Part 4 (2/2)

_Mrs. Edwards._ ”You did, too, Robert Edwards. And I can prove it. If you will read back to the opening lines of this scene you will find that I have spoken the truth--unless you forgot your lines. If you admit that, I have nothing to say, but I will add that if you are going to forget lines that give the key-note of the whole situation, you've got no business in a farce. You'll make the whole thing fall flat some day, and then you will be discharged.”

_Mr. Edwards._ ”Well, I wish I might be discharged; I'm tired of the whole business. Anybody'd take me for an idiot, the way I have to go on.

Every bit of fun there is to be had in these farces is based upon some predicament into which my idiocy or yours gets me. Are we idiots? I ask you that. Are we? You may be, but, Mrs. Edwards, I am not. The idea of my falling asleep over _Ivanhoe_! Would I do that if I had my way? Well, I guess not! Would I even dare to say 'I guess not' in a magazine farce?

Again, I guess not. I'm going to write to the editor this very night, and resign my situation. I want to be me. I don't want to be what some author thinks I ought to be. Do you know what I think?”

_Mrs. Edwards_ (_warningly_). ”Take care, Robert. Take care. You aren't employed to think.”

_Mr. Edwards._ ”Precisely. That's what makes me so immortally mad. The author doesn't give me time to think. I could think real thoughts if he'd let me, but then! The curtain wouldn't stay up half a second if I did that; and where would the farce be? The audience would go home tired, because they wouldn't get their nap if the curtain was down. It's hard luck; and as for me, I wouldn't keep the position a minute if I could get anything else to do. n.o.body'd give me work, now that I've been made out to be such a confounded jacka.s.s. But let's talk of other things.”

_Mrs. Edwards._ ”I'd love to, Robert--but we can't. There are no other things in the farce. The Billises are coming.”

_Mr. Edwards._ ”Hang the Billises! Can't we ever have an evening to ourselves?”

_Mrs. Edwards._ ”How you do talk! How can we? There's got to be some action in the farce, and it's the Billis family that draws out our peculiarities.”

_Mr. Edwards._ ”Well, I'm going out, and you can receive the Billises, and if it's necessary for me to say anything to give go to the play, you can say it. I make you my proxy.”

_Mrs. Edwards._ ”It can't be done, Robert. They are here. The bell rang ten minutes ago, and they ought to have got in here five minutes since.

You can't go out without meeting them in the wings--I mean the hallway.”

_Mr. Edwards._ ”Lost!”

_Enter_ MR. _and_ MRS. BILLIS.

_Billis._ ”Ah, Edwards! Howdy do? Knew you were home. Saw light in--”

_Mrs. Billis._ ”Don't rattle on so, my dear. Speak more slowly, or the farce will be over before nine.”

_Billis._ ”I've got to say my lines, and I'm going to say them my way.

Ah, Edwards! Howdy do? Knew you were home. Saw light in window. Knew your economical spirit. Said to myself must be home, else why gas? He doesn't burn gas when he's out. Wake up--”

_Mr. Edwards._ ”I'm not asleep. Fact is, I am going out.”

_Mrs. Billis._ ”Out?”

_Mrs. Edwards._ ”Robert!”

_Mr. Edwards._ ”That's what I said--out. _O-u-t._”

_Billis._ ”Not bad idea. Go with you. Where to?”

_Mr. Edwards._ ”Anywhere--to find a tragedy and take part in it. I'm done farcing, my boy.”

_Billis_ (_slapping_ Edwards _on back_). ”Rah! my position exactly. I'm sick of it too. Come ahead. I know that fellow Whoyt--he'll take us in and give us a chance.”

_Mrs. Billis._ ”I've been afraid of this.”

_Mrs. Edwards._ ”Robert, consider your family.”

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