Part 10 (1/2)
Such was my only study. I could not use it as such, however, at night without discovery; for my mother carefully looked in every evening, to see that my candle was out. But when my kind cough woke me, I rose, and creeping like a mouse about the room--for my mother and sister slept in the next chamber, and every sound was audible through the narrow part.i.tion--I drew my darling books out from under a board of the floor, one end of which I had gradually loosened at odd minutes, and with them a rushlight, earned by running on messages, or by taking bits of work home, and finis.h.i.+ng them for my fellows.
No wonder that with this scanty rest, and this complicated exertion of hands, eyes, and brain, followed by the long dreary day's work of the shop, my health began to fail; my eyes grew weaker and weaker; my cough became more acute; my appet.i.te failed me daily. My mother noticed the change, and questioned me about it, affectionately enough. But I durst not, alas!
tell the truth. It was not one offence, but the arrears of months of disobedience which I should have had to confess; and so arose infinite false excuses, and petty prevarications, which embittered and clogged still more my already overtasked spirit. About my own ailments--formidable as I believed they were--I never had a moment's anxiety. The expectation of early death was as unnatural to me as it is, I suspect, to almost all. I die? Had I not hopes, plans, desires, infinite? Could I die while they were unfulfilled? Even now, I do not believe I shall die yet. I will not believe it--but let that pa.s.s.
Yes, let that pa.s.s. Perhaps I have lived long enough--longer than many a grey-headed man.
There is a race of mortals who become Old in their youth, and die ere middle age.
And might not those days of mine then have counted as months?--those days when, before starting forth to walk two miles to the shop at six o'clock in the morning, I sat some three or four hours s.h.i.+vering on my bed, putting myself into cramped and painful postures, not daring even to cough, lest my mother should fancy me unwell, and come in to see me, poor dear soul!--my eyes aching over the page, my feet wrapped up in the bedclothes, to keep them from the miserable pain of the cold; longing, watching, dawn after dawn, for the kind summer mornings, when I should need no candlelight.
Look at the picture awhile, ye comfortable folks, who take down from your shelves what books you like best at the moment, and then lie back, amid prints and statuettes, to grow wise in an easy-chair, with a blazing fire and a camphine lamp. The lower cla.s.ses uneducated! Perhaps you would be so too, if learning cost you the privation which it costs some of them.
But this concealment could not last. My only wonder is, that I continued to get whole months of undiscovered study. One morning, about four o'clock, as might have been expected, my mother heard me stirring, came in, and found me sitting crosslegged on my bed, st.i.tching away, indeed, with all my might, but with a Virgil open before me.
She glanced at the book, clutched it with one hand and my arm with the other, and sternly asked,
”Where did you get this heathen stuff?”
A lie rose to my lips; but I had been so gradually entangled in the loathed meshes of a system of concealment, and consequent prevarication, that I felt as if one direct falsehood would ruin for ever my fast-failing self-respect, and I told her the whole truth. She took the book and left the room. It was Sat.u.r.day morning, and I spent two miserable days, for she never spoke a word to me till the two ministers had made their appearance, and drank their tea on Sunday evening: then at last she opened:
”And now, Mr. Wigginton, what account have you of this Mr. Mackaye, who has seduced my unhappy boy from the paths of obedience?”
”I am sorry to say, madam,” answered the dark man, with a solemn snuffle, ”that he proves to be a most objectionable and altogether unregenerate character. He is, as I am informed, neither more nor less than a Chartist, and an open blasphemer.”
”He is not!” I interrupted, angrily. ”He has told me more about G.o.d, and given me better advice, than any human being, except my mother.”
”Ah! madam, so thinks the unconverted heart, ignorant that the G.o.d of the Deist is not the G.o.d of the Bible--a consuming fire to all but His beloved elect; the G.o.d of the Deist, unhappy youth, is a mere self-invented, all-indulgent phantom--a will-o'-the-wisp, deluding the unwary, as he has deluded you, into the slough of carnal reason and shameful profligacy.”
”Do you mean to call me a profligate?” I retorted fiercely, for my blood was up, and I felt I was fighting for all which I prized in the world: ”if you do, you lie. Ask my mother when I ever disobeyed her before? I have never touched a drop of anything stronger than water; I have slaved over-hours to pay for my own candle, I have!--I have no sins to accuse myself of, and neither you nor any person know of any. Do you call me a profligate because I wish to educate myself and rise in life?”
”Ah!” groaned my poor mother to herself, ”still unconvinced of sin!”
”The old Adam, my dear madam, you see,--standing, as he always does, on his own filthy rags of works, while all the imaginations of his heart are only evil continually. Listen to me, poor sinner--”
”I will not listen to you,” I cried, the acc.u.mulated disgust of years bursting out once and for all, ”for I hate and despise you, eating my poor mother here out of house and home. You are one of those who creep into widows' houses, and for pretence make long prayers. You, sir, I will hear,”
I went on, turning to the dear old man who had sat by shaking his white locks with a sad and puzzled air, ”for I love you.”
”My dear sister Locke,” he began, ”I really think sometimes--that is, ahem--with your leave, brother--I am almost disposed--but I should wish to defer to your superior zeal--yet, at the same time, perhaps, the desire for information, however carnal in itself, may be an instrument in the Lord's hands--you know what I mean. I always thought him a gracious youth, madam, didn't you? And perhaps--I only observe it in pa.s.sing--the Lord's people among the dissenting connexions are apt to undervalue human learning as a means--of course, I mean, only as a means. It is not generally known, I believe, that our reverend Puritan patriarchs, Howe and Baxter, Owen and many more, were not altogether unacquainted with heathen authors; nay, that they may have been called absolutely learned men. And some of our leading ministers are inclined--no doubt they will be led rightly in so important a matter--to follow the example of the Independents in educating their young ministers, and turning Satan's weapons of heathen mythology against himself, as St. Paul is said to have done. My dear boy, what books have you now got by you of Mr. Mackaye's?”
”Milton's Poems and a Latin Virgil.”
”Ah!” groaned the dark man; ”will poetry, will Latin save an immortal soul?”
”I'll tell you what, sir; you say yourself that it depends on G.o.d's absolute counsel whether I am saved or not. So, if I am elect, I shall be saved whatever I do; and if I am not, I shall be d.a.m.ned whatever I do; and in the mean time you had better mind your own business, and let me do the best I can for this life, as the next is all settled for me.”
This flippant, but after all not unreasonable speech, seemed to silence the man; and I took the opportunity of running up-stairs and bringing down my Milton. The old man was speaking as I re-entered.
”And you know, my dear madam, Mr. Milton was a true converted man, and a Puritan.”
”He was Oliver Cromwell's secretary,” I added.