Part 9 (1/2)
It is strange that boys will always say _feller_ and _fust-rate_.
Little Pickle was not, however, idle in his way. While we were studying white fingers, brown eyes, and transparencies, he had cut out a sled, a wheel-barrow, and manufactured a dancing-pea. The latter he made by running a pin half way through a pea, one end of which he stuck into a broken piece of tobacco-pipe. He then threw his head back till the tobacco-pipe attained a perpendicular position, when he commenced blowing, which made the pea dance in the air in the most amusing manner for nearly a minute. The mode of arranging the pea, as well as of using it, is ill.u.s.trated in the accompanying sketch.
[Ill.u.s.tration]
He likewise horrified us all by suddenly appearing with a hideous double row of protruding yellow teeth, which he coolly dropped into the palm of his hand, when he thought our feelings had been sufficiently outraged.
”They are only made of orange-peel,” he explained. ”You just cut a slit there, and notch them along like that, and then put them into your mouth.”
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Now, in order to convey to your mind, dear reader, the method of constructing this ornament, shall we tell you to cut an elliptical piece of orange, and then make a longitudinal incision here, with transverse incisions there, etc., etc.? No, we will not; we will fall back to our old friend the diagram, and if you cannot make yourself a set of false teeth after that, then remain in heathen darkness on all matters of dentistry, as you deserve. Cut a piece of orange-peel in the shape represented, and at the foot of the preceding diagram you will see how they look when you put them on.
[Ill.u.s.tration: Diagram No. 2.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Diagram No. 3.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Diagram No. 4.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Diagram No. 5.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Diagram No. 6.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Diagram No. 7.]
CHAPTER XIV.
A friend of ours, who is an ardent admirer of that great humorist of the plains, Artemus Ward, has recently been edifying a large circle of private friends with imitations of the celebrated showman. He has had a wig and false nose made expressly for this entertainment, by the aid of which adjuncts he succeeds in establis.h.i.+ng quite a respectable resemblance to the grand original, as may be seen by his portrait, which we have taken the trouble to get engraved.
Most of the jokes are those of Artemus repeated from memory. The more sober ones, we fancy, are original. The lecture runs thus:
”LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:--Having recently paid a visit to Salt Lake City, the great Mormon capital, I think a short lecture on the subject may prove instructive as well as amusing. Although I appear before you with the cap and bells, I would have you understand that when I speak of matters of fact I shall confine myself strictly to the truth. You may, therefore, rely upon all I shall tell you concerning the Mormons as being strictly true.
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”When on the dock preparatory to start on my voyage, I found myself surrounded by a large concourse of people, who seemed perfectly willing that I should go. 'Go along,' they said, 'old feller, and stay as long as you please.' I would like you to take a good look at the n.o.ble vessel in which I sailed (pointing to a crude delineation of a steams.h.i.+p), because, if you ever go to California, travel by some other boat.
”When we were fairly out at sea, I observed that many of the pa.s.sengers ran frequently to look over the side of the vessel--to see if there were any dolphins alongside, I presume. One young couple sitting near me, newly married and very haggard, talked earnestly together. I could not avoid hearing a part of their conversation.
”'Oh, Julia,' said the gentleman, 'you are very n.o.ble; you have thrown up society, friends, everything for me.'
”'Do not say a word, Alfred,' replied the young lady; 'you have thrown up more than I have.'
”It was very touching, for they certainly threw up a great deal between them.
”In San Francisco I delivered an oration. It was not, perhaps, equal to Cicero's, but still I think--I don't know--but I think if old Cis had heard it he would have been astonished. I delivered an oration to the soldiers once. They were much delighted--very much delighted indeed--so delighted, in fact, that they come dooced near shooting me.
”The hotels on the road to Salt Lake City are, as a rule, inferior to our leading ones in New York. At one of them they gave me a sack of oats for a pillow. That night I had nightmares. I suppose they were attracted by the oats. The next morning the landlord asked me how I was, _old hoss_! I replied that I felt my oats!