Part 34 (1/2)

”Perhaps. But my guess is that he/she doesn't want to deal with the heartache of having his/her heart poked. And for you to let him/her die proves that you care more about your evil ways than you do about him/her.”

”Shut up and die,” said Grysh, throwing a bolt of lightning at Randall. Her aim was a bit off, and the bolt struck Scar, turning her into a pile of dust that got all over Randall's clothes. ”Drat,” said the witch. ”That's the sixth time I've done that today. No, wait, the seventh.”

Another bolt of lightning formed in her hand. ”Say goodbye to your need for oxygen,” she said.

”You don't want to do that!” Randall told her.

”Yes I do.”

”No, really, you don't. Because if you fry me, my ashes will get mixed up with Scar's, and then when you return us to the flesh the s.e.xual ident.i.ty problems will be even more more complicated!” complicated!”

The lightning bolt in her hand vanished. ”You have a point. I hate that.”

”All right, time for yet another renegotiation. Bring the princess back to life...” he held his arm up to his mouth, ”...and I won't lick up these ashes.”

Grysh glared at him. ”Very well. You've won this round. I will return her to life, thus completing your quest. Give me the toenail. Berserker, I'm going to need you to stare slack-jawed at the floor for a moment. Where's the maiden breath?”

Yvonne stepped forward. ”Where should I breathe?”

”Oh, just breathing in general is good enough. That's all the materials ... let's get started.” She used her impressive magical abilities to bring the Princess Janice ashes into a pile in front of her, then stared into the crystal. ”Oh, great Crystal of Powerfulness, I bid thee ... unfry this woman and I won't ask for anything else for a while!”

A beam of white light shot from the crystal, striking the ashes. The ashes began to swirl around, making some neat patterns, soon moving into the shape of a body. There was a blinding flash of light, and then Princess Janice lay on the floor, her body restored. Still dead, but restored.

The onlookers applauded.

”Now, bring her back to life,” said Randall.

Grysh snapped her fingers. Princess Janice opened her eyes, just as Sir William rolled over and muttered something incomprehensible. Princess Janice also babbled something, and then both of them lost consciousness again.

”They might act a bit funny,” said Grysh. ”That's to be expected. They also might have found religion.”

She used the crystal again, and the ashes on Randall's clothing swirled around to form a body. After the flash of light, Romeoo lay on the floor. A snap of Grysh's fingers, and he sat up, then rolled his eyes into the back of his head and fell back down.

”I don't know how to thank you!” said Randall.

”Say 'thank you.'”

”Thank you.” Randall put his arms around Yvonne. ”I can't believe it. Everything worked out in the end!”

”Well,” said Jack, ”the princess never did get to Rainey kingdom, so really we could look at this as one big failure.”

”But I defeated the Dark One, which cancels out the fact that we failed in the princess escort. And I've found the bravery and leaders.h.i.+p skills hidden deep within myself.”

”And we found each other,” said Yvonne.

”Okay, the new romance adds some points on the success side,” said Jack, ”but the town of Warfield burned down, which is a negative, and the guard never did get his pony.”

”You're right,” said Randall, ”but the wise man at the top of the cliff became a better person because of me.”

”Where is he, anyway?” asked Jack. ”I kind of expected him to show up again at some point.”

”Ah, he wasn't that important,” said Randall. ”Overall, I think this whole adventure can be said to have a happy ending. And now I'm going to make it happier.” He got down on one knee. ”Yvonne, will you marry me?”

”Oh, I don't know ... do you really think our love can stand the trials and tribulations that result from such a brief courts.h.i.+p? We haven't even goosed each other yet.”

”We can make it work,” said Randall. ”We'll seek counseling if we need to, but we'll make it work.”

”I love you so much. Of course I'll marry you.”

Romeoo sat up again. ”Grysh, will you marry me as well?”

”No, but I'll live with you.”

”Good enough.” Romeoo managed to get to his feet, and they shared a kiss of pure pa.s.sion.

”Wanna watch a jousting match sometime?” Jack asked Toby.

”Sure. Why not?”

”I love everybody!” said Bug.

The flames of the forest died out, and the trees sprouted back up, green and covered with flowers in full bloom. The rabbit bounced back into the clearing, unharmed. The zombies shambled off, free at last.

It was a truly wonderful moment.

Chapter 27.

You Can Relax, It's Almost Over AS YVONNE entered the courtyard in her wedding gown, the band struck up a blues version of ”Here Comes the Bride.” She walked down the aisle, whispering ”Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot,” to keep herself on track. One of the guests stood up and began throwing rice.

”Not yet, you idiot!” snapped his wife, pulling him down.

Yvonne took her place next to Randall, and they exchanged smiles. Jack stood in his position as Best Man, wearing a s.h.i.+rt that read ”Marriage Sucks.”

The reverend cleared his throat, and addressed the gatherers. ”Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of these fine people. They have decided to get married. How long they'll stay that way is anyone's guess, since in these permissive times it seems like you get married, stick with it until you get a little bored, then hop over to the next spouse in line. Well, that just makes me sick!”

He cracked his knuckles, then continued. ”Whatever happened to morals? Whatever happened to marrying people you liked? Whatever happened to the days when somebody caught carrying around a scroll with s.m.u.tty pictures on it would feel ashamed? What's the matter with you people? Perverts, all of you! Shaaaaaaame on you!”

The wedding guests murmured agreement amongst themselves.

The reverend smiled at Yvonne. ”I understand the bride would like to read a poem to her love.”

Yvonne nodded and pulled a piece of paper out of her bodice. ”Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.”

Everyone sighed at the beauty of her words. Randall knew that this was a love that would survive for all eternity.

”So, Randall,” said the reverend, ”do you take Yvonne, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good moods and in PMS, 'till death do you part?”