Part 34 (2/2)
Scowling, he went across to the fireplace and tossed a fresh log onto the fire, sending up a small cloud of red-hot embers.
He tapped a fist against his thigh, then turned again to face her. ”There must be a way to nullify that section of the divorce decree. Do you have a copy of the doc.u.ment?”
”Not here. My barrister has the original at his office. And there are others filed with Parliament and the courts, of course.”
”Well, I'm your new barrister from this moment forward. I'll find a way out of this for us. I know people, and my brothers know even more, especially Ned. I'll explain matters to him, see if it's possible for him to circulate a private bill in the Lords on your behalf.”
”I rather doubt the Duke of Clybourne will be eager to dirty his fingers with my old difficulties.”
He shot her a look. ”He will if I ask him to.”
”Don't. Please.” She sighed. ”If there is one thing my former husband is good at, it is getting his way. He took great pains to make sure I could not marry again, so I am certain whatever legalities the lawyers used to ensure his wishes, those terms are unbreakable.”
”Nothing is unbreakable.”
”This is. I accepted it long ago and you must now.”
”Well, I don't accept it.” He glared at her, raking a set of fingers through his hair. ”What I don't understand is, why are you not more upset? Why do you not want to fight this?”
She didn't answer. Instead, she hugged her arms to herself.
As he watched her, his chest tightened with an unexpected dread. ”You do want to marry me, don't you?”
The look she flashed him seemed almost helpless. ”Leo, I-”
”Is that it, Thalia?” he said, his voice growing louder, harder. ”Is it because you don't want to marry me? That you are relieved you have an excuse to say no?”
”No, I . . . I can't explain.”
”Try anyway.”
She shook her head. ”Let's just go back to the way things were before. We were happy.”
”Were we? So happy that I had to leave you here alone for Christmas? Happy that I can't openly claim you for my own? Can't introduce you to my family as the woman with whom I want to spend my life?”
”That's just the way it is. You knew how things would be between us when all this began.”
”But that was before I fell in love with you.” He went to her and wrapped his hands around her arms. ”We can't go back and I don't want to. Now tell me why you won't marry me. And not the legal reason this time,” he added when she opened her mouth to protest.
She closed it again and looked away.
”You said you loved me. Were you lying?”
”No,” she whispered.
”Then what is it? Make me understand.”
”It's because I do love you,” she told him on a trembling breath, ”that we can never have anything more than a temporary arrangement. I cannot allow you to waste your life on me.”
”Waste my life? What nonsense are you spouting?” he demanded.
”It's not nonsense. It's . . . it's . . .” She broke off as if choked by the words, the emotions.
”It's what? Tell me now before I explode.”
She looked away, her face awash with pain. ”I cannot give you children. I am barren. It's the reason Gordon got rid of me. Because he knew I would never be able to give him an heir.”
Thalia pushed her way free of his hold and walked across to stand in front of the fire. She was still so cold, as if her bones had turned to ice. A s.h.i.+ver raked through her, her chest aching with a pain so deep it felt ancient.
For this was indeed an old pain, a sorrow about which she tried never to think but that was with her constantly. It was like a quiet undertow, flowing and ever patient, as it waited to catch and pull her down when she least expected.
She would never be a mother.
She'd come to accept that fact years ago. Yet it haunted her still, lingering with an emptiness like the rooms of the third-floor nursery that would never know the clamor of tiny footsteps or the laughter of childish voices.
Another sort of quiet hung in the room, Leo's silence telling her everything she needed to know. She didn't look at him. She couldn't.
Then he stepped up behind her, laying his hands on her shoulders. ”I am sorry, Thalia. Are you quite sure? Sometimes it is the man-”
”No,” she said with a sharp shake of her head. ”I am very certain it is me. The last time I lost . . . the last time . . . the doctor said there would be no more. And there were not.”
”Lost?” he questioned softly. ”A child, you mean?”
”Children.” Just saying the word made her break a little more inside. ”I miscarried three times during the first four years of my marriage. Then nothing for a long while until . . . until . . .”
”Yes?”
She drew a ragged breath. ”I'm sorry, I cannot talk about it.” She shrugged against his light hold, trying to shake him off.
But rather than release her, he turned her and enfolded her in his arms. His lips moved over her hair, her forehead. ”Tell me.”
She shook her head again.
”Tell me,” he murmured soothingly. ”What happened that last time?”
Tell him? She'd never told anyone, not even Jane and Mathilda. How could she tell him? Yet maybe if she did, it would prove there was no hope and give him reason to move on.
Then again, she would have to explain about Gordon.
A heavy shudder went through her, memories rolling over her, black as the blackest of clouds.
”If I do tell you,” she said, ”you must promise to do nothing. I must have your word, as a gentleman, that you will take no action based on what you learn.”
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