Part 22 (1/2)
”Stop trying to change the subject.” He licked my lips with the tip of his tongue. ”Let me hear it.”
”If you promise not to laugh.”
”Of course I won't laugh.”
”Okay.” I groaned. ”Don't say I didn't warn you, but it's really goofy.”
”I'm waiting.”
”Argh. Okay. Here we go.” I cleared my throat and sat up a little bit so that we were eye to eye. I coughed and then recited the poem I had written for him.
Zane, there has never been a man like you Who has taken my heart and swallowed it up I want you to know that you never have to doubt That you have my love forever I'll never leave you, never stop loving you, never stop wanting to be with you You are me, I am you, we are one The room was silent as I finished speaking and I was scared that Zane was trying to hold his laughter in. I looked into his eyes and I realized that they looked wet.
”I told you it sucked.” I mumbled, embarra.s.sed.
”That was amazing, Lucky. Thank you.” He reached over and squeezed my hand. ”Now, what do you want to go and do?”
”Wait, we're going out?” I was surprised and disappointed that he had changed the topic so quickly but I didn't want to ask him why. I knew he was a newbie to emotions and I was pretty confident that he was most probably feeling overwhelmed with everything that was going on.
He jumped up off of the bed and stared down at me. ”Want to see the Eiffel Tower by night?”
”Sure, I suppose so.” I sat up and rubbed my eyes before getting off of the bed. ”I didn't know we were going to go out right away.”
”There's no time like the present right?” He laughed forcefully and looked away. He walked over to his suitcase and started fiddling around with it and I stood there watching him unsure of what to say.
”Did I do something to make you mad, Zane?” I asked softly. ”Was it my poem? I'm sorry if you didn't like it.”
He turned around slowly and looked at me with a clouded expression. ”I liked the poem, Lucky.”
”So why are you acting so funny?”
”You really love me, don't you?”
”You know I do.”
”It just suddenly felt real. I know that sounds dumb, but I think it just hit me like a ton of bricks. You really really love me and you are in this whatever happens.” He paused. ”I'm not an easy man to love and I know that I've already put you through a lot. I guess I'm just wondering how much you can put up with. There are going to be so many more ups and downs with me.” He grimaced. ”If you haven't noticed, I get jealous, angry, and annoyed, and it hit me that at some point you're no longer going to be thinking we are one. At some point you're going to regret that you said you would never leave me or stop wanting to be with me. I know you love me. But sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes people can push you away so hard that it doesn't matter how much you love them.”
”I'm not going to leave you, Zane.”
”But you don't know that. You can't guarantee it.” He took a deep breath. ”I'm sorry, this is something I'm trying to be rational about. It's just hard.”
”Don't freeze me out, Zane.” I took a deep breath. ”I need to tell you something.”
”What?” His eyes narrowed and his body stilled. ”What is it Lucky?”
”Noah found your mom.” I began and when I saw the confused, but excited expression in his eyes, I suddenly felt scared to tell him more. ”I guess he was looking for her online. That's what Sidney told me.”
”I wondered what the two of you were whispering about.”
”Noah gave him a file before he died and in the file was the contact information for your mom.” Zane's expression was obstinate, but I could see the hope in his eyes and it killed me.
”I see. So what next?” He ran his hands through his hair. ”I don't know what to say. Am I supposed to call her? Did Noah call her?”
”I, uh, I don't know.” I bit my lip, unsure of how to tell him about my conversation with his mother without breaking his heart.
”I guess I'll call her when we get back?” He shrugged to pretend that he didn't care but I knew differently. ”I'll have to tell her Noah died.”
”The thing is... she's in Paris,” I blurted out.
”What?” His head stilled. ”She's here?”
”Yes.” I took a big gulp. ”I called her.”
”You told her we were coming here?” His voice was low and angry. ”I don't want to see her, Lucky.”
”I ...” My voice choked up and I wasn't sure how to finish my sentence. ”I spoke to her and ....”
”She's expecting to see me now, isn't she? She thinks she can just come back in my life after everything that happened? She thinks that after 19 years I'm going to greet her back into my life with open arms. Or did she run out of money? Did she ask you if I have money?”
”No.” My voice was low.
”I can't believe you told her I would go and see her.” Zane was fuming. ”I'm done with her. I do not care about her. I do not care to see her. She left me, Lucky. She left me and never looked back.”
”I'm sorry.” Tears brimmed in my eyes at the anger in Zane's voice. I wasn't sad because he was shouting at me though. I was sad because I knew beyond a doubt that all he wanted was for his mom to have a good reason for leaving him. I didn't correct his misapprehension of our conversation because I didn't want him to know the truth. I'd rather he think she wanted to get back into his life than what had really been said.
”Lucky, I'm not mad at you.” He stepped back and picked up his wallet. ”I'm just not in that place. I didn't have a happy family like you. She left and she can't expect to just come back into my life.”
”I understand.”
”What did she say?” His eyes looked at me intensely. ”Anything important?” The words slipped out of his mouth casually, but I knew that what I said next would weigh on his heart and in his mind for the rest of his life. And so I did the only thing I thought I could do, I lied.
”She was upset.” I tried to avoid his eyes. ”She said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do. And every day, she thinks about you and Noah, and wonders what sort of men you turned into.”
”I bet she wants to know if we ended up looking like her or our dad.”
”Yeah.”
”She was sad, huh?” Zane played with his fingers as he spoke and I started plaiting my hair.
”Yeah, she was really sad. I think she really regrets what she did.” And if she didn't, she should, I thought to myself.
”That's not enough.” Zane's voice was gruff. ”You don't get your sons back because you realize you made a mistake.”
”Yeah. I think she'll regret it for the rest of her life.”
”Well,” Zane turned off the TV. ”She should. Are you ready?”