Part 42 (1/2)
”The utmost offence which has been proved against me is a few bold words, producing consequences as unexpected as illogical. If the stupid ferocity with which my words were misunderstood, as by a horde of savages rather than Englishmen;--if the moral and physical condition of these prisoners at my side;--of those witnesses who have borne testimony against me, miserable white slaves, miscalled free labourers;--ay, if a single walk through the farms and cottages on which this mischief was bred, affords no excuse for one indignant sentence--”
There she was! There she had been all the time--right opposite to me, close to the judge--cold, bright, curious--smiling! And as our eyes met, she turned away, and whispered gaily something to a young man who sat beside her.
Every drop of blood in my body rushed into my forehead; the court, the windows, and the faces, whirled round and round, and I fell senseless on the floor of the dock.
I next recollect some room or other in the gaol, Mackaye with both my hands in his; and the rough kindly voice of the gaoler congratulating me on having ”only got three years.”
”But you didn't show half a good pluck,” said some one. ”There's two on 'em transported, took it as bold as bra.s.s, and thanked the judge for getting 'em out 'o this starving place 'free gracious for nothing,” says they.”
”Ah!” quoth the little attorney, rubbing his hands, ”you should have seen * * * * and * * * * after the row in '42! They were the boys for the Bull Ring! Gave a barrister as good as he brought, eh, Mr. Mackaye? My small services, you remember, were of no use, really no use at all--quite ashamed to send in my little account. Managed the case themselves, like two patriotic parties as they were, with a degree of forensic acuteness, inspired by the consciousness of a n.o.ble cause--Ahem! You remember, friend M.? Grand triumphs those, eh?”
”Ay,” said Sandy, ”I mind them unco weel--they cost me a' my few savings, mair by token; an' mony a braw fallow paid for ither folks' sins that tide.
But my puir laddie here's no made o' that stuff. He's ower thin-skinned for a patriot.”
”Ah, well--this little taste of British justice will thicken his hide for him, eh?” And the attorney chuckled and winked. ”He'll come out again as tough as a bull dog, and as surly too. Eh, Mr. Mackaye?--eh?”
”'Deed, then, I'm unco sair afeard that your opeenion is no a'thegither that improbable,” answered Sandy with a drawl of unusual solemnity.
CHAPTER x.x.x.
PRISON THOUGHTS.
I was alone in my cell.
Three years' imprisonment! Thirty-six months!--one thousand and ninety-five days--and twenty-four whole hours in each of them! Well--I should sleep half the time: one-third at least. Perhaps I should not be able to sleep!
To lie awake, and think--there! the thought was horrible--it was all horrible. To have three whole years cut out of my life, instead of having before me, as I had always as yet had, a mysterious Eldorado of new schemes and hopes, possible developments, possible triumphs, possible bliss--to have nothing, nothing before me but blank and stagnation, dead loss and waste: and then to go out again, and start once more where I had left off yesterday!
It should not be! I would not lose these years! I would show myself a man; they should feel my strength just when they fancied they had crushed me utterly! They might bury me, but I should rise again!--I should rise again more glorious, perhaps to be henceforth immortal, and live upon the lips of men. I would educate myself; I would read--what would I not read? These three years should be a time of sacred retirement and contemplation, as of Thebaid Anchorite, or Mahomet in his Arabian cave. I would write pamphlets that should thunder through the land, and make tyrants tremble on their thrones! All England--at least all crushed and suffering hearts--should break forth at my fiery words into one roar of indignant sympathy. No--I would write a poem; I would concentrate all my experience, my aspirations, all the hopes, and wrongs, and sorrows of the poor, into one garland of thorns--one immortal epic of suffering. What should I call it? And I set to work deliberately--such a thing is man--to think of a t.i.tle.
I looked up, and my eye caught the close bars of the little window; and then came over me, for the first time, the full meaning of that word--Prison; that word which the rich use so lightly, knowing well that there is no chance, in these days, of there ever finding themselves in one; for the higher cla.s.ses never break the laws--seeing that they have made them to fit themselves. Ay, I was in prison. I could not go out or come in at will. I was watched, commanded at every turn. I was a brute animal, a puppet, a doll, that children put away in a cupboard, and there it lies.
