Part 20 (1/2)
”Just one hug ... then I can die in peace.”
”Go on, give the poor guy a hug,” Jack urged.
The king let out a snore, then rolled over in bed.
”All right,” said Roderick. ”One hug. Then whether you're dead or not, I'm going to slit the tyrant's throat.” He lifted Rick to a sitting position, then gave him a tender hug.
”Thank you,” said Rick. ”Now I'm at peace, and can die.”
”When?”
”Any day now.”
Roderick released the hug, dropping Rick on his back. His head struck the floor much harder than Roderick had intended. Randall quickly knelt down and checked for a heartbeat.
”Nice move,” he said.
”Is he dead?”
”Close enough.”
Roderick stood up. ”Forget it. He was a goober anyway. And now, the moment we've all been waiting for...”
”Stop!” ordered Randall, also standing up. He held Rick's dagger. ”If you want to kill the king, you're going to have to go through me!”
”No, I won't. You're on the wrong side of the room.”
Randall hurriedly moved to a position in front of the king's bed.
”You cretin!” Roderick snarled.
”That really was pretty low,” Jack admitted.
”C'mon, Roderick, let's go for it,” said Randall, taunting him. ”Think you've got what it takes? I'll have you know-I've beaten people in hand-to-hand dead squirrel combat before!” beaten people in hand-to-hand dead squirrel combat before!”
Roderick slashed his own dagger through the air a few times, implying if Randall had been that air, he'd be all slashed up now. ”You want to duel? Great, let's duel!”
”I'm ready whenever you are.”
”I'm ready right now.”
”Therefore, I'm ready right now as well.”
”So let's go!”
”Okay, let's go!”
Randall and Roderick lunged at each other. Stainless steel struck stainless steel with a sound like thunder.
”Ow, crud!” said Randall, dropping the knife and ma.s.saging his throbbing hand.
”Do you surrender?” Roderick asked, giving him a grin that failed to disguise the amount of pain he was in himself.
”Never!” said Jack. ”He'll fight to the death!”
”So be it! Since I am an honorable man, I will allow you to retrieve your weapon before I slay you.”
”You're just saying that to give your hand time to de-numb.”
The king rolled over. ”A little higher ... yeah, that's right...” he moaned in his sleep.
”What did he just say?” asked Jack.
”Sounds like he's having an interesting dream,” said Roderick. ”I never get to have cool dreams like that. I always dream that I'm solving mathematical equations. It bites.”
”You guys want to call a truce so we can mess with his dream?” Jack asked. ”Or ... hey, better yet, somebody get a gla.s.s of warm water to put his hand in!”
”The time for frivolity has pa.s.sed,” said Roderick. ”A few minutes ago, I would've short-sheeted his bed with a wink and a giggle, but we have entered darker times now.”
Jack lowered his head next to the king's ear. ”Rain ... rivers ... waterfalls ... floods ... oceans ... leaky drain pipes...”
”You know,” said Randall, ”you're carrying immaturity to a previously uncharted level.”
”C'mon, you can't tell me it hasn't been one of your lifelong fantasies to make royalty wet the bed.”
”Is it absolutely necessary that your mouth be open so frequently?” asked Randall.
Suddenly Roderick lashed out with his dagger. Randall dodged. Roderick lashed out again. Randall dodged again. Roderick lashed out a third time. In keeping with the continuity of the situation, Randall dodged again. To fool him, Roderick didn't lash out a fourth time. To show that he wasn't fooled, Randall didn't dodge a fourth time.
Jack whispered into the king's ear again. ”Your legs have turned into spaghetti, and now you're playing leapfrog ... on the moon.” King Irving writhed uncomfortably in his sleep.
Roderick lowered his dagger. ”How about we call a time-out so I can kill Jack first?”
”Nah. Hey, is that thing about me getting to retrieve my weapon still in effect?” Randall asked.
”I guess so. But if I lose my own weapon after that, I get to pick it up one time for free, okay?”
Randall nodded, then picked up his dagger. ”Let's go! To the corpus delicti corpus delicti!”
They rushed at each other, then began an incredibly exciting duel. It was so impressive that no mere words could truly describe it, and therefore no mere words will be wasted.
It ended with Randall up against the wall, and Roderick's knife up against Randall's throat. ”You lose,” said Roderick, rather unnecessarily in everyone's opinion, even his own.
”Don't kill me,” Randall requested. ”I'll do anything.”
”Will you shave my back?”
”Changed my mind.”
Suddenly Jack sprung into action. Mustering all his courage, he rushed forward, hurrying to the other side of the room where no blood would get on him.