Part 4 (2/2)

Lesson Three: Even your best friend can, and should, be ditched for a guy.

Which girl do you think Archie chooses more often-sweet, uncomplicated Betty or neurotic but s.e.xy Veronica? You guessed it.

Lesson Four: Men dig crazy.

The website admits that: ”Betty is extremely devoted to Archie, but sadly is most often playing second fiddle to her best friend Veronica for his affections. Through every crazy loving scheme to win Archie's love, Betty always remains completely unaffected, loyal and sweet.” Of course she does. How Betty of her. her best friend Veronica for his affections. Through every crazy loving scheme to win Archie's love, Betty always remains completely unaffected, loyal and sweet.” Of course she does. How Betty of her.

Lesson Five: Nice is a waste of time.

But here's something I never understood. Why do Betty and Veronica want Archie so much? He's not attractive. His hair is orange, parted in the middle, and he has cross-hatches for sideburns. His nose looks like a jellybean.

Lesson Six: Any boyfriend is better than no boyfriend at all.

Archie doesn't even have a good personality. He's not smart, and that's fine with him. The website doesn't apologize for the fact that he ”brings home average grades from school.” On the contrary, in all respects, Archie is a ”typical small town boy.”

Lesson Seven: Mediocrity rocks!

But Archie does have a ”good, solid family background.”

Lesson Eight: Learn to settle.

So, growing up, who did I want to be-Betty or Veronica? I'll tell the truth. I knew I was supposed to want to be Betty, but I secretly wanted to be Veronica.

Lesson Nine: It's okay to be superficial.

It didn't matter what Betty or Veronica wanted to be when they grew up. In the comics I remembered, they didn't want to be anything but with Archie. However, the website has more recently a.s.signed them career aspirations, because women have the vote now.

Lesson Ten: History can always be revised. If you remember it otherwise, you're wrong.

So, what are the career goals of these two? The site says, ”Veronica would someday like to run Lodge Enterprises.” Presumably that's her father's business, or a Mafia front. Knowing Veronica as I do, I wouldn't put it past her. Veronica could be an excellent crime lord if she'd stay out of Neiman Marcus.

Lesson Eleven: Nepotism is a fancy word for born winner.

Finally, what's Betty's career plan? ”Betty's goal is to become a famous writer.”

Lesson Twelve: Follow your dream, in case you're a Betty.

Ode to Parents of College-Age Kids

My baby bird, daughter Francesca, is home from college for the summer, and I thought it would be fun for you to hear from her. I hope the following will help my fellow parental units to see how our college-age kids (sorry, adults) see us. So, below is from Francesca: .

Now that I'm older, I imagined that living at home with my mother would be different. Not that it needed to change; we've always had the best relations.h.i.+p. I can honestly say that my mom is my best friend. But now that I'm twenty-one, I figured our dynamic would be more mature.

Not exactly.

My childhood nickname was Kiki, and my mom always had hundreds of nonsensical pet-names for me. The days of b.o.o.boo, Baby b.u.mpy, and Mocha JaMocha are over. Or so I thought.

We were in the shoe department, trying to be cool (we both inexplicably get dressed up to go to the mall) when my mom looked up from the sandals and said, ”Hey, b.u.mpy! Look at these!” I resorted to the oh-so-teenage, ”Mo-om.” We totally blew our grown-up cover.

Back home, one change in our interaction wasn't due to my my age, it was due to hers. She'd read that she should drink red wine for her heart, so one night, she poured herself a gla.s.s and offered me one, too. age, it was due to hers. She'd read that she should drink red wine for her heart, so one night, she poured herself a gla.s.s and offered me one, too.

This alone was a big step. My mother doesn't drink, and when I was younger, she decried the perils of alcohol with Prohibition-era ferocity. So, as she poured me a gla.s.s of wine, I felt as if we had turned a corner in our new, mature relations.h.i.+p.

I made sure to not drink more than one gla.s.s, but I wasn't the one who had to be worried. After just a few sips, she started up: ”Oh I feel it. I can feel it already. Can you feel it?” she asked, excitedly. And before my mom had even finished the gla.s.s, she was declaring, ”I'm drunk!” like a triumphant frat boy. My mom's night of boozing (still only one gla.s.s) quickly turned sour. She complained the whole night: ”Ugh, I have a headache from that wine. I'm sleepy from that wine. I can't sleep from that wine.” She required more post-party care than my freshman-year roommate.

Jeez, Mom, grow up.

But then, I'm not exactly the sophisticate I thought I'd be when it comes to our mother-daughter time. I'm embarra.s.sed to admit that there are still moments when I'm embarra.s.sed to be out with Mom. This is crazy, because she's great, and I love spending time with her. But even as a grown (or nearly) woman, the shadow of an insecure thirteen-year-old follows me around. Like last week, I persuaded my mom to see a movie at ten-thirty, because secretly I knew the theater would be less crowded then, and it would be less likely that someone I knew would catch me on date-night with Mom. As it happened, I did run into an old friend from high school who was there on an actual date. Busted.

But it's not just at the movies. Last week she gave me a ride to my doctor's appointment. I had a wart on my toe removed and also got the HPV vaccine, Gardasil. As we were checking out, my mom was being her usual friendly self, updating the receptionist on my life. It used to bother teenage-me when she shared the details of my life, but now I see it's just love. And anyway, what could she really say? also got the HPV vaccine, Gardasil. As we were checking out, my mom was being her usual friendly self, updating the receptionist on my life. It used to bother teenage-me when she shared the details of my life, but now I see it's just love. And anyway, what could she really say?

”Today she got that Gardasil shot and got rid of those nasty warts!” Mom chirped. I cringed.

My mother has a way with words.

But truly, I'm lucky that I feel so close to my mom. We can talk about anything-even s.e.x. In fact, it was her idea for me to get the HPV vaccine.

We've come a long way. When my mom was moving me out of my freshman year dorm, I was mortified that she found condoms in my nightstand. If that happened this year, it wouldn't matter. I'm old enough to know what's in a woman's nightstand is her business.

That's why I'm never, ever, looking in hers.

I'm not old enough.

Right, kid, now go empty the dishwasher.

What Francesca doesn't realize is that she'll always be my baby, no matter what age. But I have to admit, she's grown into an incredible young woman who is everything I hoped she would be: smart, strong, funny, and loving. As you can see, she does tell the truth.

And now, she's grounded.

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