Part 57 (1/2)

The summer had left spring far behind, when Gifford Woodhouse came to Ashurst.

He could not stay in Lockhaven; the tragedy of John Ward had thrown a shadow upon him. The people did not forget that he was Mrs. Ward's friend, and they made no doubt, the bolder ones said, that Lawyer Woodhouse was an infidel, too. So he decided to take an office in Mercer.

This would make it possible for him to come back to Ashurst every Sat.u.r.day, and be with his aunts until Monday.

Perhaps he did not know it, but Lockhaven shadows seemed deeper than they really were because Mercer was only twelve miles from Lois Howe.

Not that that could mean anything more than just the pleasure of seeing her sometimes. Gifford told himself he had no hope. He searched her occasional letters in vain for the faintest hint that she would be glad to see him. ”If there were the slightest chance of it,” he said, with a sigh, ”of course I'd know it. She promised. I suppose she was awfully attached to that puppy.”

However, in spite of hopelessness, he went to Mercer, and soon it became a matter of course that he should drop in at the rectory every Sunday, spending the evening with Helen after Dr. Howe and Lois had gone to church.

Helen never went. ”I cannot,” she said to Gifford once; ”the service is beautiful and stately, and full of pleasant a.s.sociations, but it is outside of my life. If I had ever been intensely religious, it would be different, I suppose,--I should care for it as a sacred past; but it was never more than pleasant. What I called my spiritual life had no reality to me. And now, surely, I cannot go, when I have no faith at all.”

”I think you will go, some day, Helen,” Gifford said thoughtfully; ”the pendulum has to swing very far away from the extreme which you have seen before the perfect balance comes. And I think you make a mistake when you say you have no faith. Perhaps you have no creed, but faith, it seems to me, is not the holding of certain dogmas; it is simply openness and readiness of heart to believe any truth which G.o.d may show.”

They were sitting on the porch at the rectory; the fragrant dusk of the garden was beginning to melt into trembling light as the moon rose, and the last flush of sunset faded behind the hills. Helen had a soft white wrap over her black dress, but Gifford had thought it was cool enough to throw a gray shawl across her feet; he himself was bareheaded, and sat on the steps, clasping his knees with his hands.

”Perhaps so,” Helen said, ”but I think I am like a person who walks along in the dark, yet looks toward the east. I will not comfort myself with little candles of memory or desire, and say, 'This is light!' Perhaps light will never come to my eyes, but I will wait, for I believe there is light somewhere.”

It was much for Helen to say this. No one had guessed what was behind her reserve on such subjects; perhaps no one had very greatly cared.

”Gifford!” she said suddenly. He looked up, surprised at her tone.

”Yes, Helen?”

”I wish,” she said, ”I wish you were as happy as you deserve to be.”

He knew what she meant, and would not repay her confidence by pretending not to understand. ”Well, I'm not as happy as I desire, perhaps, but no doubt I'm as happy as I deserve.”

”No,” she answered, ”you are not. And oh, Gifford, there is so much sorrow in the world, the only thing which makes life possible is love, because that is the only thing which does not change.”

”I am afraid it can never be for me,” he said, after a moment's silence, ”except the joy of giving love.”

”Why?” she asked gently.

Gifford did not speak; he rose, and began to pace up and down in front of the porch, crossing and recrossing the square of light which fell from the open hall door. ”I ought not to talk about it,” he said at last.

”I've got it down at the very bottom of my life, a sort of foundation stone on which to build n.o.ble things. Your words make it spring up into a whole palace of beauty; but it is in the air,--it is in the air! You know what I mean: it must always be giving with me; she will never care.

She never could, having loved once. And it is curious, Helen, but in a certain paradoxical way I'm content she shouldn't. She would not be the woman she is, if she could love twice.”

Helen smiled in the darkness. ”Gifford”--she began.

But he interrupted her, flinging his head back, in impatient despair.

”No, it cannot be, or it would have been, don't you see? Don't encourage me, Helen; the kindest thing you can do is to kill any hope the instant it shows its head. There was a time, I was fool enough to think--it was just after the engagement was broken. But I soon saw from her letters there was no chance for me.”

”But Gifford,”--Helen almost forgot to protect Lois, in her anxiety to help him,--”you must not think that. They were never engaged.”

Gifford stood still and looked at her; then he said something in a low voice, which she could not hear.

”I must not say another word,” she said hurriedly. ”I've no right even to speak as I did. But oh, Gifford, I could not see you lose a chance of happiness. Life is so short, and there is so much sorrow! I even selfishly wanted the happiness of your joy, for my own sake.”

Still Gifford did not speak; he turned sharply on his heel, and began his restless walk. His silence was getting unbearable, when he stopped, and said gently, ”I thank you, Helen. I do not understand it all, but that's no matter. Only, don't you see, it doesn't make any difference? If she had been going to care, I should have known it long ago.”