Part 39 (1/2)
”Let us part, Vera, if doubt is uppermost with you and you have no confidence in me, for in that fas.h.i.+on we cannot continue our meetings.”
”Yes, let us part rather than that you should exact a blind trust in you.
In my waking hours and in my dreams I imagine that there lies between us no disturbance, no doubt. But I don't understand you, and therefore cannot trust you.”
”You hide under your Aunt's skirts like a chicken under a hen, and you have absorbed her ideas and her system of morals. You, like Raisky, inshroud pa.s.sion in fantastic draperies. Let us put aside all the other questions untouched. The one that lies before us is simple and straightforward. We love one another. Is that so or not?”
”What does that lead to, Mark!”
”If you don't believe me, look around you. You have spent your whole life in the woods and fields, and do you learn nothing from what you see in all directions?” he asked, pointing to a swarm of flying pigeons, and to the nesting swallows. ”Learn from them; they deal in no subtleties!”
”Yes, they circle round their nests. One has flown away, probably in search of food.”
”When winter comes they will all separate.”
”And return in spring to the same nest.”
”I believe you when you talk reasonably, Vera. You felt injured by my rough manners, and I am making every effort. I have transformed myself to the old-fas.h.i.+oned pattern, and shall soon s.h.i.+ft my feet and smile when I make my bow like Tiet Nikonich. I don't give way to the desire to abuse or to quarrel with anybody, and draw no attention to my doings. I shall next be making up my mind to attend Ma.s.s, what else should I do?”
”You are in the mood for joking, but joking is not what I wanted,”
sighed Vera.
”What do you want me to do?”
”So far I have not even been able to persuade you to spare yourself for my sake, to cease your baptisms, to live like other people.”
”But if I act in accordance with my convictions?”
”What is your aim? What do you hope to do?”
”I teach fools.”
”Do you even know yourself what you teach, for what you have been struggling for a whole year? To live the life that you prescribe is not within the bounds of possibility. It is all very new and bold, but....”
”There we are again at the same old point. I can hear the old lady piping,” he laughed scornfully, pointing in the direction of the house.
”You speak with her voice.”
”Is that your whole answer, Mark? Everything is a lie; therefore, away with it! But the absence of any notion of what truth is to supersede the lies makes me distrustful.”
”You set reflexion above nature and pa.s.sion. You are n.o.ble, and you naturally desire marriage. But that has nothing to do with love, and it is love and happiness that I seek.”
Vera rose and looked at him with blazing eyes.
”If I wished only for marriage, Mark, I should naturally make another choice.”
”Pardon me, I was rude,” he said in real embarra.s.sment, and kissed her hand. ”But, Vera, you repress your love, you are afraid, and instead of giving yourself up to the pleasure of it you are for ever a.n.a.lysing.”
”I try to find out who and what you are, because love is not a pa.s.sing pleasure to me, but you look on it as a distraction.”
”No, as a daily need of life, which is no matter for jesting. Like Raisky, I cannot sleep through the long nights, and I suffer nervous torture that I could not have believed possible. You say you love me; that I love you is plain? But I call you to happiness and you are afraid....”