Part 31 (1/2)
Jenstina....
The ogre....
Yanked!
”OW!” screamed Yvonne. ”d.a.m.n that hurt! Son of a b.i.t.c.h!” She began limping around the room, wincing with each step. ”Criminy! Ow, ow, ow! Freakin' c.r.a.p! Dang!” that hurt! Son of a b.i.t.c.h!” She began limping around the room, wincing with each step. ”Criminy! Ow, ow, ow! Freakin' c.r.a.p! Dang!”
”Are you okay, my love?” Randall asked.
”h.e.l.l no I'm not okay! That jerk pulled out my friggin' toenail! Ouch! Jeez, it stings like a b.a.s.t.a.r.d!”
”Here you go,” said the ogre, handing the toenail to Randall. ”It's a fine specimen. I don't suppose she'd let me have one for my collection?”
”Ow! Farkin' jeepers!”
”No,” said Randall, ”I wouldn't think so.”
POOF!.
Suddenly they were back in the lair of the Dark One.
”Excellent! You got it! That leaves only Shreddriff the Berserker.” The Dark One considered that. ”Do you think he'll misbehave? Should I have some guards ready to subdue him?”
”Might be a good idea,” said Randall. ”You never can tell with these berserkers.”
”Very well, it shall be done. Now, off with you!”
POOF!.
Suddenly they were on a small island out in the middle of the ocean. Across from them, maybe fifteen feet away, was another small island, containing a palm tree and little else. A man with long, wild hair and filthy rags for clothing stood upon the island, frantically scribbling something on a piece of bark. He rolled up the bark, shoved it into a bottle, then heaved the bottle as far as he could into the ocean. It promptly sank.
”Wooga wooga!” shouted the berserker in frustration. He fell to his knees and began digging.
”That would be our berserker,” said Randall.
Shreddriff dug up another bottle, tore a strip of bark from the palm tree, and began writing on it again. Once again he shoved it into the bottle and threw it into the ocean. Once again it sank. ”Wooga wooga!”
”Pardon us for interrupting!” Randall called out. ”But if you closed up the bottle, it wouldn't sink.”
The berserker looked over at Randall and immediately went nutzo, running around the island screaming incoherent babble. He started biting the tree.
Randall and Yvonne exchanged concerned looks. ”So, who wants to swim across and say hi?” asked Yvonne.
Shreddriff bit a huge chunk out of the tree, swallowed, and then began jumping up and down, flapping his arms. ”Wooga wooga! Wooga wooga!” After a few moments, he calmed down a bit and began breathing deeply. ”Breathe in ... breathe out...ahhhh.”
”Are you okay?” Randall asked.
The berserker screamed at the top of his lungs and began clawing at the air. Finally he dropped onto his back and closed his eyes. ”Just relax ... you're on a sunny beach ... no cares in the world...”
”I hate to disturb you,” said Randall. ”But we can get you off that island and bring you back to civilization!”
Shreddriff sat up. ”Civilization made made me like this!” me like this!”
”Then why were you trying to send messages?”
”To tell those civilized punks I don't need them!” He began screaming and turning cartwheels. Then he ran around the tree a few times, ending with an impressive triple axle.
”We need your help,” said Randall. ”If you'll come back with us, I'll see to it that you're returned safely.”
”Fine, no problem,” said the berserker. ”But when you swim over here, be careful.”
A great white shark thrust its head out of the water and snapped its mighty jaws shut. Then it swam off, satisfied that it had made its point.
”Your turn to sacrifice,” Yvonne told Randall.
”Look, we're a little short on disposable limbs,” said Randall. ”Is there another way over there?”
Shreddriff thought about it. ”I guess I could part the waters.”
”I'll go for that,” said Randall.
”Promise not to call me a show-off?”
”I promise.”
”Because the last guy, he called me a show-off.”
”I won't call you a show-off.”
Shreddriff dramatically raised his arms. The ocean between the two islands parted. Unfortunately, there was still more water beneath that which had been parted. A shark stuck its head out and growled.
”Guess it's too deep,” said Shreddriff, lowering his hands. The ocean spilled back into place. Shreddriff began screaming and juggling some bottles that he hurriedly dug up. ”Wooga wooga!”
”What does wooga wooga mean?” Randall asked.
”I don't know,” said Shreddriff. ”I think it's Italian.”
Randall pointed at the palm tree. ”If you managed to knock that over, we could walk across it!”
Shreddriff looked at the tree. ”You've gotta be kidding!”
”It was just an idea.”
”I should hope so. Do you know how much work it is to put this thing back up every time it falls over?”
”I can have somebody help you with it,” promised Randall.