Part 9 (1/2)

”What in the world happened?” Asher asked. ”Are you all okay?”

A frigid gust blew through the broken window, swirling with the overpowering smell of flower essences and herbal oils.

More people came: Charles, River, Anne.

I stood slowly. I had done this. I had caused this.

”What happened?!” River asked.

The three of us were silent. The old Nastasya would immediately blame Solis, for teaching me incorrectly, or Jess, for distracting me, or life in general, for not going my way. Which was clearly the path to choose here-this was a whole world of bad.

”It was me,” I said, touching my puffy eye. ”I truly don't know what happened. We were doing a healing spell. I thought I was doing it exactly right.”

”You were,” said Solis, standing up. He looked at River. ”Jess went first, then Nastasya right after. I was there, watching and listening. She did it perfectly, and everything was fine until the spell was supposed to go into effect. Then all the books started... flying off the shelves.”

”Like in The Exorcist,” Brynne said unhelpfully.

”Except we don't believe in the devil,” Charles said, examining all the wreckage.

”You used limitations?” River asked.

”Of course,” I said.

Solis nodded. ”She did-she set up all the proper limitations. I really have no idea how this happened.” He gave me a thoughtful look, and my heart sank: Unless I'm hopelessly dark. The thought came to me instantly, fully formed, and seized my heart like a cold fist.

River came into the room, stepping over debris carefully. ”So, normal spell, everything fine, then books fly off shelves, go everywhere, break everything.”

I s.h.i.+vered and wrapped my arms around myself. ”Yeah.” Oddly, the person I felt like seeing was Reyn. I flashed on the feel of his arms holding me, how illogically safe I felt with him. I didn't know why I felt that way, but I did.

”I'll clean it up,” I said, stating the obvious.

”I'll help,” said Solis.

”Right now let's find a piece of wood to board up that window,” said River.

”I can do that,” Jess said.

I looked at the ruined room, felt my various b.u.mps and bruises, and thought that so far, the new year was kicking my a.s.s.

CHAPTER 12.

It took me eight hours to clean up the room, even with Solis's help. While we worked, he walked me through the steps of the spell again, and we both examined every bit of it to see where it had gone wrong. We still couldn't figure it out.

Unless the thought I'd had was true, that my magick is inherently dark, like my parents'. Unless I can't choose to not be dark.

Just a week ago, I'd felt so much more hopeful. I'd seen progress. Now I couldn't do anything right. A dark, heavy cloud of Tervness was hanging over my head, following me wherever I went. Every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my puffy, purpling eye reminded me that I couldn't be trusted to do a simple spell by myself.

When Reyn saw me, his eyebrows rose. ”What does the other guy look like?”

I wanted to come back with something witty and brave and casual, but I couldn't think of a thing. In general my head felt fuzzy, as if I wasn't getting enough sleep. But I was. .h.i.tting the sack by nine thirty, just to make these awful days end earlier. I had no other symptoms except listlessness, a foggy brain, and a desire to spend all day, every day, in bed.

I went to cla.s.ses, though I refused to work any actual magick, and, tellingly, no one pushed me to try. I did my ch.o.r.es.

One night Reyn, Brynne, and I were on the cooking team. I found being with Reyn both comforting and tension-producing. It was exhausting.

In my attempts to see him as who he was now, I was noticing how other people acted around him. With surprise I realized that everyone seemed to like him and feel comfortable with him. I hadn't really seen that before. At first glance, he seemed bossy and abrupt, forbidding and humorless. I was coming to realize that he was just-really self-contained. Withdrawn, even. Quiet, wrestling with all his inner demons. I still didn't know why, specifically, he was here. What had brought him to River's? How long had he been here? What was he hoping to get out of being here?

The answers to these and other questions may or may not be revealed later on, in Eternity: The Ongoing Docudrama.

”Oh! Turn that song up,” Brynne said, pointing to the small, old-fas.h.i.+oned radio on a kitchen shelf. I turned up the volume, and Brynne started dancing as she chopped garlic. She seemed to know the words to any song that came on, reminding me again of how unaware I was, how little I paid attention to things.

”Baby, you know you got it going on,” Brynne sang, chopping in rhythm.

I smiled and looked up to see Reyn also smiling. We met eyes and Had a Moment; then I went back to work.

A few minutes later, Amy came in and perched cutely on a stool near where Reyn was cutting sausages to grill. ”Can I help with anything?” she asked.

Reyn shook his head. ”You're a guest.”

I stirred the onions and garlic I was sauteing. I wished that it was just Reyn and me in the kitchen.

”Nastasya?”

It took a second to realize Amy was talking to me. I turned around.

”Is this your first time at River's?” she asked. ”I was here ten years ago, and there was a completely different gang. But most people seem to come and go and then come back.”

”No, it's my first time,” I said. ”Do you visit Anne here often?” Time to brush off the rusty ol' social skills. I had gathered that Amy was actually a nice person. It wasn't her fault that she'd fallen under the spell of the Golden Glory. Probably most women did, I thought wistfully.

Amy smiled. ”I come here every so often, but I last saw Anne three years ago. Every once in a while our whole family gets together somewhere, spends a couple weeks catching up. Last time it was Prince Edward Island. So beautiful there.”

”Your whole family gets together?” I detected amazement in Reyn's face, even though it was subtle.

”Yep.” Amy picked a piece of lettuce from the salad bowl and ate it from her fingers.

”Mine does, too,” said Brynne. ”Every four or five years. My parents, all my siblings.”

”Isn't it great?” Amy asked her. ”I mean, crazy and hectic, but great.”

I glanced at Reyn again and found him looking at me. We understood what the other was thinking: We were both orphans. Our families had wiped one another out. He shook his head, as bemused by that thought as I was.

”What about you, Reyn?” Amy asked. ”Does your family get together?”

”No,” he said. ”It sounds nice.” He put the last sausage on the platter, then went out into the awful weather to use the big grill outside.

”You?” Amy asked.