Part 29 (1/2)
”Well, I desire a woman who won't immolate herself rather than play footsie with me, but we don't always get what we want. Do we, Scrivener?”
”I'm still waiting for a toothbrush to call my own,” said the dwarf.
”See? There's disappointment everywhere. Squire, I think someone of your courage might be perfect to rule at my side.”
”I'll never join you!”
”Okay.” The Dark One pressed a b.u.t.ton on his throne, and the floor beneath Randall suddenly collapsed. He dropped ten feet into a room with an iron floor and walls. The walls to his left and right were covered with hundreds of sharp spikes.
Before Randall even got a chance to reflect upon this being a bad situation, it got significantly worse as the walls began to rapidly close in. He moved to the closest wall and began poking at the corner with his sword, trying to jam it. The eight other swords sticking out of the corner soon convinced him that his efforts were useless.
”Let me out immediately!” he demanded. ”Or the cleaning bill will be astronomical!”
Scrivener peered down into the room. ”It's self-cleaning. Pretty neat, huh? Won't rust, either.”
Less than five feet separated Randall from some excessive body-piercing. Then the walls abruptly halted.
”Darn it!” said Scrivener. ”Hey, squire-will you do me a favor?”
”Will you let me out?”
”Sure. Go over to the north wall and give it a good kick.”
”Which one is the north wall?”
”That one.” Scrivener pointed to one of the non-spiked walls. ”Just give it a big ol' kick. Don't worry, you won't dent it.”
Randall went over to the north wall and kicked it. The walls began to close again, and he realized that he'd been tricked. ”Curse you!” he shouted.
Only four feet remained before the spikes reached him.
Then he got an idea.
”I know!” he said aloud to help him remember it. ”I'll climb climb the spikes!” the spikes!”
Moving quickly, he scaled the wall, using the spikes as steps and hand-holds. He emerged from the room just as the walls closed together. Scrivener and the Dark One stared at him, mouths gaping.
”You've got got to rule with me!” the Dark One insisted. ”You just have to! I have a leader's charisma and plenty of resources, and you can survive death traps! We're a natural team!” to rule with me!” the Dark One insisted. ”You just have to! I have a leader's charisma and plenty of resources, and you can survive death traps! We're a natural team!”
”No, we aren't,” said Randall. ”Because I am good, and you are evil.”
”Oh, well, excuse me, Mister I-See-Everything-In-Black-And-White. The gla.s.s doesn't have to be half-full or half-empty. It could be half-flempty!”
”Listen, the only thing I want to do is complete my quest.”
”And what would that be?”
Randall gave him a condensed version of the quest notes. When he was done, The Dark One threw his head back and laughed again.
”What's so funny?” Randall asked, hoping it would be something he found hilarious as well, because he was desperately in need of a good guffaw.
”Ow! Scriv, my head's stuck again.” Scrivener hurried over to the throne and pushed the Dark One's head forward with a loud creak. ”Ah, thank you. What's so funny is that there's no such thing as the Necklace of Power. You have no idea how to rescue a dead princess!”
Randall looked confused. ”Why did that last sentence seem to take on a special resonance?”
”No idea. You fool, the witch Grysh has been wors.h.i.+ping me for ages, and I know for a fact that she gets off on that kind of thing! Now, perhaps she does need Jenstina and Shreddriff for some reason, but the rest of it's just a pointless quest! A pointless quest, I say!”
”You mean that Princess Janice can't be resurrected?”
”I didn't say that. Grysh doesn't realize it, but she can return your princess to the flesh with the aid of the crystal that used to be part of the Necklace of Powerfulness, which is just like the Necklace of Power but with a catchier name.”
”I know where that is!” Randall said. ”That's what killed her in the first place!”
”I'll make you a deal,” said the Dark One. ”It is within my power to send you to the Mountain of Rock and the Ocean of Water. I'll do so if you promise to join me.”
”That depends. How's your benefits package?”
”The medical has an extremely high deductible, but it doesn't matter because the job mostly involves sitting in here brooding, so injuries are few and far between.”
”What about retirement?”
”Ummm ... I forget.” The Dark One looked away, avoiding eye contact.
”Don't give me that. I want to know what your retirement plan is like.”
”Fine. There is no retirement plan, and no stable income. But talk about your fringe benefits!”
”Sounds pretty shaky to me,” said Randall. ”I'm afraid I'm going to have to pa.s.s.”
”But you also get a free Dark One decoder ring after your six month review! And the secret messages aren't trying to sell you anything!”
”Okay, that'll do it for me,” Randall decided. ”But I want you to release my friends to accompany me.”
”No.”
”Yes.”
”Curse you and your haggling abilities!” the Dark One said, slamming his fist against his throne. ”At least those will come in useful as well. I'll release one one of your friends. Who shall it be?” of your friends. Who shall it be?”
”Tough call. Yvonne.”
”Very well, Scrivener will be sent to get her. Scrivener, bring our friend here a quill and some ink so that he can draw her likeness on your hand.”
After the drawing was complete and Scrivener had gone off to fetch her, the Dark One reclined back in his throne. ”Now, you're not going to back out of this deal once I've kept my part of the bargain, are you? Maybe I should get another witness.”
”No need,” said Randall. ”I've given you my word.”
The Dark One scratched the nose portion of his mask. ”Why are your fingers crossed?”