Part 3 (2/2)

Judging from the understanding smiles and nods he got, he was actually serious. He was trying to achieve enlightenment. I was such a loser.

And so we went around the table. Some resolutions were small or funny, like to eat less sugar or pat the farm cats more, and some were larger, like to be more patient or more kind. River resolved to be more understanding and accepting, which IMHO was like water trying to be more wet. I didn't see how she could possibly be more of those things.

I was racking my brain trying to come up with something that wasn't insulting, like resolving to match my socks more often, but not too ridiculous and ambitious, like to be a genuinely good person someday. My turn got closer and closer, and I started to feel panicky, wondering if I could abstain but knowing that I would be the only one lame enough to need to skip, and here was one more thing that I sucked at, and why was I trying when I barely had any excuse for even living- ”Nastasya?” River's brown eyes were-yes: understanding and accepting.

I gulped down some champagne to buy another few seconds-I was such a waste-and then said the first thing that popped into my mind. ”I resolve to... trust more.” I had no idea where that had come from. Out of thin air.

All eyes were on me, and I was self-conscious. River looked a tiny bit surprised, her head on one side as she gazed at me. Surprised and thoughtful.

”That's an excellent resolution,” Asher said in the silence.

”Yes,” said Anne. ”Lovely. Good for you.”

Now I felt even more self-conscious. That resolution had appeared out of freaking nowhere and yet... I uncomfortably recognized that I meant it. I trusted n.o.body, not even myself. Not my decisions, my emotions, my plans, my work ethic, my sincerity, my looks-nothing. The one thing about me that seemed rock solid, that I could completely and utterly count on no matter what, was my ability to screw things up. That was as inevitable as the proverbial sun coming up tomorrow.

”And now Reyn,” said River.

Come on, someone please refill my champagne gla.s.s, I thought. I could feel Reyn's tension, next to me, the warmth of his leg next to mine.

The whole table waited expectantly. I wondered what Reyn had said last year.

”I resolve... to try to be happy,” he said, sounding awkward.

Silence. Everyone was staring at him, and I knew why: He wasn't exactly the poster boy for mirth and good cheer. Even now a sidelong glance told me he was almost scowling down at the table, his hands curled into fists on either side of his plate.

”Perfect, Reyn,” said River gently. ”Thank you.”

Reyn uncurled one hand and picked up his fork, beginning to work steadily through the food on his plate. I was sure it tasted like sawdust to him.

So I was the most untrusting person in the world, and he was the unhappiest person in the world.

We were quite a pair.

CHAPTER 6.

I was ready to just go to bed by nine thirty and skip the whole New Year's circle thing, but again I knew I would be the only one lame enough to cut out, and my pride wouldn't let me. Finally it was eleven thirty-time to get my circle on.

I met Rachel and Charles going out the back door and joined them, glad I wouldn't have to walk through the woods alone. Another circle. Would I barf, as usual? See horrible visions, as usual? Would I feel that glorious starburst of light and power within me that made magick seem worthwhile and even necessary, at least till I started heaving? The darkness, thick and cold, pressed in all around me. I retucked the scarf around my neck, hoping I wouldn't regret my decision to skip my down coat.

”I wonder if this year's circle will be as good as last year's,” Rachel said. Her voice was calm and even, and it occurred to me that I couldn't remember her raising it or sounding sarcastic or teasing. It was just always calm and even.

”How was last year's good?” I asked.

Rachel looked at me solemnly. ”We made s'mores.”

I grinned, and Charles chuckled. The barest smile crossed Rachel's face, and then we were at the clearing, and Solis had already started a fire.

”Welcome,” River said as we kicked off our shoes. ”Welcome.”

The twelve of us stood around the fire, watching as the mesmerizing flames licked the dried wood, crept softly along its edges like a cat, then suddenly devoured it. It was, as I had predicted, freezing out here. I stretched my hands toward the warmth, but I was almost shaking with cold, as well as forcibly reminded of my horrible Incy vision. Great.

”You won't feel it after a while,” Anne said, repeating what Brynne had promised.

I nodded, thinking that my bare feet were undoubtedly already turning blue. I would probably lose a couple of toes to frostbite. All I needed was for my nose to start running and then this picture would be complete.

