Part 30 (2/2)
”What are you doing to me?” cried the man. ”It burns like h.e.l.l!”
”Courage! Nothing is got without a little pain. Count to sixty now!”
The audience obliged, but long before they had got to forty they broke off in exclamations: for thick black hair had begun to grow on the man's scalp, everywhere the potion had been spread.
”Oh!” The man clutched his scalp, unbelieving.
”Yes!” said Golescu, turning to the audience. ”You see? Immediately this lucky fellow is restored to his previous appearance of youth and virility. And speaking of virility!” He smacked the man's back hard enough to send him flying off the platform. ”What greater source of misery can there be than disappointing the fair ones? Who among you lacks that certain something he had as a young buck, eh?
”n.o.body here, I'm sure, but just think: someday, you may find yourself attempting to pick a lock with a dead fish. When that day comes, do you truly want to be caught without a bracing bottle of the Pharaoh's Physic? One crown a bottle, gentlemen! I'm sure you can understand why no free demonstrations are available for this one.”
There was a silence of perhaps five seconds before a veritable tidal wave of men rushed forward, waving fistfuls of coin.
”Here! One to a customer, sirs, one only. That's right! I only do this as a public service, you know, I love to make others happy. Drink it in good health, sir, but I'd suggest you eat your oysters first. Pray don't trample the children, there, even if you can always make more. And speaking of making more!”
Golescu stuffed the last clutch of coins down his tights and retreated from the front of the stage, for he had sold all his bottles of Pharaoh's Physic and Potion of Ptolemy.
”What's the use of magnificent potency when your maiden is cold as ice, I ask you? Disinterest!
Disdain! Diffidence! Is there any more terrible source of misery than the unloving spouse? Now, you may have heard of love philtres; you may have bought charms and spells from mere gypsies. But what your little doves require, my friends, is none other than the Elixir of Isis! Guaranteed to turn those chilly frowns to smiles of welcome!”
A second surge made its way to the front of the platform, slightly less desperate than the first but moneyed withal. Golescu doled out bottles of Elixir of Isis, dropped coins down his tights, and calculated. He had one case of bottles left. Lifting it to the top of the stack, he faced his audience and smiled.
”And now, good people, ask yourselves a question: what is it that makes 246 Kage Baker long life a curse? Why, the answer is transparent: it is pain. Rending, searing, horrible agony! Dull aches that never go away! The throb of a rotten tooth! Misery, misery, misery, G.o.d have mercy on us! But! With a liberal application of Balm Bast, you will gain instant relief from unspeakable torment.”
There was a general movement toward the stage, though not such a flood as Golescu had expected; some distraction was in the crowd, though he couldn't tell what it was. Ah! Surely, this was it: an injured man, with bandaged head and eve, was being helped forward on his crutches.
”Give way! Let this poor devil through!”
”Here, Professor Hades, here's one who could use your medicine!”
”What about a free sample for him?'
”What's this, a veteran of the wars?” said Golescu, in his most jovial voice. ”Certainly he'll get a free sample! Here, for vo-” He ended on a high- pitched little squeak, for on leaning down he found himself gazing straight into Farmer Buzdugan's single remaining eye. Mutual recognition flashed.
”Yo-” began Farmer Buzdugan, but Golescu had uncorked the bottle and shoved it into his mouth quick as thought. He held the bottle there, as Buzdugan choked on indignation and Balm Bast.
”AH, YES, I RECOGNIZE THIS POOR FELLOW!” said Golescu, struggling to keep the bottle in place. ”He's delusional as well! His family brought him to me to be cured of his madness, but unfortunately-”
Unfortunately the distraction in the crowd was on a larger scale than Golescu had supposed. It had started with a general restlessness, owing to the fact that all those who had purchased bottles of Pharaoh's Physic had opened the bottles and gulped their contents straight down. This had produced general and widespread priapism, at about the time Golescu had begun his spiel on the Elixir of Isis.
This was as nothing, however, to what was experienced by those who had purchased the Potion of Ptolemy and, most unwisely, decided to try it out before waiting to get it home. Several horrified individuals were now finding luxuriant hair growing, not only on their scalps but everywhere the potion had splashed or trickled in the course of its application, such as ears, eyelids, noses and wives. More appalled still were those who had elected to rub the potion well in with their bare hands.
Their case was as nothing, however, compared to the unfortunate who had decided that all medicines worked better if taken internally. He was now prostrate and shrieking, if somewhat m.u.f.fledly as a crowd of horrified onlookers stood well back from him.
Buzdugan threw himself back and managed to spit out the bottle.
”Son of a wh.o.r.e!” he said. ”This is him! This is the one who sold us the-”
”MAD, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?” said Golescu.