And yet my whole soul was as wide, fierce, roving, struggling as ever.
Horrible contradiction! The dreadful sense of helplessness, the crus.h.i.+ng weight of necessity, seemed to choke me. The smooth white walls, the smooth white ceiling, seemed squeezing in closer and closer on me, and yet dilating into vast inane infinities, just as the merest knot of mould will transform itself, as one watches it, and nothing else, into enormous cliffs, long slopes of moor, and spurs of mountain-range. Oh, those smooth white walls and ceilings! If there had but been a print--a stain of dirt--a cobweb, to fleck their unbroken ghastliness! They stared at me, like grim, impa.s.sive, featureless formless fiends; all the more dreadful for their sleek, hypocritic cleanliness--purity as of a saint-inquisitor watching with spotless conscience the victim on the rack. They choked me--I gasped for breath, stretched out my arms, rolled shrieking on the floor--the narrow chequered glimpse of free blue sky, seen through the window, seemed to fade dimmer and dimmer, farther and farther off. I sprang up, as if to follow it--rushed to the bars, shook and wrenched at them with my thin, puny arms--and stood spell-bound, as I caught sight of the cathedral towers, standing out in grand repose against the horizontal fiery bars of sunset, like great angels at the gates of Paradise, watching in stately sorrow all the wailing and the wrong below. And beneath, beneath--the well-known roofs--Lillian's home, and all its proud and happy memories! It was but a corner of a gable, a sc.r.a.p of garden, that I could see beyond intervening roofs and trees--but could I mistake them? There was the very cedar-tree; I knew its dark pyramid but too well! There I had walked by her; there, just behind that envious group of chestnuts, she was now. The light was fading; it must be six o'clock; she must be in her room now, dressing herself for dinner, looking so beautiful! And as I gazed, and gazed, all the intervening objects became transparent and vanished before the intensity of my imagination. Were my poems in her room still? Perhaps she had thrown them away--the condemned rioter's poems! Was she thinking of me? Yes--with horror and contempt. Well, at least she was thinking of me.
And she would understand me at last--she must. Some day she would know all I had borne for love of her--the depth, the might, the purity of my adoration. She would see the world honouring me, in the day of my triumph, when I was appreciated at last; when I stood before the eyes of admiring men, a people's singer, a king of human spirits, great with the rank which genius gives, then she would find out what a man had loved her: then she would know the honour, the privilege of a poet's wors.h.i.+p.
--But that trial scene.
Ay--that trial scene. That cold unmoved smile!--when she knew me, must have known me, not to be the wretch which those hired slanderers had called me.
If she had cared for me--if she had a woman's heart in her at all, any pity, any justice, would she not have spoken? Would she not have called on others to speak, and clear me of the calumny? Nonsense! Impossible! She--so frail, tender, retiring--how could she speak? How did I know that she had not felt for me? It was woman's nature--duty, to conceal her feelings; perhaps that after all was the true explanation of that smile. Perhaps, too, she might have spoken--might be even now pleading for me in secret; not that I wished to be pardoned--not I--but it would be so delicious to have her, her, pleading for me! Perhaps--perhaps I might hear of her--from her! Surely she could not leave me here so close, without some token! And I actually listened, I know not how long, expecting the door to open, and a message to arrive; till, with my eyes riveted on that bit of gable, and my ears listening behind me like a hare's in her form, to catch every sound in the ward outside, I fell fast asleep, and forgot all in the heavy dreamless torpor of utter mental and bodily exhaustion.
I was awakened by the opening of my cell door and the appearance of the turnkey.
”Well, young man, all right again? You've had a long nap; and no wonder, you've had a hard time of it lately; and a good lesson, to you, too.”
”How long have I slept? I do not recollect going to bed. And how came I to lie down without undressing?”