
They were for a man she'd loved since she was a young girl, and for all she'd left behind on a familiar lakesh.o.r.e near Bloomington, Indiana.
Tim Jacobs woke up on the floor of the bathroom close to the toilet. He had no idea how long he'd been there and only dim memories of the night before.
Everything about his life was a nightmare. And all of it-the 240 whole messy situation-seemed to culminate in the emptying of his stomach hours earlier.
Why he had allowed it to come to this, he had no idea. But he knew one thing for sure. He was finished. Finished with the lies, finished with the cheating. And if he had any luck at all, finished with the bottle.
Maybe that's why he'd had so much to drink the night before. He'd told himself the only way to get the alcohol out of his system at this point was to consume as much as possible and get an honest taste for what it was doing to him.
It had done that, all right.
Look at you, Tim Jacobs. You're a loser. Pathetic. Kari wouldn't take you back now. Who are you kidding? You're the worst example of a”
”I know!” Tim shouted at himself.
He sank back against the bathroom wall and tried to clear his head. What time was it anyway? What day was it? He looked over and saw Kari's wedding portrait leaning against the tub; he must have carried it there last night. ”Where are you, sweetheart?” he whispered. ”What're you doing without me?”
Tim thought about his plan. He would get up, shower, get dressed, and call Kari at her parents' house. Then he'd tell her he wanted to move back home, once and for all. By evening they'd be together, and he would explain how sorry he was, how crazy he'd been to ever leave.
It wouldn't be easy to tell Angela good-bye. He still had feelings for her, and he didn't want to hurt her. But the whole affair had been a bad choice to begin with, and he was desperately sorry about it.
Kari and the baby and a normal life-that's all he wanted now. A life like the two of them had shared before he left.
He could still have it, he thought; it wasn't too late. He'd tell Kari that his cheating days were over and that he wanted to meet with Pastor Mark, get involved with church again. He could do it.
241 Because the truth he now saw so clearly-was that he still loved his wife. He had no doubts.
When he looked at his life and thought hard about when he'd been the happiest, Kari's face came to mind time and time and time again. She was beautiful and trusting and kind and compa.s.sionate and ... there was no one like Kari. There never would be. More than anything else, Tim wanted them to be together again.
But where was she last evening?
A disturbing thought had come to him last night after talking with Kari's mother. The woman had been so vague about Kari's whereabouts, mumbling something about her being ”out with friends.”
Fear mingled with the leftover nausea, and Tim wondered again why he couldn't get the suspicion out of his mind. It was insane, really. Paranoid.
But there was this bit of reality: Ryan Taylor was back in town. According to the sports pages, he was coaching at Clear Creek High School-not far from where Kari's parents lived. Kari had once been in love with Ryan, after all. Maybe she still had feelings for him.
He blinked. What if they had run into each other and-? Jealousy clawed at Tim's gut even as he realized his own hypocrisy. Did he really believe Kari would cheat on him with Ryan Taylor? And could he really blame her if she did? He closed his eyes and pictured Kari in the living room the last time he'd seen her, the afternoon when he moved out. She had cried, but even then she'd been willing to work on their relations.h.i.+p. She believed in marriage, in G.o.d's plan for marriage, and despite the way he'd failed her, she believed in him.
And because of that, she could not possibly have been with Ryan last night. If he knew Kari at all, he knew that much. Daylight streamed through the bathroom window, and he inched himself up until he was on his feet. His eyes cleared some as he stared into the mirror. There was a red mark on the right 242 side of his face from the toilet seat. He leaned back, scrutinizing his appearance.
Very attractive. Very scholarly.
Cold water. That's what he needed. He flipped on the faucet and splashed his face, rinsing the rancid taste out of his mouth left over from the night before.
G.o.d, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I've stayed away so long.
It was the first time in months he'd prayed, but once the words penetrated his heart, a floodgate opened, and tears filled Tim's eyes. Then and there in the bathroom, he knew the worst days of his life were behind him. Kari would forgive him, and together they would move forward, make a home for their baby, and grow from the darkness of these days.
This time it would be up to him. He stared himself straight in the eyes and nodded with more determination than he'd ever felt in his lifetime. What Kari needed was a stronger Tim Jacobs. A man who knew what he wanted in his marriage and had a way to make it happen. A man willing to humbly come back to G.o.d, the way he should have done long ago.
”This is your day, Tim Jacobs. Everything's different from now on.”
And with that he dried his face and walked gingerly downstairs to the kitchen and filled the coffeemaker. While the coffee was brewing, he opened the refrigerator and poured himself a gla.s.s of orange juice. He was crossing the kitchen toward the telephone when he saw the half bottle of Jack Daniels he'd brought there the night before.
He picked it up and headed for the sink. He had no need for a bottle in the house now, not since he'd be starting life over as a new man. But then it seemed a waste to dump the contents down the drain, especially when his head was pounding so hard that it seemed it might split in two right there on the kitchen floor.
In as much time as it took him to cross to the sink, he revised his plan. He'd have a few shots of Jack Daniels in his orange juice and then call Kari. That way he'd be more relaxed and ready to 243 talk. A little ”hair of the dog” couldn't hurt; he didn't have cla.s.ses on Monday.
Once that bottle was gone, he'd never drink again. Not ever. He tipped the bottle to pour the whiskey into his gla.s.s of orange juice, then changed his mind and brought the bottle to his lips and took a long swig. ”Aaah.” He shook his head. ”Good morning, Tim. It's a brand-new day! Yes, sir.”
He raised the bottle and took another drink. And another and another and another.
An hour pa.s.sed before he remembered the phone call he was supposed to make to Kari. By then he was having trouble understanding why they'd installed three telephones on the kitchen wall when one would have done quite nicely.
244 244.
245.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO.
FOUR TIMES THAT MORNING Kari tried to reach Tim at the office, but when he didn't answer, she decided to pack her things, go home, and face her future. In the deepest places of her heart she had no choice but to leave memories of Ryan Taylor in the past Where they belonged.
It was time to make things right with Tim, especially now that he had contacted Pastor Mark. That call and the one he'd made last night to her parents' house were the signs she'd been praying for, proof that Tim wanted another chance.
As Kari showered and dressed, two things weighed on her: guilt and a dawning realization.
It had been wrong to kiss Ryan, wrong to act as if time had not moved on since their last time together. The fact that she could justify her actions did not make them less wrong. No, the guilt did not surprise her. It was the growing realization of her own responsibility that made everything seem so different this morning.
Before last night, she had been convinced that Tim was the cause of their troubled marriage. But since waking from the 246 nightmare, she had been overcome with memories that suggested a slightly more balanced picture.
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