Part 32 (2/2)
The recreation-bell rang, and the novices clattered down the stairs of the novitiate, their childish eagerness rousing Evelyn from the mild stupor which still seemed to hang about her mind; and she smiled at the novices and at herself, for suddenly it had all begun to seem to her like a scene in a play, herself going to take the white veil and to become a nun, at all events, for a while. ”Now, how is all this to end?” she asked herself. ”But what does it matter?” Clouds seemed to envelop her mind again, and she acquiesced when the Prioress said:
”I think your retreat had better begin to-day.”
”When, Mother?”
”Well, from this moment.”
”If Teresa will come into the garden with me,” said Mother Hilda.
It was impossible for the Prioress to say no, and a slaty blush of anger came into her cheek. ”Hilda will do all she can to prevent her.” Nor was the Prioress wholly wrong in her surmise, for they had not walked very far before Evelyn admitted that the idea of the white veil frightened her a great deal.
”Frightens you, my dear child?”
”But if I had a vocation I should not feel frightened. Isn't that so, Mother Hilda?”
”I shouldn't like to say that, Teresa. One can feel frightened and yet desire a thing very much; desire and fear are not incompatible.”
Tears glistened in her eyes, and she appealed to Mother Hilda, saying:
”Dear Mother, I don't know why I am crying, but I am very unhappy.
There is no reason why I should be, for here I am safe.”
”Will she ever recover her mind sufficiently to know what she is doing?” Mother Hilda asked herself.
”It is always,” Evelyn said, ”as if I were trying to escape from something.” Mother Hilda pressed her to explain. ”I cannot explain myself better than by telling that it is as if the house were burning behind me, and I were trying to get away.”
That evening Mother Hilda consulted the Prioress, telling her of Evelyn's tears and confusion.
”But, Hilda, why do you trouble her with questions as to whether she would like to be a nun or not? As I have said repeatedly, the veil is a great help, and, in a year hence, Teresa will know whether she'd like to join our community. In the meantime, pray let her be in peace and recover herself.” The Prioress's voice was stern.
”Only this, dear Mother--”
”The mistake you make, Hilda, seems to me to be that you imagine every one turns to religion and to the convent for the same reason, whereas the reasons that bring us to G.o.d are widely different. You are disappointed in Teresa, not because she lacks piety, but because she is not like Jerome or Angela or Veronica, whom we both know very well. Each seeks her need in religion, and you are not acquainted with Teresa's, that is all. Now, Hilda, obedience is the first of all the virtues, and I claim yours in all that regards Teresa.” Mother Hilda raised her quiet eyes and looked into the Prioress's face, and then lowered them again. ”We should be lacking in our duty,” the Prioress continued, ”if we don't try to keep her by all legitimate means. She will receive the white veil at the end of the week; try to prepare her for her clothing, instruct her in the rule of our house; no one can do that as well as you.”
Lifting her eyes again for a moment, Mother Hilda answered that it should be as the Prioress wished--that she would do her best to instruct Teresa; and she moved away slowly, the Prioress not seeking to detain her any longer in her room.
XXVI
Next day in the novitiate Mother Hilda explained to Evelyn how the centre of their life was the perpetual adoration of the Blessed Sacrament exposed on the altar.
”Our life is a life of expiation; we expiate by our prayers and our penances and our acts of adoration the many insults which are daily flung at our divine Lord by those who not only disobey His commandments, but deny His very presence on our altars. To our prayers of expiation we add prayers of intercession; we pray for the many people in this country outside the faith who offend our Lord Jesus Christ more from ignorance than from malice. All our little acts of mortification are offered with this intention. From morning Ma.s.s until Benediction our chapel, as you know, is never left empty for a single instant of the day; two silent watchers kneel before the Blessed Sacrament, offering themselves in expiation of the sins of others. This watch before the Blessed Sacrament is the chief duty laid upon the members of our community. Nothing is ever allowed to interfere with it. Unfailing punctuality is asked from every one in being in the chapel at the moment her watch begins, and no excuse is accepted from those who fail in this respect. Our idea is that all through the day a ceaseless stream of supplication should mount to heaven, that not for a single instant should there be a break in the work of prayer. If our numbers permitted it we should have Perpetual Adoration by day and night, as in the mother house in France; but here the bishop only allows us to have exposition once a month throughout the night, and all our Sisters look forward to this as their greatest privilege.”
”It is a very beautiful life, Mother Hilda; but I wonder if I have a vocation?”
”That is the great question, my dear,” and a cloud gathered in Mother Hilda's face, for it had come into her mind to tell Evelyn that she hardly knew anything of the religious life as yet; but remembering her promise to the Prioress, she said: ”Obedience is the beginning of the religious life, and you must try to think that you are a child in school, with nothing to teach and everything to learn. The experience of your past life, which you may think ent.i.tles you to consideration--”
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