”He sold us the stuff that created those-” Buzdugan said, before the Balm Bast worked and he abruptly lost all feeling in his body. Nerveless he fell from his crutches into the dark forest of feet and legs.
But he was scarcely noticed in the excitement caused by the man who had purchased both Pharaoh's Physic and Elixir of Isis, with the intention or maximizing domestic felicity, and in the darkness had opened and drunk off the contents of the wrong bottle. Overcome by a wave of heat, and then inexplicable and untoward pa.s.sion, and then by a complete loss of higher cerebral function, he had dropped his trousers and was now offering himself to all comers, screaming like a chimpanzee. Several of those afflicted by the Pharaoh's Potion, unable to resist, were on the very point of availing themselves of his charms when- ”Holy saints defend us!” cried someone on the edge of the crowd. ”Run for your lives! It's another demon c.o.c.k!
This confused all who heard it, understandably, but only until the demon in question strode into sight.
Golescu, who had been edging to the back of the platform with tiny little steps, smiling and sweating, saw it most clearly: a rooster, but no ordinary bird. Eight feet tall at the shoulder, tail like a fountain of fire, golden spurs, feathers like beaten gold, comb like blood-red coral, and a beak like a meat cleaver made of bra.s.s! Its eyes shone in the light of the torches with ferocious brilliance, but they were blank and mindless as any chicken's. It beat its wings with a sound like thunder. People fled in all directions, save for those folk who were so crazed with l.u.s.t they could not be distracted from what they were doing.
”Oh why, oh why do these things happen?” Golescu implored no one in particular. ”I have such good intentions.”
The great bird noticed the children crowded together at the front of the platform. Up until this point, they had been giggling at the behavior of their elders. Having caught sight of the monster, however, they dove under the platform and huddled there like so many mice. The bird saw them nonetheless, and advanced, turning its head to regard them with one eye and then the other. Terrified, they hurled jars of beans at it, which exploded like canisters of shot. Yet it came on, raking the ground as it came.
And Golescu became aware that there was another dreadful noise below the cries of the children, below Buzdugan's frenzied cursing where he lay below the ever-more-distant yells of the retreating audience. Below, for it was low-pitched, the sort of noise that makes the teeth vibrate, deep as an earthquake, no less frightening.
Something, somewhere, was growling. And it was getting louder.
Golescu raised his head, and in a moment that would return to him in nightmares the rest of his life saw a pair of glowing eves advancing through the night, eves like coals above white, white teeth. The nearer they came, floating through the darkness toward the wagon, the louder grew the sound of growling. Nearer now, into the light of the torches, and Golescu saw clearly the outstretched arms, the clawing fingers caked with earth, the murderous expression, the trailing shroud.
”Good heavens, it's Amaunet,” he observed, before reality hit him and he wet himself. The Black Cup had failed her again after all, and so- ”rrrrrrrrkillYOU!” she roared, lunging for the platform. Golescu, sobbing, ran to and fro only a moment; then fear lent him wings and he made one heroic leap, launching himself from the platform to the back of the chicken of gold. Digging his knees in its fiery plumage, he smote it as though it were a horse.
With a squawk that shattered the night, his steed leaped in the air and came down running. Golescu clung for dear life, looking over his shoulder. He beheld Emil, antennae wobbling, scrambling frantically from the coffin.
”Uncle Barbu!” wailed Emil. But Amaunet had Emil by the ankle now. She pulled him close. He vanished into the folds of her shroud, still struggling. Golescu's last glimpse was of Amaunet lifting Emil into her bosom, clutching him possessively, horrific Madonna and limp Child.
Golescu hugged the neck of his golden steed and urged it on, on through the night and the forest. He wept for lost love, wept for sour misfortune, wept for beauty, and so he rode in terrible glory through water and fire and pitiless starlight. When bright day came he was riding still. Who knows where he ended up?
Though there is a remote village beyond the forests, so mazed about with bogs and streams no roads lead there, and every man has been obliged to marry his cousin. They have a legend that the Devil once appeared to them, riding on a golden c.o.c.k, a fearful apparition before which they threw themselves flat.
they offered to make him their prince, if only he would spare their lives.
And they say that the Devil staved with them awhile, and made a tolerably good prince, as princes go in that part of the world. But he looked always over his shoulder, for fear that his wife might be pursuing him. He said she was the Mother of Darkness. His terror was so great that at last it got the better of him and he rode on, rather than let her catch him.
The men of the village found this comforting, in an obscure kind of way. Even the Devil fears his wife, they said to one another. They said it so often that a man came from the Ministry of Culture at last, and wrote it down in a book of proverbs.
But if you travel to that country and look in that great book, you will look in vain; for unfortunately some vandal has torn out the relevant page.
end.
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