Part 4 (2/2)

”My first a man is, and my next a trap; My whole's forbidden, lest it cause trouble.”

The answer to the acrostic is ”mantrap”; the missing rhyme is ”mishap.”

The entire solution was given in something under half an hour by Popsie Bantam. She was a very bright girl, and afterwards married a man in the Guards (L.N.W.R.).

Mr. Bunting, a rather strong party-politician, one night submitted this little triolet:

”When the Great War new weapons bade us forge, Whom did the nation trust? 'Twas thou, Asquith!”

The missing rhyme was guessed immediately, in two places, as the auctioneers say.

However, by our next quinquennial meeting Nettie Minorca had thought out the following rejoinder:

”When history's hand corrects the current myth, Whose name will she prefer? 'Tis thine, Lloyd George.”

Yes, dear Nettie had a belated brilliance--the wit of the staircase, only more so. We always said that Nettie could do wonderful things if only she were given time.

She was given time ultimately, and is still doing it, but that was in a totally different connection. She inserted an advertis.e.m.e.nt stating that she was a thorough good cook. First-cla.s.s references. Eight years in present situation in Exeter, and leaving because the family was going abroad. Wages asked, 36 per annum. No kitchen-maid required. No less than twelve families were so anxious to receive the treasure that they offered her return-fare between Exeter and London, and her expenses, to secure a personal interview with her. She collected the boodle from all twelve. And she was living in Bryanstone Square at the time. She is lost to us now.

As dear old Percy Cochin, also one of the Soles, once said to me: ”We are here to-day, and gone at the end of our month.”

Violet Orpington had an arresting appearance, and walked rather like a policeman also. Her hair was a rich raw sienna, and any man would have made love to her had she but carried an ear-trumpet. She is the ”retiring Violet” of verse seven.[A] Millie Wyandotte was malicious and unintelligent; she looked well in white, but was too heavily built for my taste. I may add, as evidence of my impartiality, that she laid a table better than any woman I ever knew; in fact, she took first prize in a laying compet.i.tion. Nettie Minorca was ”black but comely,” and had Spanish blood in her veins. She is the ”gipsy” mentioned in verse one-and-a-half. Popsie Bantam was _pet.i.te_. Her profile was admired, but I always thought it a little beaky myself. I myself was the least beautiful, but the most attractive. Allusions to me will be found in verses 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 12-19, 24, 57-60, 74, 77, 87, 97, and 102-3468.

[Footnote A: _Publisher_: But you don't give the verses.

_Author_: I know. It's a little idea I got from an excellent Sunday newspaper.]

George Leghorn was an Albino, but his figure was very graceful. From the specimen which I have already given, it will be easy to believe that his wit was fluorescent, detergent, and vibratory. He afterwards became a well-known personality on the turf. He gained a considerable fortune by laying the odds; his family were all reputed to be good layers.

Dear old Peter Cochin was staunch and true. He reminds me of something that my ill.u.s.trious model says of another man. She says that he ”would risk telling me or anyone he loved, before confiding to an inner circle, faults which both he and I think might be corrected.” Grammar was no doubt made for slaves--not for the brilliant and autobiographical. All the same, a prize should be offered to anybody who can find the missing ”risk” in mentioning to another a point on which both are agreed.

She adds that she has had ”a long experience of inner circles.” There, it must be admitted, she is ahead of me. But the only inner circle of which I have had a long experience has been much improved since it was electrified.

In congratulating Peter upon a new appointment, with three under him, I asked when I first met him. His reply was particularly staunch, and I quote from it:

”It was in May 28, 1913. The hour was 1.38.5 Greenwich Time, and I shall never forget it. You were sixteen then, and the effect as you came into the room was quintessential. Suddenly the sunlight blazed, the electric light went on automatically till the fuses gave way, the chimney caught fire, the roof fell in, the petrol tank exploded, old R--y said that he should never care to speak to his wife again, and the butler dropped the Veuve Clicquot. After that the shooting party came in, but for some reason or other the sentence was not carried out.”

I have very few staunch friends, and many of them have had to be discarded from weakness; but when they are staunch--well, they really are. The only trouble with Peter Cochin was that he was too cautious. He was given to under-statement. I do not think he gives a really full and rich idea of the effect I habitually produced.

I sometimes think that I am almost too effective. Still, as I said before, the Latin word ”margo” does mean ”the limit.”

FIFTH EXTRACT

MISFIRES

My family had a curious dread that I should marry a groom. I never did.

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