”And here we are,” River said, smiling at all of us. ”The end of another year. The birth of the next year of our lives. Tomorrow is a new day, a new chapter, a new start.” I thought she looked at me in particular, but the leaping fire was bending the air all around it, and it was hard to tell.

”This circle will be mostly celebratory,” River went on. ”With each of us meditating on the theme of what a new year means to us personally. Then, at the height of our power, we'll each release something that we no longer have need of. In past years, I've released fear or the need to control things or my intense craving for dark chocolate.”

Smiles.

”But of course each of you has something within you that you no longer need, something that is holding you back. Some of us already know what we plan to release, but don't worry if you don't have something in mind yet. At the right time, it will come to you. Now, are we all ready?”

No. We should disband and go have some hot tea.

I did not get that particular New Year's wish. Instead we held out our hands, thumbs facing left so that they aligned perfectly when we clasped hands with our neighbors. I was between Rachel and Charles. River was across from me, and His Lords.h.i.+p was next to her, looking amazing in the deep amber robe that he was probably wearing nothing underneath.

Rachel glanced at me. ”Did you say something? Or stub your toe?”

”No.” Must suppress stupid whimpers.

River began her song, her personal invitation to magick to come out and play. No, play wasn't the right word-not with the appalling destructive power that I'd seen too many times. An invitation... to a conversation. That was more how it was.

We walked clockwise around the fire, and after the second revolution I realized I could feel my feet again, feel the cold ground and scattered leaves. With another revolution I was no longer cold and was starting to get the weird kindling sensation in my chest that signaled magick building in me, around me. I began to sing my song.

I'd asked Solis if I needed to be taught a more formal or traditional song to call magick to me, and he'd said no, it couldn't be taught. It just came from within you, no matter what culture you were from or what language you used. In the past I'd simply opened my mouth and sounds came out, sounds that were ancient words. I figured I'd heard them when I was small, from my parents. The words far predated them; knowing now what I did about the great houses, I a.s.sumed they went back to the earliest days of magick and immortals, whenever that was.

At any rate, when I opened my mouth, my song appeared and drew magick to me, thrillingly, seductively, frighteningly. Our circle was moving faster now, and mine wasn't the only flushed face. The fire danced in the middle, its flames seeming to become sharper, more jagged as our own dance continued.

Rachel's hand was warm in mine; Charles's felt strong and surprisingly firm. I looked from face to face, seeing the flickering light reflected off of skin and eyes. I saved Reyn for last, drawing out the moment when I would finally let my eyes rest on him. And there he was, between River and Daisuke. He was a good head taller than either of them. The fire cast shadows on his angled cheekbones, those bewitching, almond-shaped golden eyes. He suddenly looked at me before I could glance away, locking his gaze on me in a way that s.n.a.t.c.hed the breath from my throat. His robe, like everyone's, pressed against his skin as we revolved, outlining the hard planes of his chest. His scar was under that robe, as mine was under my scarf. Our matching scars. Not identical but a matched set, the two sides of my mother's amulet.

My song twined in the air, growing stronger and richer. It wove itself into all the others, so that together we created a strong, thick tree trunk of twisted roots that seemed to sink deeply into the ground. It was so... entrancing, so beautiful, this beckoning of magick. I'd forgotten. I guess I'd never really known, not like this. Tiny things, baby spells, yes. But not this full-fledged courts.h.i.+p between me and magick, the promises we were making to each other.... Like a lover, I feared its power and its ability to hurt me. But like a lover, it also promised such incredible joy, such a blossoming of power inside. It was revealing itself to me-and so revealing me to myself.

Whoa, listen to me! Next I'll be writing a self-help book! Joy through Witchcraft!

I forced myself to concentrate again on what was happening around me and not the Wondrous Miracle of Self-Realization within. River was smiling widely as she sang. Her hair, loose around her shoulders, flowed like liquid silver. She looked beautiful and happy and strong. I think I've looked like that at some point in my life, but it hasn't been recent.

But I did feel sort of happy right now. I did feel strong. I was full of magick, bursting at the seams with it, and was probably grinning idiotically. I felt physically perfect, not too hot or too cold, but full of lightness and joy. My feet flew over the ground; my hair whipped around my face. I felt included and like I sort of belonged here, with these people.

”Now!” River said, and we all threw our hands in the air as if we were giving the universe a gift. Maybe we were. Who the h.e.l.l knows?

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